Why I'm Alone

"It takes a hell of a good man
To be my Mr. Right.
It takes a hell of a sweet man
To see me every night.
It takes a hell of a good man
To be better than no man at all." -Hell of a Good Man, blues song

People ask me why I'm still alone, and why I don't seek to date much, eight years after my husband died. I thought about it the other day, and came up with a few of the reasons.

I'm alone because:

... unlike men, when a woman reaches a certain age, no matter the packaging, she seems to pass her shelf date.

... I find myself sitting in front of the computer, and three hours later I look up and the sun is down and it's too late to ask someone to go out to dinner, so I spread some cream cheese and mild salsa on wheat crackers and watch Olbermann. And I'm fine with it.

... I married a special man twelve years older than I and he died and I'm told it's off-putting to be a widow who loved a special man.

... I sometimes like it, so I won't go out and beat the bushes for some nice-enough fellow who belches so loud I jump and doesn't listen and who doesn't make me smile enough to put up with strange noises and indifference.

... I 'm now used to getting up when I want and drinking from the juice bottles and not shaving my legs and leaving dishes from the night before on my bed and getting up at 3am and seeing a movie and going back to bed at 5am and not hearing a word of scorn, and not that many people can deal with that kind of thing.

... I appreciate solitude.

... my Aunt Hilda drove a pink Caddy with fins and carried a pistol and had blonde hair. She lived alone after my Uncle Arty died. She ate out at the Jaeger House in Yorkville and the waiter knew she liked Pinch neat and a veal chop, and she traveled by herself to Bermuda and it all seemed so glamorous.

... I can scratch my own itches.

... who wants to hang out with somebody who might take off at any minute for Zanzibar and leave them to take care of the cat?

...that big cat rubs against me and sits next to me and follows me around all day and sleeps with me all night, and feels like a small furry man when she spoons my legs. So I don't feel alone.

... it's peaceful.

... I have friends who laugh and go out to concerts and play Scrabble and keep me occupied when I want to go out and we seem to laugh more than our married friends and we even look happier, even if we aren't, but I suspect we might be, at least more so than many.

... I can watch movies at home and don't have to drive to the Multiplex anymore, which I hated to do alone.

... I'm independent and outspoken and most men don't much care for women who debate them and who don't hope to get married and cook for them.

... I have an iPhone that I can play with anywhere I go to keep me company and I can always share experiences with someone.

... my adorable granddaughters provide the passion, and I long for them like I used to long for a lover.

... Huffpost gives me a place to vent and open up anytime, day or night, and the virtual company is better than I've found most anywhere.

... I'm satisfied that I've sowed enough oats to make oatmeal for the New York Yankees and still have some left over to feed the waitstaff at Tavern on the Green, with a few spoonfuls to spare.

... I don't want to be a nurse for the men who still run after me, who can't even run.

... I don't want my heart broken again. Ever.

... I don't find it easy to trust.

... I choose not to get on the Internet because it's humiliating to be turned down by someone I have no interest in when ten years ago I wouldn't have been turned down by that person, or even one I did have interest in.

...my memories and dreams are often X-rated and I can return to them when I want a thrill.

... I'm comfortable in my skin.

... I have a website called sololady and if I wasn't solo I'd have to get another domain name.

... you're more alone in an unhappy relationship than you really ever are without a relationship at all.

... my friends don't introduce me to anyone anymore because they know that unlike some women my age who settle, I want a bit more than "mammal" on my wish list.

... life doesn't always wind up the way you expect it to, and you roll with it.

... I choose to be.

... I'm able to be.

I'm alone but not lonely, but I'm still open to options, and do understand the beauty and wonder -- and blessing --of a good relationship.

Comments

[further]

I am pleased to hear that you are enjoying living alone, but "shelf life"? Don't buy into that kind of talk, ok?

[IshtarCT]

I loved this blog post! I'm 37, single and I LOVE being on my own. As I read your post I nodded in agreement at so many of the points you made.

I'm a solitary person by nature. Even as a child I was content to play on my own. Solitude is a necessity for me, not a luxury. I have good friends (men and women) I can contact when I need company. My best friend is my (platonic) soul mate. I have lovers (who are also friends) who I can call on when I need some intimacy. I know this setup doesn't work for most people but it works for me. Some of my happiest moments occur when I'm alone at home, at peace with myself and the world.

Why should I change this? To satisfy society's belief that a woman is defined by her relationship status? I don't think so!

I don't hate men. I don't envy married women. I don't feel a burning need to embark on a relationship. Maybe one day I'll want to be in a relationship and if that happens I'll deal with it then. Right now, life on my own is good, very good.

Thank you for writing this blog post Lea. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

[TXJewelie]

To candlegravity: in a word, yes: men really are that much trouble.

A man is the center of his own little universe. I've known, been married to, and lived with men who--even though I am cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, managing the money, and working full time--feel free to criticize the things I like and the things I think about and the things I do.

I've now been happily single for 10 years. I date, but I don't put up with much.

