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Five Things Mom Wants on Mothers Day

05/07/2015 04:05 pm ET | Updated May 07, 2016

You forgot again. Admit it.

In spite of all the displays in the grocery stores, the non-stop "Mothers Day" marketing on network television - in spite of the advertising for "Sunday brunch" and cheap roses, you forgot the one day we set aside to remember the woman who brought you into this world.

Twelve hours I pushed. A lesser woman would have given up - but not me! I was near death, but I kept pushing! And then - a miracle! I left my body and floated to the ceiling! I looked down and saw this poor little woman, lying in a hospital bed. All around her, nurses scurried - one of them held a tiny little bundle and said, 'Come back! Come back! You have so much to live for!' So - I went back. And for what? This?

You forgot the one day we remember the woman who gave up everything - a Ph.D in art history - a fabulous career as Supreme Court Justice - so she could be in the kitchen baking cookies when you got home from school.

Is it too much to ask that you wipe your feet? Take off your boots? Look around! You even notice my clean floor? And what's with you and that damn back-pack? For god's sake, move it away from the front door. What? You born in a barn?

You forgot the one day we celebrate the one person who put up with all your adolescence nonsense; who never turned away, no matter how obnoxious you behaved.

You're a smart girl - you got the world by the tail. And you want to throw it all away on a boy like that? Okay, okay, okay. Invite the loser for dinner, why don't you? I'll dazzle him with my pot roast. Maybe if he eats a decent meal he'll be a decent boy.


I know, I know. She's hard to warm to - and you've ignored her on purpose.

Sorry, Bunky. Time to man-up, woman-up, step up. Time to fake your appreciation for the woman who gave you life.

Baffled as to how? Don't worry - the Huffington Post pays me the big bucks to pass on this stellar wisdom.

Here, for your Mothers Day tool-kit;
the top five things your mother wants to receive
on Mothers Day.

  1. A phone call. Put down that electronic whatever-you-call-it, pick up a real, live honest-to-god telephone and call your poor mother. Tell her you love her. Think of something specific and precious about the woman who kept you alive when you were hell-bent on running into traffic and sticking your wet fingers into electric sockets. I used to tell my mom I loved her body odor and the way her gold tooth showed when she smiled. A mom likes to know you're paying attention.

  • A card - Not one of those crappy little email thingies. Your mom deserves a real, made-by-Hallmark twenty dollar Mothers Day card. You're thinking - it's too late for a card. Stop thinking. Your mom can't use your "thinking." She can use a card. She won't care if it arrives a day or too late. Get her a schmaltzy card, for cryin' out loud. And while you're at it, get over yourself.
  • A visit - I know you can't do this between now and Mothers Day. You're too damn self-centered and indifferent to the needs of others. But when you can find it in your heart to think of someone other than yourself - hop in that fancy-schmancy car you can't afford and visit your damn mother. Good god.
  • A baby - If you haven't reproduced lately, get with it. Your mother expects to see grandchildren before she dies. It would be nice if you promised her by this time next year, she'll be a grandmother. Of course, being married would be nice too. One thing at a time.
  • And finally - you might send her some roses. Some real roses; not those scentless god-awful red monstrosities they sell in the grocery store. Go to a good florist. Buy the woman some decent flowers. Send them to her mom with a note that says - "I love you."
  • And remember - one day (sooner than you know) you'll awake on the second Sunday in May - and you won't have a mother. She'll be gone - never to return. Hold that thought. Pick up the phone - call your mom.

    And wipe that smirk off your face.

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