I used to think about a non-custodial mom in a negative way. I thought about someone who must have some pretty major issues. They must be drug addicts, have serious mental issues or they are so self-absorbed, they didn't want to take care of their children once they were free from the bonds of matrimony. And then I interviewed 5 women who were brave enough to come forward and talk to me about it.
These mothers did not have their children taken away from them, they gave them up. I can hear all the readers gasping in shock and surprise and thinking, what mother would give up their children? There must be something wrong with her, and at one point in time, I would have had that same belief.
But, there is nothing wrong with these women. In fact, there is everything right with these women. They all have one important thing in common other than not being a primary caregiver to their children, they are all selfless. Yes, selfless.
When a father is non-custodial, we picture this guy who is out working really hard and just doesn't have the time to raise his children on his own. He is noble and kind and pays his child support on time. And, when he does take those kids for his three days at a time, we applaud him for doing it on his own. Why can't the non-custodial mother be viewed the same way? The reason why is we have been programmed, despite feminism, to think that it is the woman's job to rear the children.
Each woman had a different story as to how they became the non-custodial parent, but the general theme was similar; they did what they thought was best for the children. Whether the father was always the primary caregiver or the father had remarried and could provide a more stable home environment in a better neighborhood, each mother had the same image of care they wanted for their kids, which was for their lives to be as uninterrupted as possible and for them to be in the most stable environment.
The decisions these women made to not be the primary custodian did not come easily or lightly, but in the end, their only concern was what was best for the kids. None of them have split parenting time, they all have standard visitation. And, with that being said, they all not only feel a closer bond to their children, who confide in them more during their quality time, they have a better co-parenting relationship with their ex-husbands.
Each mother knows the ex-husband will do what is right for the children and, more importantly, trusts them to do what is right for the kids. Ground rules were laid down early on as to how things would be handled, and those rules have served the children well. The kids are well-adjusted living with their father while visiting their mother.
It seems that all these women have adopted a very healthy attitude which is also a common thread among them. They know that even when the children are not with them, they are still raising them, and that the umbilical cord can't be severed because they will always be the mother.
Most of the non-custodial mothers don't want to speak up because of the fear of what others will think about them. After all, the stigma is strong against these women, but the truth is, I see nobility in their actions because they truly are only thinking of the children and not themselves. Putting a child's needs above your own is the best way to raise healthy children post divorce, and these women have figured out how to do that.
Is this the difference between men and women? I don't think so. What I do think is that in order for more men to parent equally, women have to allow them to parent equally and that men can be as good a caregiver, if not better, to their children as the mother. I also know that kids change and parents need to recognize this and make the changes that are best for the children.
I realize there are quite a few mothers who have had custody taken from them for all the reasons listed in the first paragraph, and truth be told, those were not the women I was looking to learn from, and not the women I am talking about here. But, imagine if all women and all men that were going through divorce thought like these women, the children would matter more and not just be pawns to be bargained with.
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I'm hoping this article will also help the non-custodial dads in my life, too.
I commend these woman who have, despite the judgment and criticisms of others, and by refusing the temptation to cash in at their expense, put the needs of their children, above their own. Unfortunately there just aren't many mothers out there like this, and furthermore not very many more who are even happy with working at a 50/50 parenting time with their ex, for the sake of their children.
More often than not, when someone hears a child is living with the biological Father not the Mother, the first thought is often "what is wrong with the Mother?" Well there are many of us Mom's who have made this selfless decision and there is nothing wrong with us. We are not addicts, homeless, unemployed or in abusive relationships. We are women who for whatever reason put aside our feelings in order to give our child/children the best possible life. Sexual genitalia does not and should not determine child custody.
My son will tell you he has two Mom's & two Dad's. I am the parent who pays child support & I do it gladly. We all spend Christmas, birthdays, & other major events together. So yes, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, we did what was in the best interest of our son.
I have custody of my oldest daughter now, and working on getting my youngest.
At the time I felt I had no choice.
he got custody and then she had to pay him money. then worst he moved away so she didn't get to see her kids.
I tried not to be critical but I always thought her kids came first for her. her kids were brought up by a parent who did not set a good example. he was and is still lazy, he drank too much. She said she thought she and her second husband should have met earlier as they were more in sync. her kids became like their father. i don't know why she didn't expect it.
Molly Monet PhD
http://www.postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com
Perhaps you will see the article you want at some point in the future though, and I am sorry for the pain you have had to go through regarding alienation.
I am just so glad I came upon this article because it is exactly what I'm going through.
This dynamic is not unrelated to what is known as the "Lace Curtain" in our society where, the fact of the matter is, women are treated differently than men are. Simply look at crime, sentencing, and subsequent punishment: Sentences meted out to women convicted of killing their own children as compared to the sentences men, convicted of the same crime, are lighter. So, not only are we talking about different ballparks, we‘re talking about completely different sports!
Women are only held to accountability standards that the media, academia, the clergy, and society at large see as “fitting” and those "standards" are not in step with those of their male counterparts. As for Custody, it is the money changing hands within the Family Law Industry, not the parenting skill(s) or lack thereof of the parties, that perpetuates the horrific bias against fathers inherent in Family Court “decisions” involving primary custody of minor children. Without the bias against Dads in Family Law, you have a moot article here.
What's a little funny to me is reading comments from male readers who come across as defending men or non custodial father's in general. I'm a non custodial mother by choice. I made my decision with my ex husband based on who could earn more money in order to pay child support and who (the dad in our case) had fewer work hours so he could do the day to day shuttling and parenting for our kids. In "real life", I get more side-ways looks and comments from other women and mother's than from men. Men seem to get me more and relate to me. I describe myself as "the divorced dad" just so people have some idea of what my situation is and so they don't think I had my kids taken away from me. I'm even friends with the head of "Help for Daddy"... a non profit group who helps divorced dads who want more rights. Maybe we need to replace the word non custodial "mom or dad" with "parent" in the future.
While I could have provided a stable-enough environment for my kids, it wasn't as stable as the one their father and his wife could provide. But the deciding factor for me was that we were heading down a path that was going to leave my kids seeing their father very rarely because of various reasons. The only way to ensure they had strong relationships with both parents--something I believe is and always will be in their best interest--was to give them up in the day to day and become the parent with visitation.
It's a gut-wrenching way to live, only made moreso by the stigma. But years into this, I have no question I did the right thing for my kids.