I recently dated a man who is a "morning person," which I am not. I'm a night owl. I also can sleep anywhere--on airplanes, etc. So for about 3 days running, this man criticized me for being a night owl, and credited my ability to sleep anywhere to the fact that I'm "just like his ex-wife--there's nothing in my head" to worry about. The speed and finality with which I dumped him left him whimpering over the phone like a little baby.

Sorry baby, I've been there, done that. I love myself and if you don't love who I am, take a hike.

To the woman in the wheelchair: build you're own happy life, because chances that you will be alone are high. Most men expect physical perfection--even those of us walking around are criticized for a little pooch here, a tiny wrinkle there. The type of relationship you have in your mind is the ideal, and doesn't really exist anyway.

[probo]

I could not agree more, just last evening , a young ,handsome "boy" was practically stalking me, and I was really annoyed, I was kind but his advances were so trite, I have been there way too many times, I so enjoy my single life, with no one to answer to, I love my animals, my politics , my grandchildren, and my freedom ,I just find this time in my life to be the most self reflecting, and strength building. Your feeling are right on, I LOVE being alone, I finally accept myself.

[gymbunnybee]

Good for you Lea! This is a wonderful post!

[JulieMBaker]

I loved this post. And, unlike some of your male readers, I did not see this as a sad or bitter tirade. Instead, I read it as an authentic, honest, and hysterically real answer to the question of Why are you alone? I think it makes people uncomfortable BECAUSE it's so honest. People just feel better when you lie or put a happy face on a pile of crap. And it is all about them, right? It sounds like you were married to an amazing man and he took a piece of your heart when he died. To me, that means you are fortunate because you loved and were loved deeply. And, your life isn't over. You have friends, you have family, you obviously have your wits about you, and don't appear to be depressed or sedated. You have a good gig at Huffington Post and, as a published author, you get to see your name, titles, and ISBN numbers when you do an Amazon search (every writer's dream).

[Stevenbarker]

Here's a random guy's perspective:
My first reaction was: "I'm offended! How can this woman (and so many others) feel that men are so undesireable?" In the author's world, men's most notable characteristics are their "strange sounds and smells." The article felt like the final blow in the long history of misandry. I thought: "This is just thinly-veiled male bashing."
Then I calmed down, and tried to see her point of view. I saw the article as an expression of pain. I heard her grief over the loss of her husband (read: anger over abandonment). And I heard her pain over the loss of her former status as a guy magnet, who had all the power and called all the shots. You have to feel compassion for someone who finds men less desireable than salsa and a box of crackers. Like a previous poster said, it really is sad when a woman allows such natural events to deprive her of the benefits of romantic relationships. No more waking up next to a beloved partner, no more sexual expression in a secure, warm, mutually loving relationship. No more getting to express her powerful feminine sexuality in the arms of a man who really loves her. It feels like a stunted life, a capitulation to ego.

[Lea Lane - Huffpost Blogger]

I would LOVE all those things at the end of your comment. I just am waiting for Mr. Right Enough, not Mr. Wrong. And so far, since I haven't found him, I'm making the most of my solitude. I'm not bashing males. I just wish more quality males were interested. I have tried dating. Many, alas, stereotype "older women" as not even worth considering. And so, I react. The fact is, I love good men and appreciate, and am quite good at, a good relationship. But my life is not "stunted." That's the stereotype from people who believe living alone can't be pleasant. Yes, I think a great relationship may be best of all. And I'm holding out for at least a very good one.

Btw, this is just a post about why I'm alone. I'm not writing about my travels, my family, my friends, my work. Or my past, great relationship. I'm in the now, and dealing with it quite well.

[Stevenbarker]

Sure, it makes good sense to hold out for a guy you're genuinely attracted to. But your article reads a little like a manifesto for singlehood ("we seem to laugh more than our married friends and we even look happier"). I applaud you for finding the positive in your situation, but do you really want to celebrate the alienation of the genders?
No reflection on your personal circumstances (I truly wish you all the best), but consider this for a moment: if a man wrote an article about his inability to find a suitable mate, and gave a sizeable list of rather barbed reasons why all of the women he knows are somehow "not good women", I think you might suspect that he is more than a little misogynistic. You might also think he had revealed far more about himself than he had about the women he knows.

[Bluelynx]

Oh, the pain! How sad. And yet, how sadder that there are many crackers and cans of salsa that make me happier than any of the men in my life ever did.
I'm over 60, I've worked hard for what I've got and I want to enjoy it. I don't need someone in my life telling me that I need to "express sexuality" as well as cook and clean for him, pick up after him, follow his orders and take care of him financially. Buster, if you need a domestic servant, look in the want ads. You won't find me. And besides, I know that my cat really loves me.

[intelliwoman]

Actually the unfortunate thing here is that she is right - women seem to have a shelf life as far as men are concerned. My very large church started a group for singles over 40, and when very few of the men signed up our pastor asked around and discovered that the men wanted nothing to do with any women over 40 - and the men ranged in age from 40 to 67.

It mattered not if they were financially independent, working, married before, widowed, never married. They just didn't want to be bothered.

