When a marriage is in trouble, the people in it are nit-pickers:
"He leaves his dirty laundry on the floor and expects me to pick it up. Not only am I not going to pick it up, I'm not even going to do his laundry! If he wants clean clothes, he can wash them himself."
When a marriage is happy, the people in it are over-lookers:
"She leaves her dirty tissues by the computer when she uses it. I mentioned this to her once or twice and she does it less, but it still happens. I generally just throw them out for her and don't mention it at this point. It's not a big deal."
Research shows that couples start to evaluate the inequalities in their relationship, AFTER they are feeling disconnected and neglected. The inequalities and flaws tend to exist when you're dating and years afterward, but you don't notice them as much. It's just that eventually, when you feel ignored and unappreciated by your mate for a long period of time, you start paying more attention to and becoming more irritated by certain inequalities. You really wouldn't care so much about the laundry on the floor if your mate went out of his way every day to make you feel special and important.
So what does this mean to you?
First, if you and your mate are blissfully engaged or newly married and you would never, ever think of nit-picking your mate, that's wonderful. But you must prevent the scorecard mentality from seeping into your marriage by continuing to have monthly conversations about whether you and your mate feel appreciated by the other. Don't wait for problems to come to you, prevent them now.
Second, if you notice that you and your mate are already in a negative cycle of finding fault with one another, take a step back and realize that the flaws are not really the problem. You and your mate have bad intentions toward each other. You want to prove how lazy, inconsiderate and rude your mate is. But why are you taking aim at your mate? If you're like any of my couples mediation clients, it's because you feel alone in your relationship.
If my last sentence awakened you to an unconscious feeling you've been having for a while, that's a good thing. What you can talk about with your mate and openly share, you can repair.
If nit-picking is the superficial problem you two face, it's time to admit that. Ask your mate to sit down with you. Explain that you love him/her, but feel neglected, and you were wondering if he/she also feels neglected or unappreciated by you. Most likely, lonely feelings go both ways. Talk about specific things you can do to repair the bond, from couple activities to choosing to operate with good intentions by commenting on the positive things each of you do, every day. (See number 10, Give a Daily Dose of Recognition in this post). Pick up a copy of my book, Fight Less, Love More, specifically designed to empower couples with the right words at the right time to reignite appreciation, respect, intimacy and love in just minutes a day.
You can also make simple changes, like giving each other a big hug and kiss when you first see each other at home at the end of the work day. Ask your mate what else you can do to show him/her more appreciation, and then DO IT. It doesn't matter if you think his/her request is silly. You can fight less and love more when you are both willing to go out of your way to make your mate happy.
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Depending on how one defines "works" you end up with a spectrum of "always works" to "never works" which brings us right back to the binary absurdity of this remark.
"I've been married 30 years and I don't need a 'how to' book."
Then it's a good bet your spouse needs one.
"Do ya really think a book on communicatÂion is going to change your spouse or how he/she interacts with you? "
No, but it sure does change how I interact with my spouse. Generally speaking only one spouse is going to "move" to accomodate the other. The one that decides to move will be the beneficiary of instruction.
Unfortunately, usually it isn't. one problem with measuring is that men and women typically measure things *differently* and that can produce the oddity of each thinking he/she is contributing more than half. Men typically measure worth; with one ten dollar gift being a "10" and ten one-dollar gifts also being a "10". Women *count* them; ten gifts is worth 10, one gift is worth 1.
This is where instruction (which the above writer dismissed) becomes useful. Men need to consider women not to be just anatomically challenged men. Ten small gifts *is* better than one bigger gift.
Women, conversely, should realize that a large number of small gifts might not impress a man, but a 1/2 inch drive Makita drill is sure to leave a lasting impression. He might even remember when and how it came into his life every time he uses it.
The story is about what happens when you eventually grow weary of relentless negligence.
If you have two takers the relationship is doomed. If one taker and one giver, it will last for a while but the giver will eventually have nothing left to give. Two givers can sometimes lead to confusion but is WAY better than two takers.
My grandparents put it this way: A new broom sweeps good.
It is said that a woman has to feel like the marriage is all about her, but I do not agree with that. I work full time and I DJ for our mobile DJ service 4 times a week, or more. So I am working at least 16 hours a day. Even when there is no show to do, there is still the office part to maintain.
My husband works one full time job, averaging 48 to 55 hours per week as well.
I feel since we both work about the same number of hours per week that we should share household responsibilities and use common sense rules.
You get it out, you put it away
you spill it, you clean it up
Pick up after yourself
I feel, a good relationship is all sharing and all compromise, and good communication.
We have been married for 15 years now. We make each other feel loved and needed.
It is probably "selection bias" -- you choose who is a man if he writes about sex, and thus, all men are writing about sex. It may be that more men that you suspect are here writing, just not about sex.
You forgive shortcomings when the romance is new but as your spouse is more comfortable with you they are less cautious about hiding their bad haibits.