Host a party (or even better, get invited to one)
Election night, like Oscar night or the Super Bowl, is the kind of communal event that calls for snark, laughs, hoots and hollers to relieve tension. It's also an easy way to pay back invitations without having to cook a sit-down dinner.
Set up your party area around the TV and have TVs in other rooms on different stations. Decorations could include red and blue flags, posters of dogs on top of cars, maps with pushpins, whatever.
Guests can come as their favorite candidate of 2012, but not necessarily the one they voted for. Prepare for a bunch of Herman Cains.
And for the most interesting mix of people, choose at least a few who don't agree with your point of view. Just be sure to put them through a metal detector before arriving. (At least do a pat down.)
Serve buffet style
Disappointments are a real possibility. People will probably argue. Fists may be raised, and food may fly. Use paper and plastic, not china and crystal.
Forget chili and merlot. Offer finger foods that won't stain: ham and cheese sandwiches with mayo, potato chips, and popcorn are safe choices; ginger ale, beer or white wine are drinks of choice. And if your candidate wins, toast with champagne or prosecco. It will be worth it after getting through this campaign season.
But remember: If things don't go your way you may lose your appetite and just cry in the bathroom.
Be prepared for a long night
Election results usually linger into the early morning before they are called. People will undoubtedly fall asleep on the couch, and may snore too loudly to hear the pundits. That's not a bad thing.
Do you have sleeping bags? Blowup beds? Enough towels? A willingness to have your best friend sleeping with your neighbor down the hall, the one you don't really like but felt obligated to invite?
Nowadays we can party virtually by going online. Stick with HuffPost's live blog. Or create a thread on another blog and chat away.
If you're on Facebook, friend Bill Maher immediately and be assured of laughs, insight and outrageous quotes to share throughout the night to make yourself the center of attention without having to come up with the lines yourself.
Play a drinking game
Choose a word that won't get people sloshed before the first returns come in. "Democrat" and "Republican" won't do. On the other hand, to be sure that guests will drive home sober, choose the word "Bush."
Concentrate on Senate races as well as the POTUS
It probably will take a while for the presidential results to come in. Senate races will fill the void. Your own state is a starter. But interesting races include the wrestling lady who spent $100 million and isn't winning in Connecticut, and a whole bunch of idiotic white men who seem fixated on vaginas.
Watch Fox if you're for Obama
Liberals, you've put up with it in doctor's offices. You've heard acquaintances quote Steve Doocy. You deserve payback.
In 2008, when it became clear that Barack Obama was winning, I left MSNBC and turned to Fox. Dick Morris sputtered out of the side of his mouth, and turned red. Hannity the Manatee, in disbelief, searched for solace and could not seem to find it. Britt Hume fumed.
It was wonderful. For the first time I enjoyed every single minute of that alternate universe. I hope to be doing it again on Tuesday night.
Be Prepared if the results do not go your way.
1) Finish the last opened bottle of booze, put on a sleep mask and call in sick.
2) Make an appointment with a bereavement therapist.
3) Get out that Canadian guidebook and Google "Housing in Vancouver."
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