In his poignant and moving eulogy for those senselessly murdered in Tucson, Arizona, President Obama asked us to "listen to each other more carefully, to sharpen our instincts for empathy," to show "more civility in our public discourse."
As families, as parents, how do we best answer his challenge? Let's begin where prior generations first learned and practiced the rules of civility on a daily basis - the family dinner table. We need to return to this ritual, where our children can learn patience and the arts of sharing and empathic listening. Family meals are where we regularly show our respect, admiration, support and affection for one another, where a child's self-esteem is nurtured, where manners are modeled and imitated. Vitriol, mean-spirited language and putdowns are never on a healthy family dinner menu. It's Civics 101. Every meal is a chance to laugh, to learn, to love. And especially during these tough times for so many families, the routine of the dinner table provides shelter from the storm.
Carleton Kendrick, who has been advising his clients for over thirty years about the importance of family dinners, recalls how his mother, father and extended family members reinforced their family's values every time they ate together. My parents demonstrated how we could discuss anything, kids included, and even disagree with one another, while always showing an abiding respect and empathy for each others' opinions and feelings. I received a daily dinner helping of who we were and what we stood for as a family - kindness, generosity, integrity and compassion. I got much more than food. I got appreciated, loved and learned how caring women and men spoke with and about one another, without rancor.
Former Speaker of the House Tip O' Neill maintained that "all politics is local." We believe that all civility is local and then extends itself to public discourse and behavior. Civility is first taught and modeled in the loving embrace of the family. How much more "local" can you get than your family's kitchen table?
When doing research for the book, The Family Dinner, Laurie interviewed many prominent members of our society, including religious leaders, doctors and authors. They all recounted one common experience - their social conscience was largely shaped by the daily discussion shared at their dinner table.
Let's load up our children's dinner plates with healthy home-cooked food and generous portions of kindness, respect, empathy and conversation. Let's answer our president's call and feed our children what they need to become our next generation of compassionate, civil citizens. Soul food, family style.
it's 2011 now & normal IS gay,straight, divorced, inter-racial-inter-ethnic/religious people... so, i will digress and say yes, having an ounce of empathy for others at the dinner table with discusions is key. but as with life, you may not like things people discuss but try to find one common denominator to start chatting with, like suggestions in your family dinner book. i like to use that in my dealings with the fat white rich biggoted corporate man... i applied it to my way of life dealings..how can i show more empathy for those(even not at the dinner table with)? by doing just that.finding empathy with who the person is on common ground.
at the dinner table would have been a lovely place to discuss those things so long ago since i am 35 now..past the dinner table stages but...family is what you make it at my age now. holidays aren't spent with family, but a new "family". old traditions are replaced with new ones.
anyhow, open-minded empathy goes along way even to the dinner table..
Indeed, the last thing members of either corporate party want is civility. Bluster and rhetoric are all that distinguishes the two parties. Media propaganda aside, the two major parties agree completely on every substantive issue from war and peace to "free trade" to drug prohibition to the Patriot Act.
Yours sincerely,
Handel Glassberg, President
The Playdo Institute
In 2016 a young Ivy League computer coder will create a website where a user can type in a forum 'user name'. With that user name an algorithm will go to work triangulating it against all public posts, user names, related aliases, passwords, etc - and give clear concise information about the identity of the forum poster.
Your children, grandchildren, ... all posterity will know exactly who you were - what you said - how eloquent and well reasoned you were - and you will be remembered accordingly.
Muhahahahahhahahaaaa ! - Mark my words.
Internet archeology will not be kind to us - perhaps it's time to bring the level of discourse up a bit - to match the expectations of our posterity - at the very least.
When one side has deliberateÂly pursued misinformaÂtion and outright lies,
have boosted ratings and popularity on fears and smears, there is no way that they are going to suddenly grow a conscience and become civil ... most especially when their agenda is working.
It is possible to reach a consensus with a difference of opinion but impossible to have a dialog with a difference in reality.
Needless to say, after an obligatory nod to the President'Âs comments at the memorial in Arizona, Fox and the Right Wing media wasted no time in attacking everything from the seating arrangemenÂts to the "timing" of the speech.
The right has created an agenda BASED on divisive politics, made possible in large part by a media that allows distortionÂs to be called opinions. To expect them to now act differentlÂy is like expecting
a cat to swim ... it is simply not in their nature.
When one side has deliberately pursued misinformation and outright lies,
have boosted ratings and popularity on fears and smears, there is no way that they are going to suddenly going to grow a conscience and become civil ... most especially when their agenda is working.
It is possible to reach a consensus with a difference of opinion but impossible to have a dialog with a difference in reality.
Needless to say, after an obligatory nod to the President's comments at the memorial in Arizona, Fox and the Right Wing media wasted no time in attacking everything from the seating arrangements to the "timing" of Obama's speech.
The right has created an agenda BASED on divisive politics, made possible in large part by a media that allows distortions to be called opinions. To expect them to now act differently is like expecting
a cat to swim ... it is simply not in their nature.
Have they maintained family cohesion because of their success, or have they achieved their success because they've maintained family cohesion?
Our family is a good long step below upper middle class, yet we have dinner together 6 nights a week, with Saturday nights reserved for everyone to go their own way. Yet even on Saturday nights, it's rare for a parent or child to not be at the table. I wouldn't trade a family dinner per week for another $100,000 a year tax free, our family dinners are who we are. Without those dinner, we would be nothing but loose individuals, drifting, the only meaning in our lives to satisfy our own immediate cravings. If money is an object, you can feed a family at home for far less, and better, than fast food.
But yes, any government program that replaces or intercedes in family cohesion creates a loss to the entire nation.
"Civil society refers to the arena of uncoerced collective action around shared interests, purposes and values. In theory, its institutional forms are distinct from those of the state, family and market, though in practice, the boundaries between state, civil society, family and market are often complex, blurred and negotiated."
The problem with the family being the central institution in society is that very often family interests are tribal and narrow, whereas the interests of society are best when very broad and inclusive. Dinner conversations are important, but historically a good society has seen other institutions and rituals as central.
It can be easy to get too carried away.