The Anti-Gay Gays: Who Needs Marriage When You Have Anonymous Public Sex?

You have to, er, hand it to Larry Craig. He found a way to milk homosexuality for all it's worth--if you happen to be a deeply closeted, anti-gay public figure: political gain and sexual gratification too. If only out gay Americans enjoyed the same kind of two-for-one deal.

"I am not gay," Craig told a gathering of reporters yesterday, "I have never been gay." Really? Never? Well, whatever the senator did or didn't do in college or one wine-soaked evening with an Idaho National Guardsman with piercing blue eyes is really of little interest to me. If we are to believe the police report leading to his guilty plea, Craig is just another closet case messed up enough [pdf] to combine clandestine queer sex with public and professional homophobia.

It's the circumstances under which Craig and Florida state representative Bob Allen have been busted that pique my curiosity. Ever since the Democratic mayor of Fort Lauderdale, Jim Naugle, announced that a plague of "homosexual sex in bathrooms" warranted a re-design of the city's public restrooms, I've been wondering who in the hell meets strangers for sex in a public bathroom. It's not really the sort of place you go to for the ambiance.

According to the Fort Lauderdale police, the answer to my question is... virtually no one. Counter to the mayor's claim, the local police told the press that sex in public bathrooms was "not much of a problem," and that they had made just two arrests since November 2005. That's only one arrest per spring break. Naugle has refuted that number, of course. And I, for one, have doubts that those incidents involved out gay men. (Just think what the heterosexual taste for public sex has contributed to popular culture: without it there'd be no such thing as the Mile High Club, roll-out bleacher stands at high schools, or--if my parents are to be believed--me.)

After the Fort Lauderdale police debunked their mayor's case of homosexual panic, I went about my life as I had before: happily convinced that gay sex in men's room was a faded relic from the olden times, when homosexuals lurked in the shadows of restroom stalls, patiently waiting for the next poor paperboy to stumble upon their trap. At least, that's what they told us in school. After all, the modern gay man, always at the forefront of fashion trends, knows that marriage is in, while anonymous public sex has gone the way of "the Farrah."

If only Florida State Representative Bob Allen spent as much time talking to gay men as he does (allegedly) chasing queer sex. Allen contended that fear of African American men somehow compelled him to offer one $20 for oral sex in--you guessed it--a public restroom. Well, I can't argue with his flawless reasoning. It's a well-known fact that one is less likely to be assaulted by a stranger if they offer him cash for gay sex. But there was something about the way he lisped while insisting, I'm not gay, I'm just racist that made me doubt his story. It's also worth noting that one would have to really love performing fellatio to think engaging in it with Bob Allen could be anything short of a four-figure gig. Even if they're "bad at it."

And now we have Craig's pitiful attempt to cover up his dual penchant for public homophobia and public sex. The US senator from Idaho, who was arrested for apparently flashing the toilet sex equivalent of the bat signal to an undercover cop, pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct when arrested. Of course, his cover story is that the cop merely misunderstood his "wide stance," and that Craig pleaded guilty just to make the charges go away. Again, I'm just not buying it. And not just because Craig spent two minutes peeking at the undercover officer through a crack in the toilet stall door, settled down next to him to play some very advanced footsie, and er, pleaded guilty.

My hunch is based largely on the fact that Craig clearly knew why he was being arrested. How on earth would he even know to yell, "No," when the cop flashed his badge, if he wasn't up to no good? I, for one, wave my hand under the wall of a bathroom stall when I'm asking for toilet paper, not preparing to plead guilty to disorderly conduct. If I saw a badge, my reaction would be confusion, not denial. (Note: this gesture will be discontinued now that I know what it might signal to the closeted Republican homophobe next to me.)

Through quick math and my own very unscientific methodology, I am forced to conclude that the people having gay sex in public restrooms seem to be anti-gay politicians. And Jim Naugle, I'm keeping an eye on you.

But, public sex isn't the real problem with this picture. To be honest, as a public menace, it ranks fairly low. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to see people use public restrooms for their intended use, either. Basically, anything that happens in there, I don't want to see.

No, it's the fact that Craig and Allen were seeking to legislatively deny LGBT people our rights while trying to get away with having anonymous queer sex that burns me. In reality, Craig has paid a small price thus far for the way chose to, shall we say, express his sexuality. He has been placed on unsupervised probation and must pay a small fine. Compare that with the political rewards he's reaped from promoting anti-gay policy for years, thanks to the good voters of Idaho, and Craig's still coming out well ahead, even if he resigns tomorrow.

