As seen on THESE HERE HILLS
Sometimes I wonder if the divorce rate would be so high if we could make a questionnaire for our love interests to fill out before we step into the abyss of a serious relationship. I'm not talking about a Match.com sort of questionnaire. I'm talking take-no-prisoners, pedal-to-the-metal, full-frontal, in- your-face, cut-to-the-chase, head-for-the-hills stuff you would only dare to say out loud in the woods, walking alone with your dogs. Of course, I'd never actually have the guts to do it. But making a personal list might serve some purpose. I'd include stuff like (humor me a little here):
1) Do you like to kiss? If so, do you consider it merely foreplay?
2) Precisely how many hours a week would you like to be with me?
Please break that down into the below categories:
Talking/ Doing chores/ Having sex/ Cooking/ Watching TV/ Cultural outings/ Social outings/ Dates/ Family time/ In-law time/ Physical activities (not including sex)
3) Do you call your mother?
4) Do you tell your father you love him?
5) What's the worst thing that happened to you as a child? What's the best thing?
6) Who is your best friend and why?
7) Has anyone close to you ever died and how did you deal with grief?
8) Do you like to sing and/or play an instrument?
9) Do you care if I gain weight? If so, how much is too much?
10) What is your filthiest habit? Do you drink? If so, do you get mean when you drink? How much do you drink? How about smoking? Drugs?
11) Would you say that your family of origin is dysfunctional? If so, rank it on a scale of 1-10, ten being totally cray cray.
12) What books are on your bedside table?
13) What's the kinkiest thing you've done, sexually?
14) What's your deal-breaker as far as breaking up goes?
15) Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend/spouse?
16) In a pinch, do you lie to get yourself out of a sticky situation?
17) If you could describe yourself in three words, what would they be?
18) Have you ever stolen anything? If so, what was it? How did you feel afterward?
19) What kind of body are you planning to have when you're fifty? Seventy? Do you plan on making it to 80? What about 90? If so, what's your strategy?
20) Do you want children? If one had some sort of handicap, how would you handle that?
21) Why do you like me? Give me at least ten reasons but no more than twenty because then I'll know you're bullshitting me. (You're about to run for the hills, aren't you. I can see it in your eyes. Hang on -- I'll change my tone. I'm flexible that way.)
22) On road trips, are you generally a conversationalist? On road trips do you like to play music? Can you take LOUD?
23) Could you love a woman who listens to opera? (not on road trips)
24) Could you love a woman who still listens to the Indigo Girls? (maybe on a road trip)
25) Could you love a woman who still listens to James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell, Carol King and... ummm... in a rare moment... John Denver? Or who would make a mixed CD with the aforementioned... and maybe throw in a little Violent Femmes and Nirvana for flavor? Not that I have ever done that.
26) Could you love a woman who -- hang on I need a glass of wine for this one -- knows every word to "A Chorus Line", "Godspell", "Pippin", "My Fair Lady", "Annie", and... don't worry, not Phantom or Les Miz... but maybe "Cats"?
27) Could you love a woman who would publicly mock you if you wore tightie whities?
28) (but let's get back to you) Do you watch Saturday Night Live?
29) What about Ellen?
30) What about Jimmy Fallon?
31) What about Glee?
32) What about Smash?
33) What about golf on television? On a sunny day. All day. In August.
34) What's your Rorschach for parades?
35) Have you ever or would you ever wear clogs?
36) Have you ever or would you ever live in a foreign country? Like say, Italy? Tuscany, to be specific? In a villa?
37) Would you ride horses with me?
38) Would you ever want me to play golf with you? And if so, would you be kind?
39) Can you shoot a decent game of pool?
40) Do you pray?
41) Do you know what foie gras is? If so, do you like it? Because that might be a deal breaker for me if you don't.
42) Would you ever be angry with me if I left crumbs on the counter?
43) What about dishes in the sink?
44) What about large piles of laundry rivaling Mt. Hood?
45) Do you expect your woman to... you know... wax down there?
46) Do you give foot massages?
47) If your son or daughter was gay, how would you handle it?
48) What are your top three places on earth that you want to visit?
49) What's on your bucket list?
50) I repeat, do you watch golf on television? How much ESPN do you watch in general?
51) Do you eat bacon? (See the foie gras question)
52) What's your favorite swear word and how often do you say it and do you say it a lot when you have sex?
53) Would you ever burp/fart at the dinner table?
54) Do you believe that chivalry is dead?
55) Do you snore? If so, would you be opposed to separate bedrooms?
56) What did you get on the SAT's?
57) Did you think your last partner was better for having spent that part of their life with you?
58) What do you think about marriage vows?
59) What do you think about marriage?
60) What do you think about divorce?
61) When's the last time you got called an asshole and why?
62) What is your relationship like with yourself?
63) Have you ever been arrested?
64) Have you ever hit a person or gotten in a physical fight? Do you have a bad temper? Are you passive aggressive?
65) How emotionally dependent are you in relationships?
66) Do you cry?
67) What is your idea of a perfect Sunday?
68) What is your sense of God?
69) Wanna start this off by going to therapy with me?
Yeah... better off leaving it to the walk with the dogs in the woods. But a fun exercise nonetheless -- you might want to give it a whirl.
(Thank you to my Facebook friends for helping me conjure this list.)
Author of the International and New York Times best-selling book, This Is Not The Story You Think It Is (Amy Einhorn/Putnam)