The divorce is done and things are going along nicely for a while, and then it happens. Your ex doesn't tell you that when the kids were with him or her they got sick. Not just a little sick, but sick enough that when it is your visitation, you have to take them to the doctor.
And, then it happens again. It is their visitation and they show up hours late for pick up, and your plans to meet your friend for dinner had to be canceled. Or, they bring the kids home hours late, and won't answer their cell phone to tell you what is going on.
And, yet again. They stop answering emails and suddenly don't answer the phone when they have the kids so you can speak to them during their visitation. Communication breakdown in post divorce is common and become critical. It is critical that both parents have access to the children no matter who is in possession of them. That is why most decrees state that phone calls can be made and must be answered. It is critical that the parent who does not have the kids knows when the children are sick, and when they call to see how they are doing, that the phone is answered.
It is critical for the children to know that they have access to each parent, no matter whose house they are staying at. But, emotions get in the way. He made you angry because he has a new girlfriend. She made you angry because she didn't tell you about a parent/teacher conference. The list goes on and on.
Despite the long list of complaints you have about your ex-spouse, you must co-parent and communicate. You are divorced on paper, but the truth is, you are never divorced from your spouse if you have children. You spend the rest of your life seeing and communicating with that spouse.
When co-parenting breaks down and one ex refuses to communicate, it is imperative that you put your foot down right away. Do not accept less than what is your right, for your sake and for the sake of your kids. Sometimes that involves going to see an attorney to find out your rights. And, if you are lucky, then one single letter will shape up the situation. If you are not, it could mean several trips back to the courthouse.
But, no matter what it means, co-parenting is essential in the post divorce process. You have to raise your children together. Even though you might consider yourself a single parent, your children do have another parent. And, if that other parent wants to be involved, then you must communicate with them. Put the anger and bitterness aside and communicate.
One tip that has always helped me is to keep it on a business level, rather than a personal level. You are now in the "business" of raising these children with a person that no longer resides in your home. It can be tricky. Do you discipline the same way? Do you have the same values? Do you put the same emphasis on what is important?
It can help if you write down what you need and want regarding how the kids deal with homework, which friends you like and don't like, how you like them disciplined and if there are any issues, such as they are punished or grounded and things they are not allowed to do.
When it comes to children, they need and respond to continuity. So, it is important that both houses provide that continuity. For instance, Little Sophie didn't do her homework, clean her room and talked back to Mom. Mom grounded Little Sophie and took the television away for the week. But, Little Sophie is going to Dad's house on Thursday night. Make sure that Dad knows that Little Sophie is not allowed to watch TV and the reason why. Tell Dad when he picks Little Sophie up, so she knows that he knows, and can't manipulate Dad. Dad should then not only respect that Little Sophie was grounded, but he should talk to Little Sophie about her actions.
Just because you are now living in two separate houses does not mean you can't work together to raise your children. Is it harder? Absolutely. But, if you were still in the same house and Little Sophie had broken those rules, she would be grounded with no television and it wouldn't be an issue. This is important to remember. How would it be IF you lived together?
If you and your ex can co-parent in separate homes the same as when you were parenting in one home, then communication will remain open and there should not be any kind of breakdowns. Also, never forget, it's for the kids that you are doing this. Not each other.
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Granted it's not an ideal situation to move back and forth on a weekly or a monthly basis, but that is the reality of divorce. It's ugly and not ideal for any involved.
My ex even blamed my daughter for our divorce, not his affair, or his lack of employment, or his complete 180 on drinking and smoking after we married (he didn't drink more than 1 beer with dinner when we dated, and after we married it was a 6-pack a night, and he didn't smoke either before, after a pack a day...).
We hope to be able to communicate and co-parent well, but even the "best" divorces have their moments.
Never has the Serenity Prayer made more sense than to divorced parents: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Co-parenting is often accepting what we can not change.
Children by the way who need stability because these are their formative years.
I grew up with divorced "co-parents" that were best friends after their divorce. They were -always- on good terms, yet I still feel damaged by the 11 years I spent switching between homes every single friday.
I know 2 families where the fathers demanded "every other night" custody agreement. For 10 years I've seen those children never stay in the same bed two nights in a row. The parents should be strung up for allowing such an emotionally sick existence for their young children.
Now that kids involved are teens, it's changing...they want to be near friends on weekends, have part time jobs, so they spend more and more time just at Mother's.
My daughter's father wanted the same thing, when she was just 3...every other night, because, he said, "it's only fair". I put my foot down and said, "NEVER" -- she is 16 and has a healthier custody schedule than anyone we know...it's set up for Wednesdays and weekends (starting Sat at noon) with her father, but given her age, we handle it "at will" meaning HER will, HER choice, and it's worked out beautifully for her AND us---if I need to make a change because of plans, it's no big deal, and because we are fluid with it, my child has never felt like she was being shoved aside for our social lives.
