04/09/2012 03:06 pm ET | Updated Jun 09, 2012

"I Can Solve the Unemployment Crisis"

There's a new ExxonMobil commercial that you've probably seen. It talks about how wonderful it will be to have the tar sands pipeline through the middle of the entire US because building it will create jobs. They keep repeating it. "Create jobs! It will create jobs right here in America!" says the smiling man from ExxonMobil who doesn't have any ulterior motives at all. Similarly, large corporations also talk about all the jobs that will be created if Congress and the IRS would just allow them to bring their offshore tax haven money back into the United States without it being taxed.

And I agree. Americans need jobs! But is helping tax dodgers or building environmentally devastating oil pipelines the only way to create jobs? NO! There are others, and I'm proposing we get started on the following projects right now.

1) We clear-cut Alaska's grizzly bears. They're ferocious, and they're angry because we're wiping out their habitat. I say cut 'em all off at the ankles. And that will create jobs -- you'll need trackers, bear experts, samurais with samurai swords. Jobs jobs jobs! And don't worry, if we leave the ankles, they'll grow back.

2) We build absolutely redundant oil pipelines across the entire United States, millions of miles of leaky pipelines. Think about it - you gotta build 'em, then you gotta poke holes in 'em, then you gotta clean up the mess. Before the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, there were only, like, 30 guys working on an oil platform. After the spill there were THOUSANDS of jobs to clean up that sh**.

3) We murder everybody named Luke or Lance. Lukes and Lances are generally a**holes, right? So you murder 'em, then you gotta clean it up, then you gotta hire counselors to counsel Luke's douchey friends on their grief. Lots of jobs!

4) Blow up the Hoover Dam. Rebuild it out of Cheerios so that it collapses every week or so. Keep rebuilding it.

5) We redirect the wind sweeping across the great plains to wind farms in the North and South of the country. Sure, you could build wind farms where the wind is but that wouldn't create NEARLY as many jobs as redirecting the jet stream. I'm not sure how yet. Giant kites or something.

6) Let's tie all babies together. Not in one area -- I mean across the US. Wherever there's a baby, it's got a tether connecting it to all other babies. Lot of benefits to this. Every time a baby moves he has to pull on all the other babies, so that would slow them down. There would be no more kidnapping or baby escapes. And it would create an insane number of jobs to connect the babies and then to monitor the vast baby network.

7) Lastly, but most importantly, we cause cancer in people. As much cancer as possible, but we'll try to make it the treatable kinds. Treating cancer takes tons of work and money and jobs. You say oil pipelines creates jobs. I say cancer pipelines. Let's bring cancer to every American.

Everything on this list would create jobs. So I'm starting a partnership with ExxonMobil to make this list happen. Together we can make America strong again.