Researchers Discover Neurological Cause Of Republicanism But Cure Is Years Away

Great Barrington, Mass -- The Obama administration's commitment to science already seems to paying dividends as researchers in the medical school at Simon's Rock College have made what they call a "major breakthrough" in discovering the neurological disorder that leads to becoming an influential Republican.

Although scientists have debated theories for years about the potential causes for Republicanism (also known as Terminal Conservativism) it's only been in recent weeks that they were able to determine the specific areas of the brain that lead to the condition, which has been nearly fatal to the United States. Despite the new findings, researchers are quick to point out that a cure is potentially decades away and that the current strain of Republicanism has mutated into a highly resistant and unpredictable disorder. They point to a recent case in New York where an outbreak was caused by a bizarre combination of marriage and military service, as well as the tragic case of the entire state of California, which is currently on life support.

Still, researchers seem confident that by finding the exact region of the human brain that leads to becoming an important and respected member of the Republican party that it will be possible to isolate and ultimately eradicate the condition. Lead Researcher Biff Stoller told reporters, "We have developed such specific data about the areas in the brain that cause GOP that we think it's only a matter of time before we start poking at it with a knitting needle. Seriously, we can't wait for that part."

So where is Republicanism? Researchers say it's in lower right cortex, between the lobes that cause you to feel awesome while driving drunk on the wrong side of a Texas freeway with a transvestite prostitute in the passenger seat of your Lincoln Navigator and the part of your brain that causes you to feel shame for sneaking into your sister's room at 2am and stuffing her panties in your mouth while suffocating her baby kitten to death with a pillow your Mom embroidered with the Ten Commandments.

Stoller explains, "This general neurological region that allows one to feel a false sense of superiority, a blind and seemingly endless pit of rage, a numbing religious guilt, barely suppressed sexual desire, and the complete lack of ability to appreciate the long terms consequences of one's own actions is area that we discovered to be exceptionally well developed in all important Republicans we've studied. Not only that, it starts throbbing like crazy even when seemingly healthy people are exposed to Republican ideas for very long."

As an example, Stoller showed a chart of a Rhode Island man who was repeatedly given expose to doses of Sean Hannity. A noticeable ridge was visible along the bottom right section of the man's brain. Stoller pointed out the sections above and below the ridge. "This section here is what makes you want to sucker punch a gymnast from the Special Olympics. And down there is the part of the human brain that decides to experiment early one Sunday morning by seeing how many pretzel sticks would fit into one's own rectum. That area in between -- that's Sean Hannity."

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Comments

[Siebenstein]

Its actually not difficult to locate. According to psychological research Republicanism is located in the Frontal Lobes. Why? Well, the Fontal Lobes are the areas that produce intellectual reasoning. So, there you have it. If that area is underdeveloped, one tends to become a Republican, and in severe cases a White Supremacist. When , during confusing times such as the period we live in, people with underdeveloped Frontal Lobes try to make sense of ongoing events, they "reason" by activating their primitive senses, leading to nonsense talk, verbal attacks, or sometimes by taking out their beloved guns and blowing someones head away. As you can see, high Frontal Lobe functioning is really important.

[tangled web]

You may think this is a joke, but I've been aware of the reality of this for years. My son was diagnosed with frontal lobe epilepsy after a frightening several years journey wherein he went from an intelligent, sweet, thoughtful, kind young boy to an angry, ultra-conservative racist bordering on skin-head adolescent. We called him "The Werewolf" due to the almost overnight change in him, which we later found was due to a concussion he suffered, which created seizure activity in his frontal lobe. Once he was properly diagnosed and medicated with an anticonvulsant commonly used to treat epilepsy, all of his symptoms disappeared and he became once again the good and loving person we knew him to be. He is now seizure free, and not coincidentally, politically liberal and voted for Obama! I used to try to talk to people about my theory that Republicans were brain damaged, but no one took me seriously. You decide.

[larry278]

Islamic justice came upon the cure for Republicanism centuries ago. Beheading will cure all symptoms of Republicanism even in DINOs, neo-cons, radical, reactionary conservatives & other creatures who have any symptom of Republicanism.

[Pitt74]

Amazingly, its the same neurologic condition that causes one to want to be a productive member of society and keep their mouths shut while idiots pontificate

[Gomorrhan]

As a Simon's Rock alumnus, I'd just like to thank the fine people at the SR Institute for Neurorepublicology for all their hard work.

For years, people have ranted and raved against Republicans as though they were just ideologues, when it turns out that they are simply politically challenged.

I'm hoping that soon there will be a treatment in the offing!

[ZIRGAR]

Brilliant, Lee! But was there a control group, say baboons or rats or more closely related genetically, lizards?

[elbzee]

At last, we know! Modern medical science at its best!!!