04/16/2008 09:44 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Alberto Gonzales' Cover Letter

To Whom Sirs (or Madam?) it does Concern:

You might have heard "around the water cooler" or read in the "news" this week that I, the aforementioned Alberto Gonzales, the formerly Attorney General, have been unable to find a position and/or job in a private law firm since my resignation from the "government." I am writing to show my interest in your private law firm, if this is one of those, and I will be willing to take what I can get. My first preference would be to be a lawyer, but also I can answer the telephone in a polite voice-manner, and also I can fax things with surprising accuracy and style? Would you need a guy to water your plants in the evenings.

In looking upon my attached resume you might have noticed a gap in my employment from roughly September 17, 2007 to roughly the present. Well, let me explain!!! I've been keeping myself busy by giving speeches at such esteemed locations as Ohio State University, The University of Florida, and the Men's Wearhouse (that last one not about law; about hemming pants...secret talent!!!). l also taught a defensive driving course at San Antonio Tech for 1 week. Um, what else, I almost got to be on Sesame Street On Ice (was going to play Ernie) but that fell through due to an incident that I Cannot Discuss At This Time but could respond with written testimony at a later date ;) As you can see I bring a lot of skills to the table? If you guys have a stir-fry night at like an office party I can definitely take care of that as well because J-Dog Ashcroft and I go to a LOT of Hibachi restaurants hahaha how hard could it be right!

OK, a little bit about ME. I went to Harvard, ever heard of it? LOL!! In 1996 things started "heating up" for me career-wise when I helped a Governor of Texas and Future President (and no I AM SO NOT going to tell you his name) to get out of a jury duty situation so that his past drunk driving arrest would be Quashed from Public Obtainment on his Own Recognizance (I know a lot of such legal terms). And then in my years as an Attorney-at-Law and then as Attorney-at-General, I had all kinds of opinions that got published, or "Writ," on paper and also online and also I said them out loud in (really boring!) Senate hearings. Some were about how the FBI and/or Prez and/or Vice Prez should be able to like listen to all yourall's phone calls and read yer emails if he feels like it, and how the CIA should be able to hit bad guys in the face every once in a while, and some were about how habeas corpus is like a really old word that people don't really need anymore because like who even knows what that means? So I got rid of it and no one even noticed. Finally, some were about how all of the various U.S> Attorneys should be righteous dudes who you can trust to vote the right way, I mean whats so weird about THAT right? A great man once told me, Loyalty is like Ice Cream, you can't have too much of it. And I really really really agree with that, and so many other things as well.

My greatest strength: agreeability. My greatest weakness: chocolate!! So, in conclusion, please hire me at your law firm and/or mens clothing chain store. I will totally be an asset to your company: I'm really good at keeping secrets and I have a razzle dazzle smile. And if you don't want me to I won't even talk.

Alberto Gonzales
Attorney at Heart
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