02/13/2008 02:40 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

What You'll Find in Karl Rove's Dressing Room

Subject: Karl Rove Dressing Room Rider
Importance: High

We look forward to a successful visit to Fox News for Tuesday's Potomac Primary coverage. The following instructions will ensure a smooth evening for all at Team Rove!!!

Mr. Rove's dressing room must be soundproofed, lit by a single light bulb hung from the ceiling, with the temp set to 45 degrees. The following items are REQUIRED upon his arrival:

Pumpkin pie filling (6 cans)
Bowl of water chestnuts, cooked
Bowl of creamed corn, uncooked
One can Old Bay Seasoning
One salt lick
Extra Blackberry charger
Refill for his sweat meds
Box of various eyeglasses, all with Mr. Rove's correct prescription
A stereo (American-made, please!), turned on and playing Ace of Base Greatest Hits CD as he arrives
Two pairs of brass knuckles
Poster of Shania Twain with Mr. Rove photoshopped into it
Pope hat (just to try on)
Photograph of the president, taped to Mr. Rove's mirror at eye-level
Liberty-Bell or eagle-themed boxers (4 pair)
Brand new 160GB video iPod
A portrait painter, just in case he wants his portrait painted.
A guy who beatboxes
Brooke Shields (has always wanted to meet her)

Special instructions:

Please address Mr. Rove as Your Honor, and tell him frequently that he has strong-looking hands. It should go without saying that eye contact is forbidden?! While Mr. Rove is on air with Mr. Wallace, his coffee mug must be filled with Long Island iced tea (recipe attached), and refilled throughout the evening without his having to ask. In addition to a (red) ballpoint pen & scratch pad (of NON-recycled paper), he will require a can of mace, just to hold onto. Also, please inform the studio engineer that, while Mr. Rove is on camera, the news ticker at the bottom of the screen must not use any words containing the letter "S," as Mr. Rove believes that the letter "S" looks feminine.

Call with questions. Thanks!!!!