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President Obama Promises Major Speech "Every Few Hours"

11/10/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

In a major speech this morning, President Barack "Toastmaster" Obama admitted that he hasn't been making nearly enough major speeches and promised that he would clarify his position on major speeches in a major speech to be given this afternoon to both houses of Congress, the Washington press corps and a group of Finnish tourists whose bus coincidentally veered too close to the two-mile perimeter around the White House now known as 'the major speech zone.'

Republican response to the president's statement was swift and involved yelling, waving pieces of paper and then issuing a statement complaining about the state of discourse in Washington. Upon closer examination, the statement is part of a software package called "101 EZ Republican Statements!" that is widely available in the discount bin near the back of most OfficeMax stores.

President Obama was contrite about possibly admitting to theoretical failures about maybe showing vague leadership about stuff and things lately, saying:

Let me be clear. Could I have given more major speeches? The time for asking that question is over, and now we begin a season of answering rhetorical questions that I ask myself out loud in a rhetorical flourish that even I myself am not in a position to fully grasp. What is clear is that I should be giving major speeches with all my might every hour of every day.

At that point, President Obama's speech was interrupted by three minutes of Democratic applause and four minutes of Republican Representative Joe Wilson from Cornhole, South Carolina yelling 'liar.'

In a statement following the president's statement, Rep. Wilson issued the following statement:

I would like to apologize for any appearance of showing disrespect to the Kenyan President, Mr. Obama and clarify my position. What I meant to say was, 'Boy, you've got no reason and you've got no sense. Your stupid lies, it just makes me wince. U-g-l-y you ain't got no alibi, you're just ugly. U-g-l-y you ain't got no alibi, you're just ug, ugly ugly.'

Fishbone could not be reached for comment.

President Obama then made another speech. And the speech was so good and powerful and magical that nobody noticed they were going to have to pay a hefty fine if they didn't give an insurance company lots of their money. And the insurance industry just laughed and laughed and laughed.