[leaseaguest]

The blog is a blessing and then there are 90 comments I'm sure are from other smart capable deep delicious women that have had full and wonderful lives. There are so many of us out there that feel so much of what you wrote about here. To have had the best with a man, and then think about signing on for less than that just not to be alone seems like such a consolation. Not a prize. I love that there is this depth of honesty coming out here on HP and so many wise people catching onto it. Can't wait to read all the comments and go to your website. Thanks again!

[OkieIntellectual]

I must the the statistical outlier here, as a female who is unhappily single at 38. Its not for lack of trying either, as I've been engaged twice now. The first one ended on a sour note, but the second time we parted as friends, aware that we both wanted very different things. I am reasonably attractive, in good shape, intelligent, educated, and can either carry on a conversation or just sit quietly ( I know guys get annoyed with overly-chatty women).

Though people who are trying to be nice will say otherwise, I'm pretty sure the big stumbling block is the fact that I use a wheelchair due to an incomplete spinal cord injury. I still ski, play basketball, maintain my own house, etc, so its not like I'm some invalid... far from it actually. I have yet to find anything that I could do before my injury that I can't do now. My theory is that men see the chair and automatically assume that I would be more trouble than I'm worth.

Anyway, I do not like being single. I don't knock those who like it, but as I grow older I find that I really want to share my life with someone that goes beyond friends and casual acquaintances and my two dogs.

I am not alone by choice. I guess that makes me the weird one here.

[Lea Lane - Huffpost Blogger]

I can certainly understand your feelings, and of course many (most?) women feel that way. I suggest you do what an acquaintance did who was also in a chair. Get on a dating site with a big pool of people, keep your age range broad, and explain right in the headline or up front in the profile about your challenges. There are men who can accept this and who will then be looking to see your other qualities. Lead with it and see what happens. Good luck!! And please message me at my website if something interesting occurs.

[OkieIntellectual]

Believe it or not, there are actually men who are attracted to disabilities. In my experience, most of them are kinda creepy though.

[ohmercy]

Part 3:

The good thing is I think he gets it and has some of these same feelings- 25 years later there is more of an ability to let things be- getting older and knowing yourself more gives you the perspective to let the other person in your life just be- and do what they want to do not what you want them to do to please you- sure, there are a few parameters that are deal breakers but the idea that people have to do the same thing the other wants over and over and spend all time together trying to be the couple they are "supposed" to be is just misery making.

will I revert occasionally? probably- we learn the lessons but we don't always apply them, but that is something else you begin to understand about yourself too- don't demand perfection in yourself and since you can't be perfect yourself, you can't demand the other person be your version of perfect either.

the good thing is that I know that if something happens to him (God forbid) I can still be alone and not feel desperate- in fact maybe I will feel even more content because I am given the opportunity to more completely be "real" and to "finish" with grace... if a relationship finishes at all upon death- I'm not sure about that.

Well, who knew I'd wind up saying all this.
Again, great article and I totally relate.

[ohmercy]

part 2-
see below-
but no.
one more time I took a lover-

this last lover I had shook me up and sent me into a tailspin of depression due to duplicity- I have come out of it and for the last couple of years was once again enjoying my alone-ness. Yes, staying up till 4 or 5 am sometimes and finally realizing Oh, I do it because I can- there is no one demanding I come to bed.I can listen to the same Bob Dylan song 20 or 30 times in a row because it moves me- I don't have to cook and I don't make the bed- I can sleep in my living room and use the bedroom as my art studio.

BUT- after all that, lo and behold I have recently re-connected with my ex-husband- we had both been looking for each other for years- as friends because we really did like as well as love each other and share certain sensibilities, humor. sexuality, spirituality. He lives in Australia (and I couldn't get him to go to Santa Fe!)

NOW we are getting married- and I am moving to Australia next year.
I think I'll be sending him this column along with my response so he understands- that I like this kind of living.

(oh for crying out loud, my hypergraphia is bringing me to a part 3!

[ohmercy]

Love this column. Thanks so much for it.
I have enjoyed being alone with short intervals of "boyfriend hell" for the last 25 years- since my divorce at the age of 35. Before my marriage at age 30 all I wanted was "someone to love me."
Now my marriage wasn't a bad one, in fact there was no real reason we got divorced- I still love him- I just didn't want to be married then. I wanted to go to New Mexico and spend time with the native American teacher I had met- he didn't want to go. for awhile after that I really wanted a man in my life but eventually I realized how much better my life felt. I had a good friend who was so afraid of being alone that her co-dependence allowed her to enable her husbands alcoholism (not to blame her for that) and suffer some humiliations I would never put up with. I would often tell her there are worse things than being alone and you are living it.
I had a five year relationship that ended about 11 years ago- I used to think of him as the next best thing to being alone! now that says something! I thought I was"done" at that point.

[sophieozz]

Every one of your strong points resonates with me. Thank you for your honesty. This is the one that really stood out: "I'm alone because I don't want my heart broken again. Ever." Yes, the last relationship did me in. Having regained my mojo, I'd rather put it into other things. A female acquaintance also echoed this sentiment the other day. She now prefers dogs.

[Trilby]

You said it! Many of the reasons you list are why I am looking forward to my widowhood.

[nypoet22]

careful - when you're perfectly comfortable being alone is usually the time when love strikes.