5 Tips for Thanksgiving When an Eating Disorder Is at the Table

Running an organization called F.E.A.S.T. should make Thanksgiving a pleasant theme, but the third Thursday in November is no holiday for eating disorders, or the families supporting a loved one through treatment.

Imagine you or a loved one has an illness where treatment is more painful and more obvious in the presence of large family gatherings and communal meals? Imagine a fragile family sitting down to an exaggerated expectation of family harmony and pleasure.

There are plenty of tips out there on how to manage Thanksgiving -- the planning, the serving, the leftovers -- but few for families who know that everything about the tradition of Thanksgiving feasting will be tense and difficult for a loved one. Between odd mealtimes, body conscious talk, and alternating binging and guilt -- this is a holiday for which "Black Friday" has a singular meaning.

What did our family learn about holidays and eating disorders? Some tips:

1. It's just a day. A day that only has the power we give it.
2. Holidays are not a performance. No one is being graded.
3. Don't give "ED" a holiday: Stick with the treatment plan. Staying with the structure the patient needs is just as important, perhaps MORE important, when routines change. Any reason to delay or alter necessary measures is comfort to ED.
4. Traditions are there to be pleasant, not to lock the family into routines that cause pain. If your usual routine will strain family members in a difficult time, let them go for a year -- or for good. If a large gathering or particular relatives will cause more stress than they relieve, treat the eating disorder as you would any serious illness and have a normal meal at home.
5. Thanksgiving comes every 365 days, and with good treatment and your family's support this coming year is a unique opportunity to show what family really stands for. Set your sights on celebrating together next Thanksgiving with gratitude for full health and the power of family.

 

 

 

Follow Laura Collins Lyster-Mensh on Twitter: www.twitter.com/feasttweets

Comments

[Thom Rutledge]

09:15 AM on 11/24/2011

Laura, excellent piece. Important. Wishing everyone in early stages of eating disorder recovery a day of the least stress possible. Remember that genuine recovery is unconditional recovery (no day off for Eddie, as you say in your article). And remember something I heard in a 12 step meeting many years ago when I was first sober: this day is just another 24 hours. Thank you again for posting these essential reminders. Thom

[Laura Collins Lyster-Mensh]

05:01 PM on 11/28/2011

Unconditional recovery - I love it, Thom!

[Holly Marciniak]

02:01 AM on 11/24/2011

OR... better yet... offer to eat with them, when they eat! Then the 2 of you can be the 2 who are eating off schedule from the rest... rather than them just being the odd ONE out. And they won't feel so alone. There is nothing like the holidays to make someone with an ed feel so alone and left out, like they are the only one in the world who can't relate to all these happy people around them, who don't seem to even notice all the food they're eating as they talk and laugh together- while the ed person cannot lose sight nor stress over it for even one second.

[Holly Marciniak]

01:58 AM on 11/24/2011

Thanks for this article, Laura. It is a good reminder to base the day around the needs of each person rather than around some superficial societally presumed picture of what the day "should" look like. Another helpful tip might be to let the person with the ed do what they need to do- so you can't change the schedule, and dinner's at 3? So what if they eat at noon and again at 5 to fulfill their meal plan, and don't end up sitting with you. Enjoy their company anyway, and reassure them it's ok.

[Laura Collins Lyster-Mensh]

05:03 PM on 11/28/2011

So right, Holly. We put so much pressure on ourselves and others to have the holiday we "should" be having, whether we are or not! Better to do as you've described: give everyone space to do what is best for them right then.