Men who never spent 30 consecutive minutes actually being with their children when married, get all tangled up in property rights when it comes to custody. It's another symptom of the myriad social sicknesses of this nation.
By the way, here is what my son and I went through:
http://news.mensactivism.org/node/15347
As far as going back and forth, that is another article for another time.
Even better, stop being selfish with your kid's life and do what is best for them, end the house switching. Imagine if you were FORCED (not asked) to switch the home you lived in every week or two for 10 years or so. Just imagine that, and tell me you are truly acting in their best interest.
I am not divorced but I appreciate this article. My husband and I had extensive conversations before having children about what we wanted for our kids and what would happen if we ever did break up. We made a commitment that no matter what happened, no matter how angry or betrayed we might feel by the other, the kids would always get our best. We promised that we only be positive about each other in the presence of the children. Now I know that this might seem unrealistic, especially as we are still together but I hope that should the worst happen, we can use that as our standard.
It is hard to feel that you don't have a partner in parenting and I applaud all parents (male, female, custodial or non-custodial) who give their best and put the kid's welfare first.
Great article!
Traci
My prayers go out to all of you who have very difficult co-parenting situations that you have to live with on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I think that is the majority of divorced parents.
What utter nonsense. If there had been any "co-parenting" going on when we were in one home I doubt there would have been a divorce in the first place.
Divorce law and counseling start from a false premise there is equality between ex spouses, but if there was a mutually supportive relationship, then why did the marriage collapse? Probably far more often than divorce professionals would like to admit one spouse or the other really has been shouldering the whole burden.
For example, my divorce was precipitated by my ex's mental health breakdown. In the year before he left he became so withdrawn from the world and the kids that he spent most of his time lying on the couch playing computer games and couldn't manage to bathe or get dressed for days at a time.
So prior to the day he finally got up and left I was caring for two small children plus an obviously mentally ill spouse who refused to get evaluation or counseling. Need I say, trying to communicate with an adult in this state of mind was a kind of hell I have absolutely no desire to re-engage with.
It sounds like the reasons for your divorce had more to do with the mental breakdown than the fact that your husband wasn't able to parent with you because of it.
And, if you can't communicate while married does not mean you can't learn how to while divorced. Different kinds of communication all very important.
>>Divorce is caused by abuse, infidelity, money, family...
In other words, divorce is very often a result of the inability or refusal on the part of one or the other spouse to fully participate in the financial, emotional and social responsibilities that make up a marriage so that the other person has to shoulder more and more responsibility in order to compensate and ends up overwhelmed, drained and resentful.
Then somehow once the marriage is legally dissolved this radical inequality of financial, emotional and social investment into the family is supposed to magically vanish?
I don't think so.
I stick by my point that your "communication" advice assumes an essential equality of commitment between ex-spouses, and that such equality so rarely exists in a real divorce situation that the advice is essentially useless.
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Not all communication break-downs in co-parenting relationships are because one or the other parent refuses to “[p]ut the anger and bitterness aside and communicate.” Sometimes parents close communication protectively, to shield him/herself and the children from harm, from negativity, verbal abuse, or worse.
What then? An abusive Ex should take “...the final option when nothing else works.” Rarely is it in the interests of the children to crank up the legal heat and spend their college money on lawyers, but in situations where one or the other parent is actively, ignorantly engaging in behavior which is harmful?
Undoubtedly, it isn’t something one or the other parent should be left to decide. (Hating one’s ex and wanting them as out of the picture as possible could hardly be more cliché.) However, sometimes those trips to the courthouse are about protecting children FROM a troubled, sick, or abusive co-parent. In some homes, there wasn’t any co-parenting pre-split, so things don’t improve with an added dollop of animosity and a few more trips to the courthouse.
When you write that piece about co-parenting in high-conflict situations—please let me know!
Annie Parker
www.bitterdivorcée.com
Of course, if the parent is apathetic to begin with, which I wrote about in this article, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-block/how-to-deal-with-apatheti_b_792261.html, there is rarely a solution to whether or not you can co parent.
Every situation has its own story and is different. So, this article will not relate to everyone's experience, and I am so sorry that yours has been and continues to be a tough one.
When you do need support from your spouse on an issue, such as discipline or choice of activity, I think it's important to word that "I need/want/would like you to ......" as opposed to "You should etc." and explain why you think it's important.
And as for phone calls ... thank goodness for cell phones!
Reasonable telephone access to your children is important. There have been instances where the other parent has called the children so much as to cause intereference. People have gone to court to limit the phone calls when they have been excessive.
If you communicate to begin with, all those issues can be avoided.
As far as the other parent calling too much, I also know of several people who have certain times or amounts when you can call, but this is about basic telephone access. When that parent does not pick up during those times.