Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 6, Episode 4 of The CW's "Gossip Girl," titled "Portrait of a Lady Alexander."
Do you remember that Season 1 episode of "Friends" where Monica slept with a guy who was still in high school, but broke things off because the relationship was "icky"? That episode was called "The One with the Ick Factor," which should be the title of every episode of "Gossip Girl's" final season. It's all so icky.
At this point, I think the Upper East Side may have House Targaryen and House Lannister beaten in the battle for most incestuous group of people on one TV show. For those keeping track, it was revealed this week that Steven has slept with both Lily and Serena, while Nate has slept with both Serena and Steven's obnoxious, painfully wooden daughter Sage. Thus, if Nate and Sage hypothetically got married, and Steven and Serena hypothetically got married, Serena would hypothetically be her ex-boyfriend's mother-in-law, and Lily would be her ex-bonkbuddy's mother-in-law. At this point, Lily might just be mother/stepmother/mother-in-law/adopted mother to the whole of Manhattan, but whatever.
This is really no more disturbing than Serena and Dan, who were technically stepbrother and sister, dating, especially given that they also have a mostly-forgotten half-brother who is related to them both by blood, thanks to Lily and Rufus (he got a passing mention tonight, woohoo!). Rufus is currently dating Ivy, who pretended to be Lily's (and thus Rufus') niece while Lily and Rufus were still married. Oh yes, and Ivy has also made out with Dan in the past, so Rufus is kind of dating one of his son's exes. Do you feel like you need a scalding hot shower? I do.
All of these people are making Blair and Chuck look like the only sane and rational couple on the Upper East Side, and how crazy is that? They seemed especially normal this week (comparatively speaking), working together and somehow still managing to keep it in their pants until their scheming is complete. The pair were once again a well-oiled machine, and the writers graciously allowed Blair to do something other than sit and swoon or make a public spectacle out of herself this week, which I guess counts as progress on "Gossip Girl."
Indeed, she was the one who convinced Iman to look into the fate of the beloved horses that her father sold to Bart, which were seemingly sent to the stable in the sky while good ol' Uncle Bart was illegally investing in Sudanese oil and breaking all sorts of trade laws. Long story slightly shorter, Chuck now seems to have found a way to land Bart in prison and out of their lives for good, but the storyline is still super boring and needlessly convoluted, so can they just arrest him already?
We were also reminded that, despite how much Lily sucks as a parent to Serena (whom she only periodically sees) and Eric (whom she seems to have forgotten about entirely), she's obviously really fond of stepson Chuck, because she's liable to send out a search party if he dares to ignore her calls. Because of this, when Bart issued an ultimatum that Lily had to stay away from Chuck or risk losing Bart forever, Lily refused to capitulate. You're well on the way to that Parent of the Year award, Lil. Just don't start sleeping with any of Chuck's exes, m'kay?
Meanwhile, when Nate wasn't inexplicably banging an obnoxious high schooler with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, he was attempting to save his floundering media empire. First, he tried to drum up business by publishing salacious stories about Lily (and as a result, Steven), then by doctoring his earnings report, just like his tax-evading daddy taught him. For shame, Nate! We were counting on you to maintain your ethics this season, if not your taste in women.
Elsewhere, creepy Dan was getting back to his Lonely Boy roots by being lonely and whiny, bed-hopping his way across New York but feeling unsatisfied by all the meaningless sex he's been having because he's alienated all of his true friends. Womp womp. Georgina attempted to find him a fake girlfriend to raise his social status, but he continued to be whiny and ungrateful and slouched off to ask Blair if he could crash at her place, because dealing with other people is super exhausting and he's decided that he misses her, or some junk. Just awful.
But, because we haven't had quite enough character assassination yet, Blair and Dan traded long, lingering, meaningful looks after she agreed to let him stay. Dun-dun-dun! Is the show really trying to go back down the disastrous Dair path even after Dan acted like a douchebag to Blair and everyone else in his life in his quest for literary greatness? And do we care? Not a bit. The lights are on but no one is home at this point.
So Serena got over Steven sleeping with her mom with more sex; Sage and Nate also hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing; Rufus is still doing gross things with Ivy and purging all remnants of Lily from his life; Georgina is now in possession of Serena and Dan's sex tape; Blair is sexually frustrated and has a roommate who is even more annoying than Serena (but is also probably still harboring dirtybad feelings for her); Nate did something illegal that Bart now knows about; and Bart did something illegal that Chuck now knows about. Everyone's either going to end up in jail or in an orgy by the end of the season, but I'm mostly just hoping that rocks fall and kill them all.
"Gossip Girl" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on The CW.
What did you think of "Portrait of a Lady Alexander?" Weigh in below!
Pictured (L-R): Penn Badgley as Dan Humphrey and Michelle Trachtenberg as Georgina Sparks.
Pictured: Penn Badgley as Dan Humphrey.
Pictured (L-R): Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen and Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald.
Pictured: Sofia Black-D’Elia as Sage.
Pictured: Barry Watson as Steven and Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen.
Pictured (L-R): Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald and Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen.
Pictured: Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen
Pictured (L-R): Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald and Sofia Black-D’Elia as Sage.
Pictured (L-R): Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald, Sofia Black-D’Elia as Sage, Barry Watson as Steven and Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen.
Pictured (L-R): Barry Watson as Steven, Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen and Sofia Black-D’Elia as Sage.
Pictured (center): Sofia Black-D’Elia as Sage.
Pictured: Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf.
Follow Laura Prudom on Twitter: www.twitter.com/LauinLA