Not This Time, Buster

First of all, isn't five thousand dollars a lot for sex? No, really. That's the first thing I thought.

I may not be a porn star with hour-long stamina and foot-long -- well, stamina, but five grand is, come on, a vacation somewhere, or a good used car, or a new kitchen, or the fanciest bar mitzvah in 1976. But one orgasm? Even two small ones. Are you kidding me? Never mind right or wrong, I just think it's an awful lot of money.

Even for the prettiest girl in the world -- and, frankly, what are the odds his "date" was that -- she's just a woman and you're just a middle-aged man with thin hair, and the whole thing is over and done with, and she's getting dressed while you're standing in a shower pretty much like the one you have at home. I know what I'd be thinking: "Five grand. Whoa. I may be the dumbest guy in history. Lucky for me I'm the governor of a big state."

Second, if there's a cheesier name in the history of hooking than "Emperor's Club VIP," I'd like to know what it is. A team of comedy writers could work for a month and not beat it. Eucchhh. It even smells a little right through the TV, doesn't it? "Emperor's Club VIP" is so low it makes Telly Savalas for "The Player's Club" look like Twelfth Night.

Third -- and this is really the only important thing to me -- I've had it with these guys forcing their wives to stand up there with them.

Seriously. There's no reason for it. It doesn't help the family, it doesn't help the state, it doesn't help the country or the culture, and it surely doesn't help the wife.

Actually, there is one reason for it: The self-absorbed son-of-a-bitch is still in such deep denial of what he's done, he actually thinks showing his shaken wife might salvage his career.

You know what I'd like to see? Just once? I'd like to see the wife interrupt his limp, stupid attempt at grandeur and step forward and say, "Excuse me, folks, but there's something I'd like to say here." Then I'd like her to whip around and punch him right in the nose. Bang. It doesn't have to knock him down, and probably wouldn't, but the look on his face would be worth it. Then she could shout, "You want to lick your wounds? Why don't you get your whore girlfriend to do it? What's she get for that, ten thousand?"

Then she could straighten her pearls, raise her chin and walk off stage.

I don't think there's a man or woman, young or old, left or right, gay or straight who wouldn't want to see that.

Hey, here's a better idea. If Hillary Clinton becomes president, and has an affair while in office -- I'm not saying she should, I'm just saying if -- I think this is the way to guarantee her election.

Think about it: If, in the next big speech or debate she says, "I promise to have an affair in my first hundred days -- or a hundred affairs on my first day -- and then hold a big press conference to apologize, where my husband has to stand a few inches behind me with his hands folded looking hurt but supportive. Further, I promise it won't be a fast statement with no questions where the guy turns tail and darts off stage, but I'll answer every question from every reporter -- print, TV, magazines, foreign press, cable access, stringers, free-lancers, bloggers, C-span, hobbyists, amateurs, escaped mental patients, everybody -- including follow-ups. I'll even throw in a bathroom break. During that, everyone can leave their cameras on Bill's face and show me just staring at him. Then we'll all adjourn to the bar at the Mayflower for drinks. On Bill. One of those road speeches of his could keep the press corps drinking for a year, even if you throw in Congress. If it goes really well we'll do the whole thing again the next day. Maybe once a week. Invite regular people from every state who aren't even writers. And at the end of every one, I'll smile at him sweetly and say, 'What's the matter, honey? Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.' Then I'll stroll offstage whistling."

Forget health care or terrorism or the economy. There isn't one voting American who wouldn't get a kick out of seeing that.

And, by the way, the rest of the world would be terrified.

Now that's what I call unity.

Comments

[Boboday555]

I defer to France when it comes to sex.
They have a healthy, adult take on it.
They know men like to have sex with a lot of women.
Its one of the reasons our species has become so successful.
The women in France know it, the men in France know it, and they've come to grips with it.
It is why having an extra-marital affair in France doesn't preclude you from public office, as it does here.
Here, in the hillbilly haven of America, we've been taught to look at sex as something dirty.
I think it’s high time for this childish nation to grow the heck up.
Men like to have sex with many women...get over it!
Geez!

[sa]

if you want to see a wise
take on a spitzer -
check out ben stein's latest.
the guy is gold.

[larry278]

To repeat: The Spitzer whatever is nothing save a weapon of mass distraction to keep us from seeing the big time failures of W & Co. According to Alan Greenspan the USA is in a recession now. Soon 4000 US troops will have died in Iraq. There are the consequences of the subprime loan bubble breaking such as the Fed gurantee that the House of Morgan won't loose a cent if their purchase of Bear Stearns causes Morgan to loose any money. All of these things are due to W & Co's 7 year pattern of abject failures. Wall St could tank on St Pat's day. That's related to W & Co's mistakes too. Drop the repeating Spitzer's woes & cover W & Co's failures which have brought ruin to many in the USA. Spitzer, the schmarkatz , is old news. Let NY media deal with it. His fall is interesting to those in NY, not the 49 other states.
The whole nation will continue to have to deal with the consequences of our economy going into a recession. There is also an election in Nov '08. How about the so called surge's failure, the USA's hostility to Iran? What does Spitzer have to do with these issues?

