Our 24-Based Human Rights Policy

We've moved beyond that musty, picked-over document, the Constitution, and are now basing our human rights policy on a bad TV drama.

This was confirmed by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia in a recent BBC radio interview, in which he explained that it would be OK to torture prisoners (or, more specifically, "stick something under the fingernails") in certain circumstances like if, perhaps, there was a ticking bomb "about to blow up Los Angeles" and we had the terrorist who could tell us where it was ticking, if only properly tortured. (A point of interest is that according to the Wall Street Journal, Justice Scalia is a fan of 24," although he hasn't yet cited the show as a precedent in any legal opinions.)

A typical scene in 24 goes something like this - Jack Bauer has the filthy scumbag up against the wall in his office:

JACK: Tell me where the ticking nuclear bomb is!

TERRORIST: Hah! I spit on you, American dog! I will never tell you the location! You and all your friends in the greater Southern California basin will die in three minutes!

JACK: How about if I stick something under your fingernails, like this?

TERRORIST: Arrrrgh! Stop! The bomb is in a grocery bag at the Farmer's Market on Fairfax!

So, Jack now has three minutes to get there, a trip which takes about two minutes and fifty-nine seconds, during which we get to see what other laws he'll break to save the city (right after five minutes of commercials, which don't count in the whole "three minutes left!" thing).

Of course, we are a nation of laws, not just bad TV, so we should really have a panel like the FISA Court, only even more compliant, any of whose members could be contacted after the fact to grant approval. But the key question is whether we actually have a terrorist who knows the location of the ticking bomb which will blow up Los Angeles, or if it's only the pizza delivery guy.

I propose this panel be made up of writers for 24. They alone have the experience to make this call.

Comments

[desmirl]

Actually, I think we are a nation of bad TV. We elected Bush and Cheney, didn't we? And since that time the writers have produced nothing but gloom, doom, and lost jobs.