Smile When You Say That Mister, a Memorial Day Tribute

Sometimes, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. This is why Americans have always gone off to war, if not enthusiastically at least with grim determination. We recognize the sacrifice of our nation's warriors by flying flags and eating grilled hot dogs.

As American males, me and President Bush know how to deal with trouble. We know because our role models in the movies and TV have shown us how.

Let's start with Gary Cooper and John Wayne, just to show you how old I am and how frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. (Clark Gable) Anyway, John is drinking at a bar, minding his own business (I don't think alcohol ever passed Gary Cooper's lips, but he may have been socializing in the bar) when a bully shows up and says something vile to him, including, but not limited to challenging his manhood.

John turns his head slowly to the stranger (important: he does not turn his shoulders, just his head) and says, "Smile when you say that, mister." What he's doing (for the ladies, who may not appreciate it) is he's giving the bully an opportunity to take it back, and also to save face. Plus, he's giving the guy a chance to LOOK HIM IN THE EYES, and see that he (the stranger) has made a very big mistake.

Normally, what happens next is that the stranger still doesn't get it, and says another, even viler thing, which may involve John Wayne's mother. At this point, John puts his drink down, and turns his shoulders in the direction of the stranger. All us guys are eagerly looking forward to what comes next. BAM! One punch. That's all. No muss, no fuss.

So John looks down at the crumpled heap on the barroom floor, sits back down at the bar, and finishes his drink, a slightly perturbed look on his face. He doesn't like being interrupted when he's drinking. Meanwhile, the bartender, who has seen all this happen many times before, hasn't stopped wiping beer mugs and shot glasses for even a second, and takes scant notice of the event.

This is the way it is with us American guys, and it's what George W. Bush is trying to do, but he can't seem to pull it off. It just isn't credible for him, somehow. As for the rest of us, well, frankly my dear, we actually hit our wives and girlfriends much more often than we ever hit any other guys, known or not known to us. And it's usually not just one, clean punch, either.

But messy details and reality aside, you don't want to mess with us, because if you do, we're going to invade somebody else's country, don't much matter whose, right pardner?