Well, graduates, I'm a little disturbed. Word on the street is that approximately 42.8 percent of you would go without wiping your asses for five years just to pay off your student loans. I mean seriously, has it gotten that bad?
After coming to terms with that figure, I decided to delve into the numbers to see if I can help you come up with a better way of paying off your loans -- because quite frankly, no one will want to be around you if you decide to stop using toilet paper just so you can pay back Sallie Mae.
Let's talk.
The average amount of student loan debt for the class of 2016 is $37,173. First of all, I clearly don't see the problem with this number and perhaps my perspective is a little jaded considering I'm still sitting on a grand total of $80,000 and I've been out of college ten years.
This amount is not what I'm expecting to hear if you all are considering living without toilet paper. Oh, and if the toilet paper thing isn't bad enough, 26.8 percent of you would rather have Zika and 57.6 percent of you would vote for Donald Trump to get rid of your debt.
Now hold up a damn minute here because these are rather extreme, don't you think?
If it's really that bad, I think folks would rather contribute to your GoFundMe page than put up with you smelling or putting Trump in the office. I'll put five towards the cause and I'm sure others would too, but that's beside the point. I really need you to put things into perspective.
Yes, the average graduate is coming out of college with $37,173 in debt, but for those of you lucky enough to snag a job, the average starting salary is $50,651. Once you give Uncle Sam his cut and account for payroll deductions such as insurance, it doesn't leave you with much. However, are you too good to continue living like a college student until you can get a little bump in salary?
Are you too good to continue living with roommates so you can afford the average $400 and some change student loan payment? I mean seriously, there's no need in making others suffer just because you financed your education. There are worse things, after all.
Don't let those student loans make you resort to all sorts of craziness just because you want to get rid of them. Get a little creative and see if you can come up with other ways to pay off your debt -- ways that don't involve starring in porn videos, voting for assholes, or becoming celibate for ten years.
Try some of these methods instead to help you pay off your student loans faster:
1) Reduce the cost of housing (get a roommate).
2) Get a part-time job and live off those earnings while you put your full-time earnings towards your debt.
3) Set up a side-hustle and put all of your extra income towards your debt, like yours truly.
4) Contact your student loan provider for other repayment options if you can't afford the standard repayment plan.
5) Create a clear plan of attack for your student loan interest to pay your principal down quicker.
Now these suggestions aren't the cure all for your woes, but I had to bring forth some other suggestions before you go and do something utterly ridiculous. Student loan debt is a total pain in the ass and I get it, we all would be a lot better without it. However, under no circumstances am I considering contracting illnesses or giving up sex just so I can pay off my student loans.
I really hope you were joking when those interviewers surveyed you. Please, don't be hasty, friend. There are other options available and it involves a little work, but please don't resort to stupidity because you decided to lay in bed with Sallie to finance your education. Quite a few of us had relations with that regret too and we still have our wits! So again, don't let those student loans make you do something stupid. It's just not that serious.