A List of Things I'd Rather Do Than Listen to Hannity

Right now I'm listening to Sean Hannity. It's not voluntary, but that doesn't change my situation. I'm in a crappy hotel in the middle of Georgia and a dittohead (I could use a much worse term) in the adjacent room is apparently watching Hannity of his own volition. The walls in this particular high-end hotel are Amy-Winehouse-thin and therefore I hear every last spittle-soaked word that pops into Hannity's misshapen cranium.

Here are things I'd rather do than listening to Sean Hannity bloviate:

• Have my entire body, including nether regions, waxed slowly over the course of a month while being sprayed with a citric mist.

• Be locked in a tank full of sting rays and electric eels until I'm able to explain "empathy" to Lou Dobbs.

• Ride over the Bermuda Triangle in an airplane piloted by Trig Palin.

• Eat tainted spinach out of John Madden's mouth in a Turkish bathhouse.

• Be covered with sunflower seeds and dropped into an aviary filled with horny pterodactyls brought back to life with DNA found inside Ann Coulter.

• Be charged with cleaning Ozzy Osbourn's feet with my tongue for the next 1,000 years.

• Receive a prostate exam from a blind doctor with two hook hands.

• Write the next Larry The Cable Guy film.

• Direct the next Larry The Cable Guy film.

• Have an intestinal parasite that itself has a horrible disease.

• Go on an 18-hour plane ride with Elizabeth Hasselbeck without access to duct tape, a ball gag, or large blunt objects.

Okay, things just got worse as I sit tortured in an undisclosed hotel in a town that likely voted 112% for McCain. I've learned through the wall that Hannity's panel tonight consists of Michelle "Bring Back McCarthyism" Bachmann, Al Sharpton, and Meatloaf. Of course judging by what you know of the quality of Hannity's show, you may not be able to tell whether I meant meatloaf the food or Meatloaf the washed-up singer. But honestly, does it really matter? Either way, that's one hell of panel Sean has put together. How could the real answers not come to light with that stellar group of political scientists??

Here are a few panels for Hannity's show that would relay more useful information to viewers than the Sharpton/ Bachmann/ Meatloaf all-star team:

• Paris Hilton, Don Imus, and Ace of Bass

• Reverend Haggard, Connie Chung, and The Commodores

• Luke Perry, Joe Lieberman, and Naughty By Nature

• Verne Troyer, Warren Buffet, and a tuna casserole

However, it's up to you to decide which would make the best band. If you'll excuse me, I have a burning bag of poo to leave in front of a hotel room door.

Comments

[SpaceboySD]

Dude, this is hilarious and I just watched you on youtube; you are AWESOME!!! Thanks for the laughs.

[RobinSeattle]

"Have my entire body, including nether regions, waxed slowly over the course of a month while being sprayed with a citric mist."

You forgot the duct tape to do the waxing with.

"Eat tainted spinach out of John Madden's mouth in a Turkish bathhouse."

Soon to be a Frank Caliendo skit.

"Write the next Larry The Cable Guy film"

How about the ":Larry, the Bathroom Stall Guy"?

[mytwosense]

Best band? Easy, the Dodos (the San Francisco duo who build a clattering sound out of minimal elements).

[Freenation]

Hannit's selling point is, he knows he is a big liar yet he tries to hide it by slamming the other side like Alan...you can see the frustration on Hannity's face when he is being clobbered....

[AmeriGus]

Hannity's idea of balance is putting a liberal on the air who is dumb, radical, inarticulate, or complicit with the necon agenda. Hannity has had his head handed to him on rare occasions when the deck was not stacked, so he wants to make sure issues like Nigerian yellowcake, Downing Street memos, Abu Ghraib, Mike Connell, Plame's outing and the DC Madam don't get discussed openly and publicly. Hannity's audeience is not allowed to learn about these issues in discussing Bush's legacy because knowing all the facts would show that Bush is an American disgrace in need of criminal investigation.
Instead, Hannity lives in a la-la world where the 35 Articles of Impeachment filed against Bush are to be ignored. If I was a Bush defender, I'd explain why the articles aren't valid, if I could. Hannity can't, so they are ignored, but that dishonesty shortchanges the public good and the public trust for his media profiteering and political propagandizing.

[temptxan]

We are lucky in American. Each week night we can turn on Fox news and watch the delusional preach to the uninformed. They can't write comedy this good. The way the Hannity contorts the truth to fit his personal vision is pure poetry. No need for logic or truth, it's all about his interpretation. It is sad that so many actually believe what they see, but there are bad apples in every bushel, and time and the inevitable social changes will render this particular type of "journalism" moot.

[lesterbud]

Lee

Go for a walk.

I do like the DNA from Coulter line though - craaaaaaw

[CynAnne]

... Oh, Lee! I empathize with the horrid plight you found yourself in (although I giggled all the way through your list)..apparently Hammity-hummers are deaf, as well as mentally deficient. If only you had been able to respond with some 100 decibel Keith O. in response..! ;) ...

[Dukedraven]

I rather be waterboarded at Gitmo than listen to Hannity.

[swellsoire]

Mr. Camp you did a great job slamming those late night geniuses at FOX on the Red Eye Show or whatever that piece of dried scat is called. You are to be commended. I stumbled upon that quite by accident. You made me laugh hysterically. I woke up my girlfriend. Thanks!

[LeeCamp]

Thanks Swellsoire. If you liked that clip on Fox News, then you would love this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeR2-qWpe18&feature=channel_page

[swellsoire]

Also hilarious! Please keep up the good work. You are fighting the good fight. Never turn down an opportunity to appear on FOX. I live in Georgia and I'm amazed that people with low incomes will consistently vote against their own interests. Most of the populace here are horribly misinformed because they watch FOX exclusively. Thanks again!

[OneAngryDwarf]

Wow Hannity, Sharpton, and McBachman in the same room at the same time. They must have had to hire an engineer to redesign the studio to hold that much hot air.

Is it safe to have so little intelligence in the same room at one time? I mean those three dolts could get confused and all deny something stupid they said on camera at the same time, thus negating reality and bringing an to end life as we know it...

Scary stuff

[Arenk]

very true and really funny--great job

[tomfl78]

FYI "Larry the Cable Guy" or Daniel Lawrence Whitney never attended college

[tomfl78]

Kremfresch do u believe in evolution?

[AmeriGus]

Hannity is a shameful propagandist and spinmeister, reminiscent of Tokyo Rose, a daily infomercial for the military industrial complex Eisenhower warned America about. I'd prefer my kids to hear both sides of an argument so they can make up their minds by hearing informed people argue openly.

Hannity hides opposing views in pure cowardice, but I stand ready to debate any Hannity supporter on the validity of the Iraq war, Reaganomics, or anything else this neocon says Conservatism stands for.