THE BLOG
10/25/2012 03:22 pm ET Updated Dec 25, 2012

Menopause

A creative, comedic, and cathartic take on life's transitions.

Menopause feels as if your body is possessed by some alien... a nasty, evil, severely-dehydrated alien who deprives you of any moisture to your eyes, cells, skin, vagina... well, you get the point. It feels as if this alien is eating you alive from the inside out, causing your eyes to lose focus and your skin to be overly sensitive and overcome by this intense heat that feels like a volcano waiting to erupt... and this angry alien boils all day and night long.

It feels as if your mind is grieving a loss... like when someone dies and you walk into a room with a purpose, but when you get there, you have no idea why you came in the room. It feels as if you have to make a "to-do" list to do anything and everything lest you forget... like reminding yourself to breathe. Only what's died is your will to live.

It feels as if you are gaining weight because your heart is beating and your lungs are still functioning, and not because you are consuming too many calories or failing to exercise... but because your entire body is breaking down.

It feels as if you are losing your mind because one minute you're feeling all loving and compassionate and the very next minute you want to stab someone blind and smash their eyeballs into the ground.

It feels as if your vagina needs to be ripped out and incinerated, since it is useless for any purpose except to drive you stark raving mad with itching and burning... as if you have athlete's foot inside your uterus that will never subside... and you're pretty sure "tough-actin Tinactin" is not safe for use inside your twat.

It you have sex without a full bottle of KY jelly, you might as well have used a sand paper condom. Never mind about an orgasm... that is for young, healthy women with a purpose to live. And you are only having sex to keep your man happy; you might never feel horny again.

It feels as if you will never get a full, restful night's sleep again because you are sweating all night long while your skin crawls like maggots are fusing in and through your pores.

It makes you feel that death would be preferable to this most painful existence commonly known as menopause.

You feel envious of your dog who could be put down humanely when she was too ill to live... but the universe has more sadistic, torturous plans for you.

And if feels as if every other woman on the planet is better off than you, even if they're older than you, for at least they have passed this torturous existence... and you pray that they indeed have, otherwise you might have to drink the Jim Jones Kool-Aid.

It feels as if your partner is looking at other people younger and more vibrant than you... and you don't blame him/her for wanting something a little more fun from life.

The thing you are most looking forward to is when this horror show is wrapping up and the freak show of being a woman is finally over.

In conclusion, menopause is an alien invasion... an invasion that reminds you every day that you will be dead soon, and fighting the inevitable is futile at best.

The End.

Happy to be of service. Thank you for letting me share.