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Larisa Alexandrovna Headshot

Bill O'Reilly is in love with Matt Damon

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No matter how hard Bill O'Reilly tries to be Joe McCarthy, he always ends up being simply the official Fox (minus News) dunce of hate and sexual frustration that has come to symbolize far right extremists. His sexual confusion simply gets the better of his fascist worldview every single time.

Although Billy usually prefers to write soft porn and on
occasion children's books (which is certainly a disturbing combination), he has now taken it upon himself to go after Matt Damon for being un-American. While it is easy to believe that Billy is just displaying his usual fascist propaganda. The reality in this case, however, appears to be much more personal. Simply put, I think Bill O'Reilly has a crush on Matt Damon.

While it is true that Billy spends a great deal of time worried about Lesbian gangs running amok all over America, his real and hidden fear is that Matt Damon will reject his rather smallish loofah.

Let's examine the latest Billy smear and take a closer look between the lines at the love that is causing him such agony:

Anyway, Damon runs around beating up four guys at a time and eluding authorities all over the world. However, he turns on the CIA, so they must kill him. But they can't since Damon is Clint Eastwood and Sean Connery times 10. Plus, he has Julia Stiles helping him. No way the CIA has a chance.

Billy clearly is lusting after the strong, muscular, killing machine that Damon portrays as Jason Bourne. Can you feel the sexual frustration expressed by Billy as he fights back tears of longing for a kilt clad Dirty Harry spanking him all night long? Does it really much matter that the above collection of words make no sense as a paragraph or that the CIA appearing in film as an evil organization has become nothing more than a cliché to everyone but Billy, when the agony of unrequited love is so painfully obvious?

The CIA guys are bad, bad, bad. And just to make sure Indonesian and Pakistani audiences get the picture, the CIA chief issues his evil orders with the American flag clearly seen on his desk. No language barrier here, no sir. The U.S. intelligence agencies are fiendish enterprises that want to hurt Damon and actually force Stiles to cut her own hair. How could they?

It is unfortunate that Billy has to cover his sexual confusion with uber-nationalistic displays such as his near idolatry of the American flag. But even in this attempt, Billy cannot help his longing to redo Julia Stiles' hair into something more becoming to her bone structure. These slip ups are bound to happen as they did when Billy came out to the world as likely the only "straight" man to know what a loofah is.

Actually, neither Damon nor Stiles has to do much acting. Damon does work for the far-left MoveOn organization and is on record as requesting that the Bush daughters serve in Iraq. The actor also told the Idaho Statesman that the CIA's use of water boarding is an erosion of our American values. Guess what? There's a water-boarding scene in the flick. What a coincidence!

And you can clearly see that Billy has to once again turn to the only salvation available to him in order to run from his own sexual desires: blame his homo-erotic fantasies on "the leftists." I might add too that his connecting the dots between fact (the CIA does in fact use water-boarding technique) and fiction (a film with a water torture scene) does little to prop up his already flaccid intellect.

Now, all of this is harmless nonsense to those of us who understand the hero and villain business, and realize the simplistic bias that permeates Hollywood. But to impressionable audiences, the anti-American theme could resonate.

It is a wonder that all of this "harmless nonsense" would require a two page opinion piece by Billy, is it not? But Billy cannot help what has become increasingly obvious - he is publicly playing his own imagined hero in order to cover up his love for Matt Damon. He is likely also hoping that by publicly over-flexing his rather limp intellectual abilities he will be able to confuse the mildly retarded voices in his head.