Forget all the guys in Bernie Madoff masks and tutus. If you want to see something really scary on Halloween, come to my apartment around 9 p.m.I'm letting my kids eat unwrapped candy.

They can eat any homemade goodies they get, too, and that unholy of unholies: candy where the...

Let's hear it for Death Panels.

That's the gruesome name Sarah Palin gave to the idea that medical professionals should be paid for the time they spend talking with patients about their options when they - the patients -- are very sick.

In reality, the health care bill included nothing...

Item: The man in the Facebook photographs seems like your average guy having a little fun. Here he is in a festive scene at a park, gamely wearing a red fleece and a Santa Claus hat. Here he is again, playing Frisbee on the beach... Oops. It turns out that...

Note to White House budget chief Peter Orszag: You are completely, dangerously deluded.

Not about the economy! (Or maybe you are, I can't say.) But you are definitely deluded about your job as a parent. And so are a bunch of your buddies.

A recent article...

Sometimes, when I try to explain how frenzied we have become about the real but extremely rare crime of childhood abduction, or of rampant pedophilia in general, I compare our era to 1692 Salem. There was no way, back then, back there, to convince the average person: Don't you see...

*No more balcony envy.

*Senegalese umbrella guys pooling profits to buy GM building.

*Camp children weaving entire villages out of lanyard.

*Times Square tourists hogging fewer chairs.

*Easy excuse not to invite anyone to Hamptons.

*Especially if you don't own...

10 AM. In an hour my younger son graduates from grammar school, PS 116. He's the "boy who took the subway by himself" last year and made headlines worldwide, but last night he was just a boy desperately poking me at about 3 AM, trying not to wake his father...

One Sunday morning about two weeks ago, the phone rang.

"Lenore?"

"Yes."

"My name is Irving." I didn't catch his last name. Shipolsky or something. "I live in Bayside, Queens and I'm 90 years old."

Cool. Mazel tov! But...what's up?

"I just called to tell you about the first time...

Organic? Whole wheat? Whole Foods? Who cares?

A lot of us. But maybe we shouldn't. Or at least, maybe we shouldn't burden our kids with all our nutritional correctness.

When my older son (now 12) was in kindergarten, he came home with a keen interest in cans. Not to build...

Sing 'em and weep!

The Secretary of State Girl (to, "The Little Drummer Boy")

Come they told me pa rum pum pum pum
The prez elect to see pa rum pum pum pum
He ran a perfect race pa rum pum pum pum
That's...

"Why does everyone keep using the word, 'grace?'" my 12-year-old asked as we watched the election night unfold. John McCain had just given his concession speech and everyone from the anchors to the pundits agreed there was only one word for what the man showed: grace.
It sounded like...

As in the rest of the world, these are not such sunny days on Sesame Street. Bert is furious that Ernie insisted they finally buy their place in 2005 -- at what turned out to be the peak of the market. The Cookie Monster has been hit hard by rising...

If you've ever wondered what it's like to be at the epicenter of a media storm - one that has labeled you an irresponsible parent (at best) -- let me tell you:

A lot of creeps find your e-mail.

Last week I wrote a column for...