LANGLEY, VA: Confirming reports that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times in one month in 2003, CIA officials officially stated that America had been put in grave peril by the agency stopping just shy of the 'magic number' of 184 waterboarding sessions during that month.
"We were really close with KSM -- maybe just a Super Big Gulp of water away from breaking a number of major cases wide open" said officials. "Before we were pulled back. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was about to tell us who assassinated JFK, why Building 7 collapsed at the World Trade Center and was also about to solve an episode of Cold Case where a closeted gay high school athlete was found dead on the basketball court in 1953."
The unnamed officials spoke under the condition that Dick Cheney would "stop hanging around outside their house and pestering their kids."
The officials said that the recent reports paint a misleading picture of the interrogation methods used. "When you hear that we waterboarded someone 183 times in a month, it makes sounds like we did some crazy torture thing six times a day. That's not at all true," said officials. "We actually waterboarded KSM 182 times in one day and then we did one wicked long session that lasted 29 days, which isn't the same thing at all."
Officials said the procedure was totally "by the book" but refused to release the name of the book in question. It was reportedly published in Germany in the early 1940s.
The CIA officials spoke freely, having filled out forms granting them immunity earlier in the day on the Obama administration's new website "IgnoreTheConstitution.GOV". Officials described the website as having a 'slick, clean design and good use of fonts' and spoke highly of the feature that allowed CIA officials and detainees to Twitter during harsh interrogation sessions. "We've already gotten one confession after a terror suspect was forced to exchange tweets with Ashton Kutcher."
But the officials were still frustrated over their failure with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. "He had confessed to several international terror incidents, to cheating on Mrs. Mohammed with a Russian pop singer and to finishing the last of the cake from TGI Fridays that I had left in the fridge," said one visibly hungry official.
"The only reason we weren't able to finish the job is because of a bunch of do-gooders who seem to love a little place called 'Geneva' more than they love the US of A. Plus, we ran out of water."
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