07/30/2010 03:25 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Excuse Me While I Make a Deal With the Homophobes

There's still a lot people out there who are against gay marriage, violently against it. They run around trying to give gay people self-help books on how to tone down the gay, or cover up the gay, or channel the gay into athletics or community service. And I'm sure that all works like a charm. "Yeah, he used to be gay but now he's a hell of a softball player!" or "Instead of all the gay sex, he's been on the tennis court workin' on his backhand."

So I have the answer. I think we should make the homophobes a deal. Everyone who wants to be anti-gay and lesbian, you go ahead and do that, but we're taking away everything from your life that is gay or gay-friendly or gay-like or gay-inspired or bisexual. You're not allowed near it. So that means no more Ellen Degeneres Show or Oprah or Michael Jackson music, Elton John, Lady Gaga or Madonna. No more Rosie O'Donnell anything or Professional Wrestling. No more musicals or Dancing With The Stars, no more college fraternities, guys night out, or KISS albums -- well, at least the drummer from KISS. No more lifting weights at the gym with the other guys spotting you while you're sweating in a low-cut torn t-shirt. No more movies starring Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, The Rock, or that werewolf from the Twilight movies. And no more adults watching god damn Twilight movies! No more Serena Williams, WNBA, or parades of any of kind. No more watching college girls make out with each other or dance together or jump up and down in wet t-shirt contests together. Obviously no more gay weddings but also no more straight weddings. Nothing's gayer than a straight wedding! (Come on, it's men crying and singing YMCA.) No more field hockey for women or yoga for men. No more celebrating Halloween or getting haircuts. (Haircuts are so gay.) No more slow motion during football games. And no more shaving your balls -- I don't care if you have a forest down there that itches like bestiality with a porcupine. Too bad! You shoulda thought of that when you were hating gays.

So there ya go. Don't go near any of that stuff, and if you do, we will not only force you to support gay marriage, we will force you into a gay marriage. Deal?