Rush Transcript of the Senate Banking Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

SEN. CHRIS DODD (D-CT): "Secretary Paulson, I've looked over your proposal. It is stunning and unprecedented in both its scope and lack of detail."

TREASURY SECRETARY HENRY PAULSON: La la la I can't hear you! Right, guys? Ha.

DODD: "...and it would allow this secretary and his successors to act with utter and absolute impunity, without review by any agency or a court of law."

PAULSON: Can we fire Chris Cox? Where is that guy? I wanna donkey-punch him.

SEC CHAIRMAN CHRISTOPHER COX: I'm sitting right next to you.

PAULSON: Burn!

DODD: "...after reading this proposal, I can only conclude that it is not our economy that is at risk, but our Constitution as well."

PAULSON: Hey Ben, turn off your iPod. Are you listening?

FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE: [takes off headphones and puts down huge bowl of ice cream] Wha?

SEN. RICHARD SHELBY (R-AL): "What troubles me most is that we have been given no credible assurances that this plan will work. We could very well spend $700 billion or a trillion and not resolve the crisis!"

PAULSON: You know what? I think it'll be fun either way? And like, we'll all learn something?

SEN. MICHAEL ENZI (R-Wyo.): "This bailout will cost every man, woman and child in America $2,300."

PAULSON: That's how much my new coffeemaker cost!

DODD: "It angers me to think about the authors of this calamity walking away with golden parachutes while taxpayers pick up the bill."

PAULSON: You don't think I'm angry? I'm really angry! When I left Goldman Sachs I had over $600 million in stock options and now they are worthless!

COX: Didn't you have to get rid of those because of the conflict of interest?

PAULSON: The what of who? Uh, unclear.

BERNANKE: How many zeroes is in a million and a billion?

PAULSON: That's the thing...no one really knows!

SHELBY: "Wasn't it Alan Greenspan who said that the rate of borrowing in the American economy and the high percentage of income that Americans were spending on their homes posed a relatively small risk to the mortgage market?"

PAULSON: Greenspan? He's not real. He's been digital since '87.

COX: Can I just say something? If we don't make some progress here, we'll all be paying like $400 for a loaf of bread next week.

SHELBY: We will not be rushed through this process by scare tactics!

COX: OK. But just so you know, if the dollar sinks below $0.50 against the Euro, all the buses in Los Angeles will explode.

[Loud banging on the door]

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Let me in! Let me into Congress! Graaaaarrrr!

SHELBY: Just ignore him, he'll tire himself out and then we'll put him to bed.

PAULSON: That's not what you said last night!

SHELBY: I'm sorry?

PAULSON: I accept your apology.

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER (D-NY): HOW DARE YOU, SIR.

[Meeting ajourns]