[Rule Of Law]

She's an individual. She can make choices. And I'll bet this isn't the first one she's made!

[Guitarsandmore]

Larry,

So, would you be in favor of a cuckold husband turning around and smashing his adulterous wife in the mouth with his fist on national TV?

Shades of Jackie Gleason and Alice. Saturday night at the fights. Someday Alice... to the moon!

[apogee2perogee]

Now I understand fully why I never found your standup funny....

[LeoMarvin]

"Third -- and this is really the only important thing to me -- I've had it with these guys forcing their wives to stand up there with them.

Seriously. There's no reason for it. It doesn't help the family, it doesn't help the state, it doesn't help the country or the culture, and it surely doesn't help the wife.

Actually, there is one reason for it: The self-absorbed son-of-a-bitch is still in such deep denial of what he's done, he actually thinks showing his shaken wife might salvage his career."

Larry,

Your schadenfreude has a particularly Republican aroma to it, but maybe that's just because I know you're a Republican. I wouldn't blame any woman who reacted as you suggested, but I wouldn't wish for it either. With marital infidelity more the rule thant the exception, I'd like to think someone who stands behind a spouse who's let them down does it because there's still something worth saving in the relationship. Because when cheating automatically means the end of marriage, we'll have said goodbye to one of the greatest sources of joy human beings have known, all the ugly and angry attempts of the religious right to expropriate it for their own power-seeking agenda notwithstanding.

Oh, and by the way, now that we've learned that it was she who tried unsuccesfully to persuade cheating hubby to fight for his job, it seems as likely as not that it was also her idea, not his, that she stand with him at the podium.

[RnR]

This was a political hit - don't you guys pay attention to Greg Palast?

Wall Street rallies - 400 points on the day Spitzer resigns and nobody makes the connection?

Fascist Government = melding of Corporatio­ns/Governm­ent to do each others bidding.

[mamacat]

Finally, at long last, the truth comes out about how rich people (at least the men) are investing all that money Bush gave them from the public coffers. They're investing it in small businesses­.........v­ery attractive and sexy small businesses.

[darker]

Mrs. Spitzer is NOT "the little woman" everybody assumes she is.
Silda is A LAWYER, A PROFESSIONAL. She knows how to be TOUGH.
She stood by Eliot as if he were a client. He might as well be.

It's hypocrisy for everybody out there to pretend that we are in
the USA of the 1950's and what happened is any bigger a scandal
than your neighbors next door or, for that matter, YOU.

[LeRoyHolt]

The outrage is in paying that much for sex..... It raises the rate for all the rest of us regular JOHN's

I'm proud of Hugh Grant for not overpaying and adding to the inflationary spiral that people such as the Gov are creating......... ;-) The Gov could gain a lesson from Hugh

[MacDaffy]

Great post, Larry.

Of course, you brought to mind an even better scenario from your "Just Words" special: Reporter sidles up to the wife and says, "we HAVE to be up here..."

Thanks, man.

[KarenZipdrive]

Larry, this was the funniest post I've ever read on this site.
Your phrase, "Excuse me, folks, but there's something I'd like to say here." Then I'd like her to whip around and punch him right in the nose. Bang. It doesn't have to knock him down, and probably wouldn't, but the look on his face would be worth it. Then she could shout, "You want to lick your wounds? Why don't you get your whore girlfriend to do it? What's she get for that, ten thousand?"
was nothing short of comical genius.
I swear, if I was the wife of a politician caught screwing around on me, I'd agree to appear on stage as he made his chickenshit admission, then I'd elbow him away from the mike and announce my intention to divorce him and take him for every penny he's worth.
Then I'd use the money to run for whatever position he was in before he fucked up. I'd announce my candidacy right there during the press conference.
And I'd look over at him and say, "In the words of Dick Cheney to Senator Leahy in the Senate chambers, 'Go fuck yourself.'"

Also, I'd love for Hillary to win the presidency and a few months into her term, have Bill get caught fucking some new bimbo. I'd die a happy woman if Hillary called a press conference and said, "I gave this idiot enough chances and now that I'm the one with the power, I'm divorcing him."

Classic, no?

[LeRoyHolt]

your post just earned Hillary my vote.............

[LadyXoc]

I never saw a face as terrible as Silda Spitzer's, standing by "her" man. She looked shaken to the core. Such a beautiful woman, such a horrible, public humiliation. Such utter cruelty to drag her in front of the cameras before she'd had time to digest this awful thing that had happened to her family.
I only hope that she finds the strength to divorce this ugly, abusive person.

[LaFilleEnRose]

On watching the scene with Spitzer and his poor wife, my husband said, the only way you'd be standing by by side is if you were propping up my dead body.

As for Clinton, sadly, no one would believe that Bill actually gave a crap. Otherwise, funny post there!!