11/02/2009 01:31 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

GOP Introduces Single Payer Health Care Bill

In a political move that Republican strategist Karl Rove said will 'mess up people's heads way worse than their heads ever been messed up before, yo', leaders of both the Republican House and Senate introduced a bill today calling for a national Single Payer health care system that builds on the best elements of systems from Cananda, the U.K. and France and would give every American citizen cradle to grave access to the finest health care in the world as a basic human right.

Reached for comment, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel immediately pooped his pants.

House minority leader John Boehner spoke to reporters and appeared visibly confused about promoting legislation that actually helped people. Boehner said "Ummm. We introduced this bill to umm finally bring affordable health care to ummm every man umm woman and umm umm umm child. After umm listening to doctors and other health care workers and looking at um how Singler Payer had resulted in better um health care in every industrialized country on the face of the um earth, it became um clear that since the Democrat party was only going to introduce weak, compromised reform legislation that further entrenched corporate interests. We Republicans realized that if we didn't step forward then the health of all Americans would um suffer um."

Boehner then suddenly pitched forward and screamed "It was Rove's idea, yo!" before tumbling down a long flight of concrete stairs to the amusement of everyone.

Karl Rove, hiding behind a nearby trash can, issued the following statement: "Let's face facts; all the real lobbying money on health care reform is going to the Democrats. So, we've got nothing to lose there. Barack Obama has already made a point to say he's opposed to Single Payer every chance he gets, so we've got that 'do the opposite of whatever Obama says' thing. And most importantly, it appeals to my sense of fun. The Republicans are introducing a workable, complete Single Payer health care bill. No tricks - this is the Single Payer bill America has needed for decades. Of course it has no chance of passing so it's like that scene in Animal House where they drove the Deathmobile through the parade. Pundits will be running through the streets screaming and clutching at their clothes. There will be looting. I will dress like a pirate, clutch Sarah Palin in my arms and swing from a rooftop."

Rove then disappeared in a puff of orange smoke, leaving only the sound of his laughter and the faint smell of almonds.