The scary issues of raising kids in the digital age are well documented, but I want to red flag the subtle changes in parenting that occur because of the ubiquitous cell phone, without our even noticing. One of those very moments occurred in my house this week.
It's after dinner -- a long, leisurely one -- and still sitting around the table is my ex-husband and another couple we have been friends with for years, along with their three pretty great kids. Suddenly our seventeen year old disappears and then reappears back in the kitchen, coat on, bag packed (ready for the next in a long line of constant sleepovers, but that's a topic for another blog) and cell phone "superglued" to her right hand.
"I'm leaving. Steven's outside. Bye!" Before my mouth closes she's out the door, unaware of the hour-long discussion that's about to ensue. I have been down this road with my daughter before. "It is important to me that your date or whoever is picking you up, come inside the house to say hello." Her response: abject horror, as if this is the single most insane thing I have ever said (until the next time I say something.) How can I be so insensitive, embarrassing...? (You fill in the blanks).
Right under our noses, cell phones are undermining centuries of date etiquette. The result is not pretty. Along with landlines, the doorbell is becoming extinct, and with it, the one opportunity you have to look the kid (friend, date) in the eye, assess his/her demeanor (ie: sobriety) and make sure he knows I'm watching.
Larry jumps in: "What difference does it make? I know the kid. It's fine." I disagree, and here is why: How are teenagers going to learn basic manners if they are never given the opportunity to practice? We're underestimating the power of contact, conversation and accountability. It's that important.
The other couple concurs with me, saying that just last week their daughter was picked up by a suitor who sent her a text when he arrived, prompting her to run out the door. It bothered them at the time, but they hadn't thought much about it. The father said, "Never again!"
It's a subtle thing, but it matters. It is tempting to be the "cool" parent, and to go with the flow of today's way of doing things. But as outdated as some traditional rituals may be, there are others that we should hang on to. Like insisting our daughters' suitors look us in the eye before taking them out, engaging in a little friendly small talk, and making sure they know that this girl has parents who are involved. We may be annoying, but love sometimes is. When our girls become women, hopefully they'll do the same thing for their own daughters -- and thank us for caring enough to show them how it's done.
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But when I came home for the holidays, this guy and my room mate came to our place for lunch. I could see he was quite nervous and did not venture to say much beyond what was asked, except when my mother asked if my room mate and I spent enough time studying, he gave a spontaneous and emphatic, ''Not at all! They waste so much time doing nothing, absolutely nothing!" and my parents roared with laughter!
Later on my mother said that his no-nonsense attitude is what impressed her most.To her it said that his priorities were right and that I will be in good company.
The point is that even if you have a conversation with your kid's date, a lot of guys/gals on meeting their gf/bf's parents mouth platitudes in order to impress the elders and almost as soon as that conversation is over, they are mistreating or misbehaving with each other. Date rape, drugs, questionable company etc are just manifestations of that.
HINT:
Your daughter needs to feel that you trust her, rather than you DEMANDING she bring in every friend for your inspection and lectures.
I ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE that it was your daughter's idea to be picked up outside, thus it has absolutely nothing to do with the manners of this boy. None. It's about you trusting and communicating with your daughter... without being PRECISELY the kind of adult I bet you hated when you were her age.
And, to be blunt, I think your attitude might likely signal a relationship with your daughter where she'll WANT to talk about potential boyfriends, rather than you feeling the need to DEMAND she bring him home for inspection.
I am not arguing against knowing all their friends. I am saying that many times this will backfire if you TRY to micromanage and DEMAND a chance to judge the daughter and every one of her friends. That's really bad parenting.
You're trying to build values and long-term healthy approaches.
Yes, daughters move away in time... and it would be much, much more useful to have a relationship with one's daughter that involves her coming TO YOU rather than you DEMANDING a chance to judge... the new, potential boyfriends.
I have incredible manners and a great moral code. My mother met all of my boyfriends. She did not, however, require them to come into the house every single time I would go out.