Cable News Networks Get Desperate

What cable news networks are doing to keep viewers tuned in throughout the 2008 primary season:

1. CNN strikes a strategic partnership with the Food Network to provide picture-within-picture of a slowly-rotating table of delicious cakes.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves off his mustache & beard live on camera.

3. Daily commentary on the details of the horserace by Miss Teen South Carolina.

4. Daytime anchors report the news while holding adorable newborn babies.

5. Tucker Carlson gets a new co-host: Sen. Mike Gravel.

6. Newly-launched Fox Business Channel sends everyone in America a $20 bill in the mail and politely asks him or her to please watch the channel? Then come the threats.

7. During presidential debates, candidates will answer questions submitted by viewers via Facebook, while playing flip-cup.

8. Live news crawl at the bottom of the screen features a new serialized novel by Dean Koontz.

9. The audience is invited to text in their votes predicting who will drool the most on any given day: Chris Matthews, or...no, nevermind, it's definitely going be Chris Matthews.

10. On caucus nights, four-dimensional pie charts. Think about it.