10/31/2008 01:34 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Happy Halloween

Trick or Treat, America!
Your choice, an African American President, or the Great Depression.

Put on your banker suit, get a box of apples, crayon a sign on cardboard, "Brother, can you spare a trillion?"

George Bush has a 25% approval rating.
Who are those people?
Got to be ... zombies.

Media People, attention!
Before you speak, look to the left, look to the right, make sure you don't say anything the rest of your pack of ... zombies? ... are saying.

Media People, step two.
Look in the mirror. Can you see the hollow tube going into the back of your brain? It is becoming visible. Yes, yes it is. Ah, you were a mouthpiece for the White House for eight years. Ah ... that's what happened. ... Now that you've caught a glimpse ... what will you do?

Watch out for the Bogey Man!
If you're scared of the bogey man you're a mental five year old and you'll vote for McCain/Palin.

There's a man in a Karl Marx mask!
Republicans, be very, very careful! You'll think it's really him! Back from the dead! And scare yourself into a heart attack.

Forty-three to forty-seven percent of Americans favor John McCain.
Who are you? Who are you? ... Ohmigod! They're marching down the street, blindly, ready to devour their own country! They've watched everything their party has done fail, they're watching the great American economy tumble down a cliff ... and they want to march off more cliffs ... who are they? Who are they .... This is truly scary stuff.

America! It's been Halloween for seven years!
Boo! Scare you! Tear up your constitution ... OK. Invade random foreign countries! .... OK. Spend money you don't have! .... OK. Watch the president put on a funny suit with a codpiece and honor him as Commander-in-Chief! .... Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full! Commit war crimes! ... OK, Mr. Commander-in-Chief, sir!

Happy Halloween. I mean it. As a one day thing, it's a fun holiday.

Larry Beinhart is the author of Wag the Dog, The Librarian, and Fog Facts: Searching for Truth in the Land of Spin. All available at

His new novel is: Salvation Boulevard. Website:

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