Other gay and lesbian Americans, who were home trying to build their families while Craig was learning the secret sign, aren't nearly as lucky. We've never had a real taste of political respectability: our relationships are denigrated by candidates of both parties. Our second-class citizenship status goes beyond lacking basic marriage rights, which affects our ability to make medical decisions for the people we love or even share health insurance without the "gay tax" (it also means that we get clobbered at tax time). Discrimination in education and employment means that we experience higher rates of poverty, while widespread bullying in our schools means that too many LGBT youths do poorly or fail to graduate. And our legislators team their unwillingness to protect us with their unwillingness to pass and enforce hate crime legislation. The list goes on and on.

So long as they're not hurting anyone, I say politicians can live their lives the way they want. But if their idea of a consolation prize in the battle for gay marriage is a blow job from Bob Allen or Larry Craig, I think I speak for the vast majority when I say, we'll pass.

Comments

[Starg8]

Let's quit talking about this sick bastard being a closeted homosexual. He is just a pervert. Gay or straight, who likes sex with strangers in public restrooms? Pervs, that's who!

[Markson]

Correction: Allen was willing to pay to *perform* oral sex on the undercover officer. Even the cop was taken aback by it.

I guess this is the "compassionate conservatism" the GOP talks about.

[pelosiforpresident]

Larry Craig, Bob Allen, Mark Foley, Dennis Hastert, Ted Haggard, Jeff Gannon, Matt Sanchez...are we starting to see a pattern yet?

[divadarya]

Yeah.Not sure that Log Cabin is big enough...Oh, but that's right: they ignore the Gay Republicans and don't take their contributions. I think they're having an identity crisis.

[Bernique]

It occurred to me today that the iron-fist "party discipline" we have seen in the Republican Party since 1996 might have been obtained by recruiting or retaining Republicans with such shady pasts or habits that their loyalty could be coerced BY threat of exposure. Just a thought.

[JLag321]

Bravo for a witty and spot-on analysis. I'm wondering when enough of us will get it, and put these jokers where they can get all the anonymous sex they long for - in JAIL.

[JimR]

Apparently the men's room at the Minnesota airport had a been a problem area for these kinds of trysts, and the police had received many complaints. That's why they ran the sting, and there were other arrests as well.

I don't care what Craig or anybody does, either, but don't do it in a place that is also used by children.

[NCGigi]

The BEST post on this entire debacle. I am weary of hypocritical moralizers intent on removing temptation from their own paths by circumscribing the rest of us. Leading a Godly life means controlling oneself, not imposing upon others.

[SamanthaJaneSalem]

"Thanks for coming out to my press conference today. I am here to say: I am not straight, and I never have been straight. I am not even a bisexual man married to a woman, with a couple of kids, who has done his best to suppress his desires but they will occasionally become too much in airport restrooms. But I am here to say, crossdressed and all: I have never had sex in a public restroom.

"The idea of it is gross. Yet check out Craig's List (no relation) and gays do meet in some pretty bad places-- adult bookstores with glory holes, parks, parking lots. Oh well, a homophobic society has to expect some bad side effects for making gays meet in secret for all these decades.

"Still-- a warm-and-fuzzy side of me would miss the whole 'cruising grounds' thing if do-gooder gay activists ever totally won their battle. If gays end up getting married, and having white picket fences, and two beautiful adopted children-- well, it sounds kind of boring. Honestly, I will miss the 'other-ness' of the so-called gay 'lifestyle' (denounced so superbly by Republicans who suppress their own genetic makeup so poorly). Once we're all the same, in 2015, gays and straights, labels firmly affixed to our uniforms, that's when the fun (the only fun to be had with all that tedious conformity) really begins: the taunting and ridiculing of *single* gays, as well as *single* straights, people who rent and don't buy, people who dislike kids.

"To make this blissful future arrive more quickly, I advocate installing cameras in all public restrooms (and a select number of bathrooms in private citizens' homes). In addition, we should post undercover police officers in all restrooms, since I assume the majority of our police department budgets are currently running a surplus. 'Dateline' producers should also be present.

"Thank you. Now I have a fund-raiser to attend."

[Galvestonians for Dr. Ron Paul]

THAT WAS FUNNY!

[exflatlander]

Okay, I tried to read the official police report sent to me by a link last night - and it didn't work. I just tried to listen to the reading of the police report here on HuffPo - and it didn't work. Nor could i get to comments. Anybody else sniff a conspiracy to prevent people to know that NOT GAY is horny for men?

[MelFamy]

Maybe Senator Craig is falling on his sword (no pun intended[well maybe]) for his party. After all, nobody is talking about Rove or Gonzales anymore.

[divadarya]

Except Fox Cable(dot com): their lead story online is about an African-American kid whose shoplifting momma left him in a Wal-Mart.
Larry Craig is buried in the fine print next to the Katrina "success stories".
I guess it's bad taste to call Fox the Republican "party organ" in this case....?