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Why I'm Alone
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Being Alone, Living Alone, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Single Life, Solitude, Solo,
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"It takes a hell of a good man
To be my Mr. Right.
It takes a hell of a sweet man
To see me every night.
It takes a hell of a good man
To be better than no man at all." -Hell of a Good Man, blues song
People ask me why I'm still alone, and why I don't seek to date much, eight years after my husband died. I thought about it the other day, and came up with a few of the reasons.
I'm alone because:
... unlike men, when a woman reaches a certain age, no matter the packaging, she seems to pass her shelf date.
... I find myself sitting in front of the computer, and three hours later I look up and the sun is down and it's too late to ask someone to go out to dinner, so I spread some cream cheese and mild salsa on wheat crackers and watch Olbermann. And I'm fine with it.
... I married a special man twelve years older than I and he died and I'm told it's off-putting to be a widow who loved a special man.
... I sometimes like it, so I won't go out and beat the bushes for some nice-enough fellow who belches so loud I jump and doesn't listen and who doesn't make me smile enough to put up with strange noises and indifference.
... I 'm now used to getting up when I want and drinking from the juice bottles and not shaving my legs and leaving dishes from the night before on my bed and getting up at 3am and seeing a movie and going back to bed at 5am and not hearing a word of scorn, and not that many people can deal with that kind of thing.
... I appreciate solitude.
... my Aunt Hilda drove a pink Caddy with fins and carried a pistol and had blonde hair. She lived alone after my Uncle Arty died. She ate out at the Jaeger House in Yorkville and the waiter knew she liked Pinch neat and a veal chop, and she traveled by herself to Bermuda and it all seemed so glamorous.
... I can scratch my own itches.
... who wants to hang out with somebody who might take off at any minute for Zanzibar and leave them to take care of the cat?
...that big cat rubs against me and sits next to me and follows me around all day and sleeps with me all night, and feels like a small furry man when she spoons my legs. So I don't feel alone.
... it's peaceful.
... I have friends who laugh and go out to concerts and play Scrabble and keep me occupied when I want to go out and we seem to laugh more than our married friends and we even look happier, even if we aren't, but I suspect we might be, at least more so than many.
... I can watch movies at home and don't have to drive to the Multiplex anymore, which I hated to do alone.
... I'm independent and outspoken and most men don't much care for women who debate them and who don't hope to get married and cook for them.
... I have an iPhone that I can play with anywhere I go to keep me company and I can always share experiences with someone.
... my adorable granddaughters provide the passion, and I long for them like I used to long for a lover.
... Huffpost gives me a place to vent and open up anytime, day or night, and the virtual company is better than I've found most anywhere.
... I'm satisfied that I've sowed enough oats to make oatmeal for the New York Yankees and still have some left over to feed the waitstaff at Tavern on the Green, with a few spoonfuls to spare.
... I don't want to be a nurse for the men who still run after me, who can't even run.
... I don't want my heart broken again. Ever.
... I don't find it easy to trust.
... I choose not to get on the Internet because it's humiliating to be turned down by someone I have no interest in when ten years ago I wouldn't have been turned down by that person, or even one I did have interest in.
...my memories and dreams are often X-rated and I can return to them when I want a thrill.
... I'm comfortable in my skin.
... I have a website called sololady and if I wasn't solo I'd have to get another domain name.
... you're more alone in an unhappy relationship than you really ever are without a relationship at all.
... my friends don't introduce me to anyone anymore because they know that unlike some women my age who settle, I want a bit more than "mammal" on my wish list.
... life doesn't always wind up the way you expect it to, and you roll with it.
... I choose to be.
... I'm able to be.
I'm alone but not lonely, but I'm still open to options, and do understand the beauty and wonder -- and blessing --of a good relationship.
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You sound like a really interesting person. We should have lunch.
I know a few mature women who are content to live single, but remain open to options. I also know a few mature women who are unhappily cohabitating, but feel trapped by kids or finances. If you're unable to survive alone, your relationships may be tainted by your own neediness.
1. Can we get a source on the blues song? Name? Artist?
2. I'm middle-aged - never married, no children, and I know I'm supposed to feel bad about it, but I kind of don't. I'm glad I'm not the only single straight woman who thinks no man is better than a man who doesn't make me happy.
3. This was an absolutely lovely essay. The description of the wild oats was fabulous.
Title of the song is "Hell of a Good Man".
As a single guy at 32, I appreciate Soooo much more single confident women who are ok being
single. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who can stand on her own two feet, knows what she wants and doesn't latch on to losers just to not be alone.
Agreed. I honor a woman's desire to be self-reliant: to not take care of or be taken care of by another (man or woman). For 23 years. I have honored and supported my wife's desire to have a successful career and pursue her own interests. We split everything: cooking, cleaning, bills, etc. I am proud of her success, strength and happiness.
Everyone should be able to go out into the world and make their place in it, as they see fit. There are pitfalls and roadblocks along the way for us all. But, if you think that that general category of humans called 'men' are the cause of all your problems, you will always give up your power.
