Kucinich Too Boring? Steve Jobs Presents iPeachment 08!

When he introduced articles of impeachment against President George W. Bush last night on the floor of House of Representatives, Dennis Kucinich may have been many things -- brave, idealistic, and thorough -- but he was also wicked boring.

I'm talking to you, D-Man. Yes, you pointed out all the ways that the Bush administration has trampled on the constitution but where's the sizzle, Dennis? Where's the catch phrase? (Suggestion: "Impeach THIS!") Where were the Abu Ghraib Dancers? Couldn't you at least get your wife on camera in the background pretending to listen to you while sitting next to a shirtless Matthew McConaughey? (And really -- is there any other kind of Matthew McConaughey?)

Nope. We get five hours of Dennis Kucinich on C-SPAN turning pages and drinking water late at night. It was the dullest representation of America's slow slide in fascism since that Upton Sinclair Lewis book that the hip teacher who listened to the Beatles and smelled like stale weed tried to make us read in high school.

Contrast that to another speech the same day that acted like Nerd Viagra -- Steve Job's announcement of the new 3G iPhone. Across the Geekasphere, sites like Twitter and TechCrunch and Engadget blew their fuses as each new feature was announced. That's what you needed, Dennis. Here's my advice.

Have Steve Jobs introduce iPeachment 08.

You and Jobs have stuff in common. Like you, Jobs is on some suspicious vegan diet and on stage yesterday he looked thinner than the new iPhone. Unlike you, Jobs knows how to work a crowd. Visuals. Pacing. It's marketing, Dennis.

You had thirty-five articles of impeachment. Way too many. Reduce it to ten impeachable offenses and make one of them compatibility with iTunes. Give each article a colorful icon.

Reduce the cost of iPeachement 08. Previously, Bush would have been kicked out of office for his numerous offenses against the nation. Now, we'll make him go back on Deal Or No Deal. No, wait -- that's an NBC show so it's not on iTunes. We need a Disney show. Maybe put him on Wife Swap and make him shack up with Michelle Obama for a week. There will be fist bumping a'plenty after a bleary eyed W calls Michelle "Condi" over the breakfast table!

And be sure to have Jobs point out that just like the unconstitutional wiretapping of Americans, iPeachment 08 is also brought to you in partnership with AT&T.

Follow Lee Stranahan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Stranahan

Comments

[Roaming]

I might find this story amusing if not for the lack of coverage the event has gotten, including at Huffiginton Post. Why is it not the lead story, with a banner headline? While no listing of the 35 offenses, let alone the entire text? This article helps to bolster the mainstream attitude of not taking Kucinich seriously, while this publication has not done enough to show the seriousness of the event and the gravity of the reasons for it.

[Dolphyn]

Indeed ... the listing and complete text are available here:
http://www.afterdowningstreet.org/bush

[bmora]

Yeah, he could have done jazz hands or jingled his shiny car keys.

[jhNY]

At the heart of this article and devoid of all irony is the notion that what impeachment needs is a better huckster than little Dennis, the Elf of the House-- a more savvy marketeer, a more voluptuous spokesmodel, a bigger product roll-out with a generous gift basket for all attendees.

Wrong. What the republic needs is a better crop of citizens. Patriots. Not of America(TM), but patriots of the Constitution, only now nearly nobody knows what it says or how entirely it's been eviscerated.

Turns out that the great social experiment involving television and now the internets was a total disaster, and now roaming the land instead of an informed citizenry is a big-gulp-swilling gaggle of impulsive, empty-hearted sensationalists, and few among them can sit still long enough to read anything bigger than the palm of their own hand unless it's a cheat manual for a video game involving the killing of anybody in their virtual way. Pretty sorry pack to project hope onto as regards the saving of the republic, which of course is also only virtual at this point, the actual republic having been carted off in little bits by corporatists with the heavy lifting being done by their tireless enablers in Congress.

Kucinich did a brave thing for a citizenry and a media that will not listen, much less report on, what he said and why. Too long. Bo-o-o-oring. Where's Britney? Look a squirell is water skiing!

[DuPageDem]

You've nailed it. And one of the biggest disappointments is the blogosphere. If so-called progressives spent as much energy assailing BushCo as they did "fringe nutjobs" like Dennis and Ralph, maybe there'd be a Left still left to fight for.

[thromulese]

.Amen. jhNY. Yours is the most insightful statement here.

The enablers in congress need to be disabled by moving them to the unemployment line. That would include (all the republiCONs) and tools like Pelosi, Reid, Schumer, and all the other spineless dems in the congress.

And the MSM, words escape me. The adjectives that accurately describe them come in an avalanche and none seem vile enough.

[jravae]

Very well put.

[westwind]

It's sad that lawbreaking by elected officials has to be highlighted by razzamatazz and marketing for anyone to notice, much less have any action taken.

The average citizen is sent to trial based on the evidence, and no op-eds, petition drives or press conferences are needed - if the evidence is there, the law takes its course.

Elected officials appear to exist in an alternate universe, where, despite overwhelming evidence, they can escape justice as long as they can maintain the support of the media and thereby the prevailing conventional wisdom. This is largely because congress has its priorities backwards, putting party and incumbency above the interests of the people they were elected to represent.

If the rest of Congress took their jobs as seriously as Dennis Kucinich, officials that commit crimes would be tried and convicted as surely as the street corner drug dealer.

[tigerbeat]

that should be in an earnest way.

[nirek]

This story is an insult to a GREAT American doing his sworn duty. All elected officials are sworn to uphold the Constitution and have failed miserably with the one exception of Dennis Kucinich. Why would anybody make fun of him doing his duty to our country?

[Karoli]

Nirek, you missed the point. This doesn't poke fun at Kucinich, it takes a real hit on the news-consuming public alongside the idiotic editors, who haven't bothered to even report this, much less lead off their broadcasts with it. It's STUNNING to me that articles of impeachment can be read into the record by Kucinich and yet there's not a breath of reportage of it on the broadcasts news that reaches Ma and Pa sitting in their chairs thinking Fox News is the authority on all that's holy in our government.

Completely astonishing.

Maybe if we spoon-feed it in soundbites someone will finally GET IT.

[RobertArend]

The only cable news program that would likely give this attention would be Countdown on MSNBC. Olberman should have Kucinich on tonight for the full hour as he did with McClellan.

[tigerbeat]

Umm, have you heard of irony?

Even Kucinich gets it (though in an ironic way).

The biggest problem, like the 3G iPhone, is Dennis introduced his product (ironic
use here, ok?) far too late.

Even if impeachment had congressional support, Bush would be out of office by the time proceedings began.

[fletc3her]

I don't see this story as an insult so much as I see the fact that the real story isn't on the cover of every (any?) newspaper this morning.