More From America's Worst Mom: 9-Year-Old On The Subway, Continued
If you've ever wondered what it's like to be at the epicenter of a media storm - one that has labeled you an irresponsible parent (at best) -- let me tell you:
A lot of creeps find your e-mail.
Last week I wrote a column for my newspaper, The New York Sun, titled, "Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride The Subway." It basically said that I let him do this because he wanted to take a trip solo, he knew how to read the map, and I had every confidence that he could find his way home.
Two days later, said son and I found ourselves on the Today Show, MSNBC and FoxNews, trying to convince anchor after anchor after anchor that:
1) This was not a crazy idea - as they could see from the fact the kid was sitting there, grinning. And
2) I am not a crazy mom, as they could see from...
Well, that's the point. Not all of them could see. The mere fact that I'd let my son out of my sight made me seem nuts to more than a few people, who wondered why didn't I follow him, or keep checking in with a cell phone, or wait until he was 34 and balding before I let him go out on his own.
A poll on the NBC website asked whether any other viewers would let their kids do this amazingly dangerous thing - a thing that was normal behavior just a generation ago, when kids were allowed out the door without a security detail -- and 51% said no. Another 20% were on the fence. That left about a third on my side.
Wow. Remember back in the '70s (I'm sure you don't, you young web thing, you), when Soviet dissidents were thrown into insane asylums? They were protesting the Communist State and the rationale against them was: Since they couldn't possibly bring down the great and glorious USSR, they must be completely insane to even try.
I was beginning to feel like one of those dissidents.
My vision of the world, especially childrearing, turns out to be starkly at odds with the mainstream one, which believes that the world (especially New York) is chock-a-block with extras from "Saw III."
In a world like that, the idea of letting a child ride a bike, or hop on public transportation before, say, age 12, becomes "irresponsible," bordering on criminal. What's considered sane, meantime, is for us to guard our kids as if we've just heard of a prison break.
Which, in a way, we have. Turn on the TV most any day and you will hear something so scary that...you keep the TV turned on. That's the point. TV scares you so you'll stay tuned in. Then you're too scared to go out. So you stay home. You watch more TV and guess what? Something horrible happened somewhere, details at 11!
Okay, so it happened several time zones away and the station has been flogging this same awful story for three months. Does it occur to most viewers that a crime like this must be pretty rare, if the station has to talk about one as far away as, say, Portugal? Or Aruba?
No! The details are so wrenching that now you're NEVER going out and if your child wants to - forget it!
I met a guy at a party last week who makes his daughter phone home after walking one block to her friend's house. And he's in a suburb. The leafy kind! Two parents told me they won't let their kids walk to the mail box. There's too much "opportunity" for them to get snatched. Other parents told me that they'd love to let their kids start going out on their own - at maybe 13, or 14. Until then...
In they stay. Or they're driven around by their parents.
The fact that a child is literally forty times more likely to die in a car accident than at a stranger's hands makes no difference. Driving is seen as safe. Freedom - once a right of childhood -- is seen as suicidal.
I could go on and on about how safe New York City is (136th in crime among all large U.S. cities). And I could say that what my son did is something a whole lot of other city kids do daily, their mothers are just smart enough not to write about it. I could even add that, believe it or not, I'm a safety fanatic when it comes to helmets and seatbelts. And, of course, I could -- and will -- put in a plug for my new blog, Free Range Kids, a haven for folks who want to give their kids a longer leash.
But here's what I've learned from all the folks who don't want to do that, and send bile-filled notes instead: For some reason we live in a society that sees little difference between letting a child frolic in the front yard and letting a child frolic in front of a firing squad. It's impossible for people to calculate the difference between real and remote risks.
The dissident in me is now ready to start talking about something else, because it's no fun to be treated as insane by society when you're not.
Actually, it's probably no fun to be treated as insane even when you are. But that's for another day. Meantime, stay safe (enough).
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The reason you got so much heat is because of the "helicopter parent" syndrome. Heck we have adult children whose parents call their supervisors if they get a bad work performance review. They dare not let their kids take a subway alone. These are the same parents who give their kids unlimited and unsupervised access to the internet. You would think in all their wisdom they would know that the pervert in the bushes is actual Johnnyboy13 on Myspace!
Good for you! The media has us all scared of our own shadows. I might not have been quite as gutsy as you when my daughter was 9 . . . I didn't let her walk the six blocks to the neighborhood park by herself until she was 12. And I still got flak for it!
Rock on, girlfriend. I let my kids ride their bikes uptown!
It is just a right of passage for a New York City kid. We all did that and right around the same age. My first ride was on the late and still lamented 3rd Ave el. (I tell any more and my age will be, you know..)
