Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 1, Episode 14 of Fox's "The Mindy Project," titled "Harry & Mindy."
When you're in a relationship, Valentine's Day means candlelit dinners, heart-shaped cookies and a dozen roses. When you're Mindy, it means watching "Sleepless In Seattle" alone for the 200th time.
But on Tuesday night's episode of "The Mindy Project," titled "Harry & Mindy," Mindy is kind of excited for V-Day. She's been on a couple dates with the adorable Latin teacher Jamie (B.J. Novak), And despite his too-close-for-comfort relationship with his best friend Lucy, Mindy has high hopes for their budding relationship.
Danny, on the other hand, isn't doing so well. Still reeling from his breakup with Eye Patch, Mindy finds him asleep on the floor of his office without pants. Luckily, she has the perfect girl to cheer Danny up: Lucy, of Jamie and Lucy, who's totally cool and owns a motor scooter. After much begging and pleading, Danny finally agrees to a Valentine's Day double date.
Their date gets off to a rough start when Danny spots a fish that Eye Patch studied as an Oceanographer. But once Jamie agrees to switch seats with him (he can't spend the entire night looking at something that reminds him of Eye Patch), Danny immediately hits it off with Lucy.
Mindy is thrilled with her matchmaking skills, but Jamie isn't quite as pleased. After telling Lucy and Danny that he feels excluded from their conversation, he begins choking on a fish bone and runs outside to hurl himself against a parking meter in hopes of dislodging it.
Ever the savior, Mindy performs the Heimlich Maneuver on Jamie and saves his life. Post-choking incident, Jamie whisks Mindy off to the Empire State Building for a romantic view of Manhattan in hopes of turning her Valentine's Day around.
But while they're standing in line to buy tickets, Mindy flat-out asks Jamie if he's in love with Lucy. To the surprise of no one, he is. And he wants to tell everyone! He wants to scream it from the top of the Empire State Building, a la "When Harry Met Sally"!
Not one to pass up a romantic moment, Mindy accompanies Jamie in his quest to find Lucy. Although he discovers her necking with Danny, that doesn't stop Jaime from divulging his true feelings for Lucy. Instead of embarrassing himself (which is what would probably happen if Danny or Mindy were in such a situation), Lucy tells Danny she's been "dreaming about this for 15 years" and the two engage in a romantic comedy-worthy kiss.
So it's not Jamie and Mindy after all -- it's Jamie and Lucy. It may not have been her best Valentine's Day, but at least Mindy helped two soulmates realize their love for each other and has Danny to share a slice of pizza with. Not too shabby!
Now, on to a few dialogue highlights from Tuesday's episode of "The Mindy Project."
Mindy, when she finds Danny asleep on the floor: "Put some pants on! I can see the outline of your penis!"
Mindy, after kicking Lucy and Danny under the table: "I think maybe we should move tables. Or we could stop talking about exes and maybe the kicking will stop!"
Mindy, when Danny and Lucy start hitting it off: "Jamie, I don't want to jinx this, but I think Match dot Mindy might have another success story."
Mindy, when Danny reminds her he set her up with Rinaldo: "Your garbage man? He was smokin' hot, but he was a little pretentious. A little bit too well-read, if I may say that."
Morgan, to a girl he's hitting on: "It's funny that you work in a morgue because my name is Morgan."
Morgan to Jeremy, when he gets dumped: "I'm going to pick up three or four calzones and crawl into bed. Who am I kidding? It's gonna be four."
Arguably offensive lines:
Mindy, to Empire State Building security guard: "It's cool if you're into me. Kevin Garnett once bought me a coke at a P.F. Changs."
Mindy, when Jamie says he had fun on their MOMA date: "I love modern art museums. I feel like they're less intimidating because I think I could do the art."
Mindy, when she finds Danny writing a note at his desk: "Danny, tear up that suicide note. I have great news."
Mindy, when Danny asks how he would grow a mustache overnight: "I don't know, I'm not Italian."
Mindy to Danny: "I think I'm gonna get a tattoo. A little butterfly on the nape of my neck, and it'll signify that I'm a free spirit."
Mindy, when Jamie takes her to the Empire State Building: "Last year the guy I was with took me to an Indian casino and I lost 2,000 dollars."
Out of context and amazing one-liners:
"When I lie on the floor, it is adorable and tragic; when you lie on the floor, you look like an upside down ladybug."
"I know that Eye Patch dumped you, but you can't just spend the night in your office drunk, playing weird Bruce Springsteen songs on your tiny piano."
"I would love to meet a cool guy, except that all the guys I meet are either 19-year-old murderers or 80-year-old judges."
"You're going to love this one. She's pretty, she's smart, and she owns a motor scooter."
"To show my gratitude for this kindness, we can watch any city of 'Real Housewives.'"
"Please let me Heimlich you. I'm not gonna let you die in this weird restaurant, Jamie!"
"Who told you the Empire State Building was romantic? Some post card at an airport gift shop? Some dumb movie with Tom Hanks where he's hugging in the rain and there's no umbrellas?"
"The Mindy Project" airs on Tuesdays at 9:30 p.m. EST on Fox.