Right now I'm listening to Sean Hannity. It's not voluntary, but that doesn't change my situation. I'm in a crappy hotel in the middle of Georgia and a dittohead (I could use a much worse term) in the adjacent room is apparently watching Hannity of his own volition. The walls in this particular high-end hotel are Amy-Winehouse-thin and therefore I hear every last spittle-soaked word that pops into Hannity's misshapen cranium.
Here are things I'd rather do than listening to Sean Hannity bloviate:
• Have my entire body, including nether regions, waxed slowly over the course of a month while being sprayed with a citric mist.
• Be locked in a tank full of sting rays and electric eels until I'm able to explain "empathy" to Lou Dobbs.
• Ride over the Bermuda Triangle in an airplane piloted by Trig Palin.
• Eat tainted spinach out of John Madden's mouth in a Turkish bathhouse.
• Be covered with sunflower seeds and dropped into an aviary filled with horny pterodactyls brought back to life with DNA found inside Ann Coulter.
• Be charged with cleaning Ozzy Osbourn's feet with my tongue for the next 1,000 years.
• Receive a prostate exam from a blind doctor with two hook hands.
• Write the next Larry The Cable Guy film.
• Direct the next Larry The Cable Guy film.
• Have an intestinal parasite that itself has a horrible disease.
• Go on an 18-hour plane ride with Elizabeth Hasselbeck without access to duct tape, a ball gag, or large blunt objects.
Okay, things just got worse as I sit tortured in an undisclosed hotel in a town that likely voted 112% for McCain. I've learned through the wall that Hannity's panel tonight consists of Michelle "Bring Back McCarthyism" Bachmann, Al Sharpton, and Meatloaf. Of course judging by what you know of the quality of Hannity's show, you may not be able to tell whether I meant meatloaf the food or Meatloaf the washed-up singer. But honestly, does it really matter? Either way, that's one hell of panel Sean has put together. How could the real answers not come to light with that stellar group of political scientists??
Here are a few panels for Hannity's show that would relay more useful information to viewers than the Sharpton/ Bachmann/ Meatloaf all-star team:
• Paris Hilton, Don Imus, and Ace of Bass
• Reverend Haggard, Connie Chung, and The Commodores
• Luke Perry, Joe Lieberman, and Naughty By Nature
• Verne Troyer, Warren Buffet, and a tuna casserole
However, it's up to you to decide which would make the best band. If you'll excuse me, I have a burning bag of poo to leave in front of a hotel room door.