I Resolve NOT to Make These 25 Resolutions

12/30/2009 03:02 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

In 2010 I do NOT resolve to:

1...Stop reading the tabloids at the checkout counter. Forget it. I need to read something besides Huffpost. I've already stopped reading newspapers, magazines, books and grocery lists.

2...Drink less. I don't drink that much. Only about a glass. An hour. OK, a big glass.

3...Tell the truth about my age. I will just pretend I have swallowed a bone and endure the Heimlich maneuver to distract the questioner.

4...Stop pinching my granddaughters' cheeks. I like to and will in fact probably pinch all four cheeks, top and bottom, as long as I can.

5...Exercise more. This country already has too many hard-asses.

6...Learn to play bridge. I don't play games named after infrastructures.

7...Become more independent. Been there, done that. Make that overdone that. I met a nice guy. Gimme a break.

8...Go to my high school reunion. I didn't like most of my classmates back then and I doubt I will like them any better bald, with beer bellies (and those are the women).

9...Clean out my closet. No, I will not. Poodle skirts may still come back into style.

10..Cook more. I'm using my kitchen sink as a planter. Why spoil the arrangement?

11..Lose 15 pounds. When I do resolve to lose weight I don't. So if I don't resolve to, maybe I will. (OK, this is just an excuse to eat key lime pie.)

12..Quit smoking. Why should I? I don't smoke.

13..Learn Spanish. It's too damn late. I can't even remember English.

14..Stop watching The Housewives of Orange County. I hate them too much to ever leave them.

15..Become a vegetarian. I resolve this almost every January 1. And then I crave a lamb chop January 2 and I'm chomping on the bone by January 3.

16..Drink soy milk. I dislike any food that means "I am" in Spanish. (Maybe I will change my mind on #13.)

17..Stop wearing my old sweater with a hole in it. Who cares? We're supposed to be cutting back.

18..Eat lite cheese. I love heavy cheese. I'd rather gain weight (see # 11).

19..Stop traveling so much. I will never do that. Nada. Nope. Off the table. Beats other addictions, I think.

20..Clean the cat's litter box every day. Do I clean my toilet every day?

21..Floss more. I always resolve this. It's trite. Maybe I'll floss my cat's teeth more. Then she won't mind the dirty litter box.

22..Sleep eight hours. Six and a half will do. So much to do, so little time.

23..Drink eight glasses of water. What's so special about the number eight anyway?

24..Stay friends with people who think Sarah Palin would make a great president. Come to think about it, I don't have any of these friends. Even on Facebook.

25..Stop going to Huffpost 10 times a day. I'd rather drink eight glasses of water and drink soy milk.