THE BLOG
10/15/2005 01:47 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

On Liberating Something

It seems that our dear President needs smoke blown up his ass regularly in order to maintain his fine swagger and shit-eating grin. So much so -- and apparently with WHIG being effectively (and thankfully) disbanded -- the ego dousing sessions now fall to our combat weary troops (and one planted PR expert).

As though the horror of war were not enough, soldiers are gathered in little groups and told to turn their frowns upside down in some hallucination of reality and play nice for the cameras. Even dressed, rehearsed, and provided with a hitchhikers guide to staged events, our President could not remember the names of the soldiers tasked with giving him the warm fuzzies, the questions he was to ask or the satellite delay he needed to account for.

Say What?

Bush remembers the name of a gay male prostitute posing as journalist to shill for the White House without a cheat sheet, but cannot even remember the name of the PR plant among the soldiers he was rehearsed to feign concern for? What goes on here anyway?

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy to You

But our foggy-eyed prince seems lacking in his usual excited, nonsensical, stuttering, jerky conversational style, missing that fix-needing twitch of appreciation for bald men and small animals, and no longer flexing his middle-finger in salute to good-old boy retro chic. Perhaps a nice reminder of his recent successes might do the trick in cheering him up - especially that astonishingly shock-and-awe viral form of liberty he launched, which is now marching around the globe like a plague covered in stars and stripes and infecting innocent civilians at gun point or, worse.

Liberating Liberation Damn It

To date, since being un-elected to office, Bush has been very successful in setting free, releasing, emancipating, and unleashing the following, some examples:

-America has been delivered from the cage of global respect and forced adherence to a high standard of decency and can now be internationally lawless, violent, chaotic, and lower than fleas on the backs of gnats in all things respected.

-Money laundering to bribe members of Congress has been lifted from the hate-machine of a “we the people” mentality, which held it captive for far too long, and is now the work of honest, God fearing American men (as the founding fathers had always intended it to be).

-New Orleans has finally been set free from the evil clutches of its neighbor-states to start a fresh, underwater (all Atlantis-after-the- fall like) - citizens and all.

-The national debt has been released to ascend sky-high, infinitely free to rocket above the ether into imaginary numbers.

-Psychotic, inbred, Jesus hating, Christians are no longer discriminated against in their pursuit of their God given right to burn the Constitution while protecting the flag.

-American journalists have been released from their forced labor under the dire conditions of standards and are finally free to create reality out of thin air, made possible largely through the intervention and kindness of the White House and the lovers of a good piece of fiction who inhabit that dwelling.

-Corporations, those victimized, large-bodied legally defined individuals, are now emancipated from the cumbersome and long suffered shackles of law, ethics, decency, respect for human rights, worker rights, and the health of a vibrant and thriving America.

-A once systematically murdered Poppy population, still mere fledglings only hoping for their day to grow up and become Heroin, has been released from the grasp of Afghan talons and is now able to enjoy a non-passport travel policy to any nation and in large groups.

-Terrorists, that once smallish, disjointed, group of wing nuts seen as, well, wing nuts and having little support, because they were seen as wing nuts have now been liberated the world over to join together as a nation (a crazed, ready-to-meet-their-maker, nuclear capable, nation at that) fighting for a cause in large numbers and with martyr-like respect.

-China has been set free from second-class super power status and reunited with its global ideological sister, Russia, and together the two have liberated Iran from ever having to be kept in check by any mean imperialists, no matter how many nukes they have or don’t have.

-Prisoners of war have been emancipated from life, free to join God and the angels.

-Halliburton has taken its rightful seat as the federal bank, no longer having to steal in order to survive; it can now live long and prosper.

This list of achievements in the most hallowed of endeavors - that of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - should give cheer to our dear leader, enough to last some time and free our soldiers from puppet theater rotations. Their boy king need not worry about ego stroking for now, as he should be busy enough with dispatching our soldiers to folly, on whim and through the worst kind of duplicity and bad faith, in the end liberating them only from their God-given right to a decent and honorable life on their own soil with their own families.