How to Get the Best Revenge on Your Ex

03/17/2015 12:26 pm ET | Updated May 17, 2015

Before you start dreaming up revenge fantasies like chopping up your ex into little pieces, this article isn't about that kind of revenge. I will leave that to the vindictive people of the world. This article is about how to truly get the absolute best revenge on your ex-husband or wife, without earning bad karma, destroying your children's lives (if you're a divorced parent) or ending up in jail.

Soar in your career.

Now that your time isn't being spent arguing with your spouse or fretting over whether you two are going to make it or not, you can put more of your time into your career. While there are many ex-spouses who do like to see their ex-partners do well in their lives, there are quite a few who enjoy seeing you down and out. Putting extra time and love into your career to help you get ahead or finally securing a position you've been working hard for will really show your ex that you didn't let him or her get you down. In fact, quite the opposite! You're using your new-found happiness as a divorced individual out of a bad marriage to soar in your work life. I myself have taken this time now as a single person who isn't busy fighting through a bad marriage to focus on my career goals and have seen a huge difference in the past year alone. It's amazing how leaving room for good energy and priorities in your life and shutting out the bad can really help you start to reach your potential and get you on the road to happiness again.

Turn, turn, turn the other cheek.

Do you want to make your ex squirm? Always, and I mean always do the right thing by him or her. When I have my daughter on the weekends, without him even asking, I send my ex-husband photos of her knowing how much he misses her. And when he is in a bad mood, I still continue to treat him well and I never say a bad thing about him in front of our kid. In fact, she comments often how much we both love daddy and he is indeed, a fantastic father! Is it fun all the time? No, but for the most part (and you may not believe me), it comes very easy for me. Why? I'm a nice person (sometimes too nice) and besides -- if I want my daughter to love and respect her father (I DO!), I better be good to him. And nothing, and I mean nothing is gained from battling it out with an ex.

Be kind. Don't let him or her see your feathers ruffled. This will really get to your ex and set the tone for a peaceful divorce.

Don't ask.

When we first separated, my ex and I used to ask each other where we were going if perhaps it was the other's weekend off. This usually happened when we would call the other person to say good night to our daughter. Nonchalantly or not so nonchalantly, someone would say, "Oh ... where are you going?" Or something to that effect.

Stop caring about where your ex is or who or what your ex is doing (yeah, I said "who") and that will be the best revenge ever. Moving on and not bothering to worry about whether your ex is out on a date is not just great revenge, but also a solid way to move forward into a happier life. Besides, it's not your business anymore what he or she does. Spend your time thinking about the life you want to have now that your divorce is giving you a second chance at love and life. That's a gift. Take it -- don't throw it away!

Offer to help.

Don't be stubborn or punitive when it comes to your ex. That's just crappy. Offer to help your ex if he or she needs it. This doesn't mean you should be at your ex's beck and call, but if your ex needs help, don't be stubborn. This is especially relevant to those of us divorcing with kids. Showing you are a team player and still regard your ex as family sends a positive message to your child or children and makes for a happy life for everyone involved.

Shed the pounds.

I have seen many a woman or man shed weight after divorce. If you happen to be in poor shape, assess your health habits. Are you exercising? Eating well? Sleeping? Taking care of yourself and stepping out into the world as a healthy individual (note: I don't mean thin or buff -- I mean healthy!) is fantastic revenge. And okay, there's nothing wrong with wanting to make your ex just a wee bit jealous that he or she missed out on all of that fabulousness! Of course don't let jealousy or anger be your guide with your interactions with your ex. Why? Because it's toxic for you, plain and simple.

Drop the power plays.

Enough with the control games. Don't participate or start any power plays with your ex about who can be the best parent or go tit for tat with each other. Approaching your ex with the attitude that we are going to do the best thing for each other and our family (if you co-parent together) sets the expectations that everyone is going to respect each other in this divorce.

After you finally receive those divorce papers, the real goal is to find your happy life and you won't find a happy life if you're stuck on being bitter and angry at your ex forever. Besides, angry and bitter is not sexy one bit. Allow yourself to move on and watch as doors open for you and good people gravitate towards your new upbeat energy!