Senator McCain, thanks for bringing the circus to town. You've already knocked Obama so far out of the news cycle that he now seems to have all the sizzle of Joe Biden. Tomorrow is the big finale of Republican National Convention, you've got Obama on the ropes and now it's time to go all Mortal Kombat and FINISH HIM!
You can top OWhatsHisName once and for all with a convention closing night that has more spectacle, surprises, laughs, tears, thrills, chills and spills than all those whippersnappers in the streets can throw a urine filled Molotov Cocktail at - here's how...
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are the American Charles and Diana except without the silly accents, pompous clothes, tightass manners and divine right of kings. You must sense this, Senator McCain -- you have welcomed them to the RNC with open arms and public photo ops. Some politicians would have kept them out of the spotlight out of a misguided sense of decency but you're showing them all the honor and respect that f#ckin' redneck hockey playin' ass kickin' fun-icatin' teenagers deserve.
Your campaign has admitted this campaign isn't about issues...it's time to make it about tissues.
Night Four, The RNC. The Wedding Of The Century.
Stadium goes black. A low C sharp from a Moog drones in the darkness and spotlights start swirling like the opening of 1990s Chicago Bulls game.
One red light pierces the night and fixes on the stage. The Free Credit Report Dot Com dude lip syncs the Marvin Gaye version of the national anthem while Vietnam Vets in camouflage do a surprisingly somber Radio City kickline behind him. Then, darkness.
The boom of an explosion as a steel cage drops from the ceiling and you -- John Effin' McCain -- bound onto the stage flanked by more pyro than a Gene Simmons fever dream. Minneapolis goes crazy when they hear the speakers start to blast Prince's Let's Go Crazy.
Then the Purple One is on stage next to you and the crowds gasps seeing that Prince is really in the house at the RNC because....ya know, he's not old and white. You grin and wave and pump your fist and do a couple of air guitar licks during his solo and then the suddenly - darkness and silence again.
Then Prince's voice...
"Dearly beloved...we are gathered here together in this thing called life...electric word, life...it means forever and that's younger than McCain..."
Two explosions - boom and BOOM - and there are Levi and Bristol, beaming onstage. The Palin family walks slowly out of the dry ice. Prince plays the opening to If I Was Your Girlfriend and Pastor Rick Warren drops from the sky along with Larry The Cable Guy to conduct the ceremony.
There's the bride and the groom and and you're the Best Man, Senator McCain. Fred Thompson and Joe Lieberman both make speeches telling us that you're the best man to further emphasize the point.
But we all KNOW you're best man, Senator McCain. Thank you for introducing us to this wonderful cast of characters. You can pick 'em! Thanks for helping us forget the horrible policies you support and making politics just messy goofy sloppy FUN again. Thank you, good night, and may God Help America!