Recently I had one of the hardest conversations I've ever had with anyone. It was with a valued employee who blindsided me. She sent me an e-mail asking for a promotion -- and then went on to explain everything that wasn't working about me, the company and how she would fix it all in her new job. I got upset, wanted to fire her and moaned to my boss. I didn't want to talk to her about it, but I knew we needed to fix the situation. I asked her to write a list of all the concerns she had about me and the company. We sat down and addressed each one of them. Once the conversation got going, it actually wasn't that hard -- in fact, it was a huge relief to finally deal with everything that had been unsaid between us. I learned a great deal about myself, about my employee and some serious issues that needed to be addressed within the company. Since that conversation we are more in-sync than ever. Now we are talking about her promotion from a place of utter partnership, instead of reaction and emotion. None of that would have happened without that difficult conversation.
Personal growth starts in your real life with the real conversations you are not having.
Having a difficult conversation with another person can be scary. I was extremely nervous before my conversation with my employee -- it's normal! One of the reasons we worry is that we think we know what's going to happen. Let me assure you, you don't! You have no idea. Generally we humans go straight to having a dialogue in our heads about the issue instead of having the actual conversation. In a one-sided imaginary conversation with yourself, absolutely nothing gets resolved, and in fact, it gets much worse!
Quit having the conversation in your head.
Most people convince themselves that it's safer to avoid hard conversations, ignore the issue and try to forget about it. The problem is that we are human, and most of us don't forget. Instead, we harbor bad feelings and then feel the need to validate them. Conflicts and complaints escalate in the silence. By playing both sides of the dialogue in your head, you turn the other person into a pawn. They have no voice, no feelings and no ability to state their opinion. You are only focused on a perceived injustice to you and forget about the importance of the relationship. This scenario does nothing productive, but it gives you all the power -- which is why you do it!
People are afraid of confrontation.
Another reason that people avoid confronting "difficult" conversations is because they are afraid of the other person's reaction. Let's say it's as bad as you think: do you really think you can't handle it? It's just a conversation; of course you can handle it. It's much worse to let it fester and slowly destroy the relationship. Often people break up for good because the unfinished business grows into something so big that both parties believe that they don't know the other anymore and stop caring. In coaching, we save relationships by making the clients sit down and have all the conversations they never had with each other.
How to have the difficult conversation:
When you are ready to have a hard conversation with a person, it's important to ask for his or her permission. The person needs to know that you want to discuss a serious issue or situation with them. It should not be spontaneous -- plan the conversation, and be prepared.
You always want to frame a hard conversation with your overall intention. It's important to let the person know that you are doing this in honor of the relationship. The overall intention has to be positive. If you are still venting, blaming or trying to get away with something, the conversation will not go well. If you speak honestly and respectfully from the heart, they will hear it.
There are two sides to every story! When going into a hard conversation, you must be open to the possibility that you may be wrong. Try to be open minded; it's about fixing the relationship. Also, I tell clients that it's OK to be vulnerable during a conversation. If you're nervous, tell the person you are nervous. Often, being vulnerable can ease the tension during a hard discussion. It's your job to lead and set the tone. You'll be proud you did.
In coaching, we teach that every important communication requires a balance between grace and wisdom. That means that you say what needs to be said gracefully so that it can be heard, but not so gracefully that you don't get your point across. If you come on too strong, the other person will feel attacked and accused. If you are too gentle, they may not hear your issue, and you may walk away feeling that it was unresolved. It's all about balance.
After you have said everything you needed to say, ask for their response. Know that they may have a few difficult things to say as well. Really listen to their thoughts, and make sure you understand them. If a hard conversation is executed well, it can cause a whole new depth of connection and intimacy. Most of my clients walk away from a hard conversation with an entirely new view of the other person, the situation and themselves.
Be a person who has hard conversations.
Most people wait until they're on their deathbed or the night before their wedding to have a difficult conversation with someone. At The Handel Group we teach our clients to have hard conversations every day, whenever they arise. This way, you get good at expressing yourself, and no built-up resentment happens. You will become known as a person who is honest and faces issues and situations. People will admire and emulate this. If you are having a conversation in your head right now about someone or a situation, stop it! Go find the person and have a real conversation with them about it. You will feel so much better!
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It's kind of basic. And really easy, if you commit to speaking the truth always, in all ways.
Another reason that people avoid confronting "difficult" conversations is because they are afraid of the other person's reaction...."
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No. Employees are concerned their critical analysis will get them fired. I don't know where you work but it sounds like planet Utopia. How do I get to planet Utopia ?
If people actually did what your suggesting there would be a massive turnover rate for employees. Managers would be firing, terminating, discontinuing, redesigning, laying off, outsourcing, downsizing, offshoring until they found an employee who is more like a SLAVE. Which is what they want. A slave.
find any WMDs yet?
As a professional actress...I learned to listen and it make it real, that spilled over into my life and translated into empathetic listening. People opened up to me, I learned to put judgments aside.
In my book "Bounce Off The Walls - Land On Your Feet" (enjoy excerpts) http://ning.it/bOWFRa
I share many of the valuable communication skills that bring HArmony into relationships. We can learn to deal with the Voice in our head that recriminates and judges. Communication with ourself is #1...what we say to ourself promotes whether we choose a happy and fulfilled life.
Blessings, Merrie Lynn
Peace be with you and yours,
Cara
People do what they want and there's nothing you can do to change that. You do your part then you say a prayer and accept what God has instore for them. Life is a gift. If we treat the gift like a curse he takes it back. Stop fretting, make peace with your brother's choices, do what you can and make sure he knows you care and will be there if needs you. Then let it go. Live YOUR life.
I look back now and think, I kept her alive for 10 years. And she probably didnt want to be.
You can't live it for them. They have to want to live it. Enjoy what you have now, accept the future and be at peace that you did what you could.
All good your way,
Cara
The unreasonable behavior can often be dealt with, too. I silently bring up my command phrases, and the other guy's. I try to sense out-of-the box ways to bypass the distortions. I look for what messages the reality is presenting through this person's behavior. If one approach doesn't work I try another. I look for the particular piece(s) of reality that need(s) to be stated.
But if the other person makes his or her way through life by shaming and blaming, and toxic avoidance of honest introspection, it's going to be a lot harder than the author makes it out to be.
Psychologists estimate that 4% of the population have personality disorders. That's one out of every 25! If your spouse, boss, or employee are in that group, you're in for a wild ride if you actually try to have that "hard conversation".
I also have had two beserko bosses - with real personality disorders that were palpable and recognized by everybody unfortunate enough to work for them. These ideas were useless in dealing with them.
That's my point. When someone with a real personality disorder is your boss (or your spouse), forget the rules above when it comes to "hard conversations". Those rules just aren't adequate for the situation.
You cannot hope to have a decent conversation with someone who is convinced that you're incompetent and uses any excuse to point it out. They also absolutely cannot hear anything about their own mistakes. There is simply no way to reach common ground because their idea of fair is all for them and none for you; anything else and they will feel cheated.
I've known plenty of people who are "functioning" in society and normal who have shown me they cannot have an honest conversation.
What is needed is sincerity, respect and caring enough to make the effort, personality disorder or not.