How to Score Young Guys

04/20/2015 11:56 am ET | Updated Jun 20, 2015

Are you a woman in your thirties or forties looking to snag a young buck? Why, you say. Young guys don't know what they're doing. Young guys don't have stable careers, homes without roommates and healthy food and sexual experience. Egads! What "older" woman wants to fiddle with a young boy and his "diddle" that he still doesn't know how to work yet?

When I was younger, I turned my nose at guys my age. I wanted sophisticated older men who were cultured and mysterious. I didn't want some hacky-sack kicking, Bob Marley quoting, supposed "philosopher" failing to go down on me in my bed. Oh no. Sorry, not sorry. That was me. But now as a woman in her late thirties who is nearing the end of divorce proceedings, I can't go out in public and snag a sophisticated man my age because the young boys are too busy trying to get a milking, I mean, a milkshake from this mommy's yard. I went out to a bar hoping to meet some guy to potentially date as hell, it's been a barren dry year since separating from my ex so I would have settled for even just making out, but instead all I got were budding graduates and R.A's. But perhaps this isn't a bad thing ladies -- snagging a dude who could be your younger brother. In fact, why not try out a collegiate tonight? Here's how to score a young guy:

Have Decent Tits

It's all about the ass these days, but when it comes to grabbing your Freudian mommy-issued fueled college wrestler, (oh yes, those muscles will do) a shirt emphasizing your ta-tas, or even just having decent sized breasts will help you land him. I went out a few months ago with just mild cleavage -- nothing to report home about, but it seemed like every Ivy League hipster wanted to talk to me. And they are all so cute. They don't talk about their ex-wives and how much they hate them. They don't complain that they're being put through the ringer thanks to college tuition, alimony or their recent home tax increase. They talk to you about literature and music and they smile so sweetly. You almost want to grab their little butt cheeks.

Decent boobs. That's all.

Carry Child Paraphernalia or Child

Last time I was at the store carrying pull-ups for my daughter, a nice 20-something told me how cute I was. As I walked back from an event to my car with my 4-year-old, a young hippie said how beautiful we both were, and I'm just an average short chick, nothing special at all. Apparently, if you want to give a sexual education tour with a nice sweet guy under thirty, all you need to do is have child paraphernalia or a child with you. It reminds these bucks of their days in the womb, which wasn't so long ago, and makes them want to carnally connect with you in an attempt to sleep with someone like their mom but who is decidedly not their mom. And why is this good? Teaching a guy can really suck, but it can also be a win-win situation. If you're seriously involved with a man do you want to break the news to him that he gives oral like a dog who's drinking from his water bowl? Not really. But if you land a young guy, he desires your discipline Mommy. Instruct him until he can do the alphabet on your clit in fifty languages. Thank me later.

Offer Advice

These crazy kids today don't know what to do with themselves, so offering trustworthy advice to a nice pizza boy that's just to confused about what to do with his life is sure to have him playing fetch, footsie and fawn all over you, his hot older woman (and you don't have to be a ten, god knows I'm not) in no time. A man your age can be too insecure to reveal his fears and real flaws, but a younger guy has no fear because in his eyes, you're a mom and sister figure. He can't help but reveal his problems in the sweetest of ways and remember: no crazy baggage with hot grad students like there are with real male adults. You may get sick of his life-wandering and "Who am I?" journey, but at least you won't have to meet his parents.

Plus don't forget that great alphabet trick I told you about.

No Commitment

Tell your potential young stud how you don't want commitment -- just fun. They love this answer! A young stud doesn't want commitment from you and this should be joyous news if you're a sexy older-ish/older woman who doesn't want to get married, re-married or pop out any puppies any time soon. A young guy will look cute on your arm, have fun with you, join you on adventures and never make you go to his cousin's bar mitzvah or for a visit with his annoying racist uncle. You will never learn that young stud wears the same underwear from high school, and hey if he does it was only a few years ago!

Damsel In Distress

Play the fool. Act like you need help. Cry those crocodile tears my angels. The young guys are still stuck on being Prince Charming because they're not jaded enough to know that he doesn't really exist. Try to have some sort of flat tire or get locked out of your house... anything to make young guy feel useful.

Now don't forget: don't make it too complicated. Young guys can't handle that kind of stress. That's for the adult boys.

If you're finding no luck snagging a young guy, I recommend hunting down college bars and pretending to be a professor in psychology. All the young dudes love pretty "psych" professors.

Enjoy the hunt!