You condemn and demonize those of us who honor you. I understand that there is a problem with the way many men treat women and it needs to be addressed. But, there are many progressive men out there who aren't beer-guzzling, couch potatoes who belch and hit on 20-something nymphs. As I honor your individuality, it is unfortunate that you dishonor me by labeling all men the same. Are all women the same? That would be a sad world to live in if true. Be proud.
"You gotta be a really good man to be better than no man at all." -- Blues song
Amen, Sister. Any man isn't better than no man just like any father isn't better than no father.
I love this article. I'm 29 and have spent most of my life unattached, and I'm perfectly happy with that...yet everybody I know has "this guy you just have to meet." I will have to send them this email.
I'm 37, alone & happy. Why? Because I have been dating since I was 12, and me & my female parts are frickin' exhausted!
Every woman "of a certain age" and all ages before or after or in between should keep this post and read it and re-read it, and KNOW that it's alright to be alone and happy, to be alone and "different". To be alone and be authentically themselves.
Even those of us in relationships (happy or sad or in between) need to be alone now and then and be ok with it.
Bless you Lea Lane! You GO GIRL!
That blues song she quotes is "Hell of a Good Man".
"It’ take a hell of a good man
To be my Mr. Right
It takes a hell of a sweet man
To see me every night
It takes a hell of a good man
To be better than no man at all"
How sad. I wish I knew you but I don't. I guess we play the hand we draw.
Sad? You thought this post was sad? I think THAT'S sad. I thought this was brilliant and refreshing and life-affirming and wonderfully reveling in the uniqueness of what she has to offer herself and everyone else. How in the world can that be sad?
I guess I found it sad because I am not alone and have never been. I am surrounded by people and I add more every day. Kids, grandkids, kids friends, grandkids friends, neighbors, crushes, detestations, attractions, casual aquaintances, fast friends, old friends, old lovers, maybe lovers-to-be. Then there is favorite songs, favorite books and their favorite characters and movies I love.
I don't need to reaffirm or affirm anything and I don't give a darn to shout my uniqueness to the wind. I'd rather argue March madness with my son any day. So, yes, I find this sad. Sorry.
I'm 46. I look/act like I'm in my 30s, but I really don't want to go out with younger men; I prefer men my own age or a bit older. Unfortunately, just as you've found, most of them don't want to go out with ME; they'd rather go out with my (hypothetical) college-aged daughter.
So I'm considering younger men, but I don't think that will work out too well. The biggest problem is most younger men want children. I can't give a younger man his own, biological children, and for the ones who want children, that will be a deal-breaker. For the ones who don't want children, the problem may be that I already have one of my own, who's ony six and unlikely to move out of the house any time soon.
For the record, I'm attractive, slim, active, intelligent, funny, college-educated, and well-traveled. I don't care how much you have in the bank, as long as you can take care of yourself, you're not drowning in debt, and you have your own interests. I'm not only willing to date short guys, I prefer them; my son's father was 5'6" and my last boyfriend was 5'7".
I still believe the right guy is out there for me (and us) somewhere, but I won't settle for just anyone, just because I'm "old" and I have a child. I'd rather be happily alone than unhappily married any day.
OLD? Says who? Why do we women continue to allow ourselves to be judged through the eyes of men?
Because, believe it or not, we adore you.
Can someone PLEASE explain something to me? For simplicity's sake, let's say there are roughly 90 million Baby Boomers, and only 50 million GenExers..
So -- doesn't reality ever dawn on these men, who are scorning women in their own age bracket? There aren't enough women under 35 to go around.
On greensingl
One cynical woman friend told me that these guys finally wise up around age 65, and then they become willing to date women close to their own age bracket (like 55) because they are in a panic. They realize they will need a nurse before long. Well, this babe's not falling for that. I nursed my mother until she passed. I'm not doing it for some guy who just recently decided he would "settle" for me.
That blues song line said it all.
Title of the song is hellofa good man.
Good for you!
Thanks for a good post Lea! I think that once we stop being led through life by our lower chakras, it comes down to companionship which some seem to need a lot more than others. I grew up with three brothers and am very comfortable with masculine energy. I like having guy friends. But I do not feel the need to pair up. Sick of hearing from society that EVERYONE is looking for that special someone. Not true. I have loved and been well and truly loved, and am still being hit on by, interestingly enough, mostly younger men, but I am just not interested. I like my own company and have animals and friends to enjoy when not reading a good book, watching a film, or traveling. Your quote from the song really says it best.
I once saw an image of the Web of Diamonds, a figure representing how each unit is separate yet reflected in every single other. It was represented as some truly evolved spiritual inclusiveness, but to me it was just another of those too familiar stifling smalltown busybody networks.
I wonder how much of all our trouble and woe, from teenage anger and depression to the forlorn rags of the old days when they sit in parks, can be attributed to living lives based upon the reflection of others. I am alone, says nothing really about me. It says, that other reflection needed to complete me is missing. Our natural state is much less in the final count a web of diamonds than one solitary lone lorn individual struggling on her lonesome way back home.
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