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John Edwards Thanks "Papa" John Phillips For Making Edwards Look "Comparatively Okay!"

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HIDING IN THE GUEST HOUSE, NORTH CAROLINA : Former Presidential candidate, former Vice Presidential running mate, former Senator and former decent human being John Edwards issued a statement thanking 'Mamas and the Papas' founder "Papa" John Phillips.

Over this past weekend, Edwards was the subject of a New York Times piece and then a cover story on The Huffington Post that included details such as promising his mistress Rielle Hunter a rooftop wedding after the death of his wife Elizabeth Edwards. Monday night, Edwards was the subject of a long segment on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 that included details such as Rielle Hunter's nickname for Edwards : 'love lips'.

Edwards said that midday Tuesday, however, things started 'to look up' as details came out about "Papa" John Phillips, who is currently living in a vast lake of flaming feces while snakes gnaw on his testicles for all eternity.

"I completely condemn the unspeakable and impossible to comprehend evil that John Phillips visited on his own family," said Edwards, adding "But I'm also smart enough to know how the news cycle works and hot damn, I dodged a bullet. So since nobody is paying attention to Papa John Edwards this week let me say - yes, baby whatsername is mine. Yes, I slept with Rielle the very first night we met. Yes, a campaign worker walked in on Rielle and I while we were in shower once. And yes, I had other affairs prior to Rielle. But I urge you to watch Oprah this week and you'll seen how innocent all that junk suddenly seems."

Normally reserved reporters began hurling rotten vegetables at Edwards, who pursed his lips and stood safely behind a three inch thick piece of plexiglass and a barbed wire setup reminiscent of the country and western bar scene in the film The Blues Brothers.

Asking if such a cynical and disgusting statement by John Edwards was possible even in a fictional article, Edwards then showed the stunned crowd of reporters that he actually had a video of him receiving The Father Of The Year Award on an out of town trip about nine months before the Edwards / Hunter baby was born - still posted on his official campaign YouTube channel. For reals.

Edwards smiled and said, "Look, if I have the balls to currently have a video up for the world to see of me getting a Father Of The Year award on the same trip I probably knocked Rielle up on behind my cancer stricken wife's back...well sir, tell me what moral compunctions you think I have that would keep me from being thrilled that an even bigger chum bucket than me is gonna steal all the headlines the same week I'm getting ready to finally come clean? Oprah giveth and Oprah taketh away, baby."

The alleged 'chum bucket' Phillips could not be reached for immediate comment because his tongue was swollen thick with thousands of maggots and he was being forced to lie face down in Hitler's ass but a spokesperson pointed out that Mackenzie Phillips had made more positive statements about her father recently than Elizabeth Edwards had made about her husband.