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Lauren Kirchner
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Entries by Lauren Kirchner

Valentine's Day on a Budget? No Problem!

(2) Comments | Posted February 13, 2009 | 9:00 AM

Hey, lovers! Economic times are tough, but you still want to express your devotion to your sweetie, right? Here are some ideas for a romantically frugal Valentine's Day!

1. Don't buy flowers: instead, make your own out of paper, fabric, or an old shoe you're not using anymore.

2. Don't...

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Pop Quiz: CNN Anchor or Dashiell Hammett Character?

(0) Comments | Posted January 7, 2009 | 8:32 AM

1. Sam Spade
2. Matthew Chance
3. Dana Bash
4. Dinah Brand
5. Reno Starkey
6. Candy Crowley
7. Poppy Harlow
8. Miss Wonderly
9. Nick and Nora Charles
10. John and Jane King

[Answers: 2,3,6,7,10 - CNN. 1,4,5,8,9 - Hammett.]...

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Governor Blagojevich's Price List

(0) Comments | Posted December 9, 2008 | 3:35 PM

Thank you for your interest in the Rod Blagojevich's Bargain Basement Illinois Legislature Blowout Sale! Below is a price list of the items currently available. Fax in your order now and and get a Chipotle burrito with each purchase!

-Illinois U.S. Senate Seat (pre-order now; avail....

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Voting Booth Check List

(0) Comments | Posted November 3, 2008 | 8:56 AM

Hey! Election Day is exciting, and you might forget things! So when you leave the house to go vote, keep this checklist handy! First you have to decide whether you're a Democrat (D) or a Republican (R), so if you don't know yet, you might want to get on that,...

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Things I Heard McCain Compared to in Post-Debate Analysis This Week

(0) Comments | Posted October 17, 2008 | 7:08 PM

1. Garden gnome
2. Dancing lizard
3. Grumpy old man
4. Angry troll
5. Axe murderer
6. Manchurian candidate
7. Vomiting monster-dragon
8. Grimace, the McDonald's character
9. Person in obvious gastrointestinal distress
10. Pile of mashed potatoes with teeth

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Rush Transcript of the Senate Banking Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

(0) Comments | Posted September 24, 2008 | 9:41 AM

SEN. CHRIS DODD (D-CT): "Secretary Paulson, I've looked over your proposal. It is stunning and unprecedented in both its scope and lack of detail."

TREASURY SECRETARY HENRY PAULSON: La la la I can't hear you! Right, guys? Ha.

DODD: "...and it would allow this secretary and his successors to act...

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Lies I've Heard at the Republican Convention (So Far)

(0) Comments | Posted September 2, 2008 | 11:05 PM

1. "After 8 years, I know what it takes to be president"
2. His "beautiful wife" Cindy
3. "Fully qualified"
4. From the "great state" of Alaska
5. "So he called for more troops, and now we're winning"
6. "A man who never quits is...

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How I'm Celebrating Michael Jackson's 50th Birthday

(0) Comments | Posted August 29, 2008 | 11:18 AM

  1. Shopping for tuxedo jackets and pajama pants
  2. Climbing a tree in Central Park; buying it (the park)
  3. Writing a sweet, sad song of betrayal entitled "Martin Bashir"
  4. Giving birth to some kids that are biologically unrelated to me
  5. Dressing up as an Egyptian princess and then dissolving into a pile...
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McCain's Mispronouncers

(0) Comments | Posted August 13, 2008 | 9:19 AM

Senator McCain got a lot of flack Monday for his speech in which he mispronounced the name of the President of Georgia several times, and stumbled over words like "hostility," "sovereignty," and "Asia." It's hard to keep track of all of McCain's mispronunciations, so...

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Obama and McCain: Juxtaposers!

(0) Comments | Posted July 25, 2008 | 10:45 AM

"On Monday, the Illinois senator was photographed in a helicopter touring Baghdad with Army Gen. David H. Petraeus, the U.S. military commander in Iraq...On Monday, the Arizona senator was seen on television riding in a golf cart with former President George H.W. Bush at Bush's oceanfront estate in Maine."


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More Realistic G8 Resolutions

(0) Comments | Posted July 10, 2008 | 8:41 AM

For the first time yesterday, the United States joined the other major industrialized countries involved in the Group of Eight Summit in committing to try to halve greenhouse-gas emissions by 2050. Here are some of the other goals that the G-8 leaders are set to announce this week:

1) Double...

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Alberto Gonzales' Cover Letter

(0) Comments | Posted April 16, 2008 | 9:44 AM

To Whom Sirs (or Madam?) it does Concern:

You might have heard "around the water cooler" or read in the "news" this week that I, the aforementioned Alberto Gonzales, the formerly Attorney General, have been unable to find a position and/or job in a private law firm since...

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Recommended RNC Websites

(0) Comments | Posted March 12, 2008 | 12:14 PM

The New York Times Caucus Blog recently reported that the Republican National Committee has registered a list of at least 45 domain names related to Senators Clinton and Obama in the past year. The list includes the following URLs, and these are true:

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How Huckabee Will Spend His Time Now That He's Dropped Out of the Race

(0) Comments | Posted March 5, 2008 | 12:08 AM

1) Put those dimples to use as a greeter at the local Cracker Barrel.

2) Grow a beard and get really fat again? Because, like, why not? Right, guys?

3) Start out on lecture tour entitled "How to Win 8 Primary States with a Small Staff, No Money, and...

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What You'll Find in Karl Rove's Dressing Room

(0) Comments | Posted February 13, 2008 | 1:40 PM

Subject: Karl Rove Dressing Room Rider
Importance: High

We look forward to a successful visit to Fox News for Tuesday's Potomac Primary coverage. The following instructions will ensure a smooth evening for all at Team Rove!!!

Mr. Rove's dressing room must be soundproofed,...

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Courting Florida's FredHeads

(0) Comments | Posted January 25, 2008 | 10:58 AM

With Fred Thompson out of the race, his supporters are now up for grabs. And in a tight contest, that 7% counts. Here's what the remaining Republican candidates are doing to woo former "FredHeads" in Florida in anticipation of Tuesday's presidential primary:

Mike Huckabee:

-Give stump speeches at the 4:30...

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Cable News Networks Get Desperate

(0) Comments | Posted January 23, 2008 | 11:45 AM

What cable news networks are doing to keep viewers tuned in throughout the 2008 primary season:

1. CNN strikes a strategic partnership with the Food Network to provide picture-within-picture of a slowly-rotating table of delicious cakes.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves off his mustache & beard live on camera.

3. Daily...

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