Too much TV. I can't even trust the Weather Channel, although it's hard to resist tuning in before I go out. Problem is, I'm always hot under all mylayers of foul-weather gear, carryng an umbrella I don't need and fearful of the irreducible unknown. That's because the most basic message of TV is: stay home! Watch me! The world is a scary dangerous evil place filled with criminals, you jnow, the sort of frightening folks you see all over TV!
You are a great mom. Your son will be a strong, smart, resurceful guy who can take care of himself.
Many other kids will be so sheltered and paranoid, their lives will be dull and uneventful.
I thought most kids in NYC caught the bus or rode the subway without their parents. That certainly is the case here in DC where most kids walk to school or take public transporta
a lot of those kids with all the freedom in the 70s are still dealing with buried feelings of insecurity, abandonment and fear--which probably accounts for all the angry emails you've been getting-- you're now everybody's surrogate mom!
who's to judge, It all depends on the kid, but it's probably more damaging to make your kid a mascot for your new website and drag him around on your press junkets.
As opposed to the kids of the 60s, and 50s, and 40s, and 30s, and 20s, and 10s, etc..... Kids have ALWAYS been allowed to go out and explore. It's only been in the last 20-30 years that people have become so fearful that they keep their kids practically locked up for fear that SOMETHING might happen to them!
When I was a kid back in the 70s my mom let my brother and I roam the town with zero supervision, zero cell phones, no monitoring. We went anywhere and everywhere, into the markets, to the beach, through all the neighborhoods, exploring, both together with friends, and each by himself. And we were living in a foreign country thousands of miles from the USA. Thank god she gave us that freedom. NOTE TO PARENTS: without freedom to explore, children do not have the chance to develop free will and to individuate - free the children!!!!!
I went to a store six blocks from home as many as three times a day for eggs, milk, etc. when I was FOUR years old. When my shy, seven-year-ord sister was with me she would push me ahead to ask the clerk for help. I'm never afraid to ask for help from strangers, and they almost always come through.
So sad. I fell for you. I was a latch-key kis growing up in brooklyn in the 70's, went to a private school while my parents worked two jobs each coming from Jamaica (The country). Took three buses to get home from school....
Oh please folks you are getting too excited over nothing.
Jeez I remember when I used to walk HOME ALONE to/from kindergarten all the time.
Rode the bike to elementary school UNESCORTED BY PARENTS.
Give kids a little credit, if you inform and teach them of the realities, they will probably do okay.
Hey look at the kind in "Home Alone' he was resourceful and survived.
I'd be more worried about the 3rd graders that planned the stabbing of their teacher.
I did the same thing. I rode my bike to work. And when I was 12 my parents let me take the train to New York city and then the subway to the orthodontist. They took me the first couple of times so I could see how to go, which subway stops to take, how to get from Grand Central Station to the Green Line station, etc.
I didn't die or become the victim of muggers or fall onto the tracks.
When we were children our parents let us play all over town. On Halloween we traveled 2 miles by ourselves in search of candy each year and came back . . . with two small shopping bags full of candy and nothing more dangerous happened than we got too much sugar.
And I seriously doubt that my old home town is more dangerous now than it was then.
What's changed is an entire generation having been brought up watching the local news, which emphasizes nothing but crime stories. SCARY!
The fool below who thinks it "irresponsible" to let children BE children and take some responsibility is apparently part of the majority these days. But, that doesn't make it right.
Contrary to popular opinion on the news there aren't sexual predators lurking around every corner!
Yup and I was often that little shopper who mom gave money to buy those forgotten items at the grocery store, or parents gave us money to go to the movie theater matinees via a good bike ride.
Nice try, Lady.
While you make those of us who disapprove of your decision sound like over-protective neurotics, the truth is, that a 9 year old travelling alone is FAR MORE likely to attract the wrong kind of attention (from perps, predators and general creeps of this world), they are FAR MORE likely to not have good problem solving skills if/when the train breaks down or they get hassled by strangers. A 9 year old may be able to navagate a safe city under the best circumstances; however, there are too many variables (even fairly benign ones) that a 9 year old cannot anticipate and respond to maturely. I'm surprised that you don't know that.
While it is wholly inappropriate for the nuts of this world to harass you, it is equally inappropriate for you to try and play off the mass outrage as helicopter parenting.
I'm very glad nothing happened to your son. Now, shame on you for being so cavalier with his safety.
Granted, I don't live in New York, but a suburb of Chicago. However, the threats that you are listing are somewhere on the order of the likelihood of a plane crashing right on top of your head!
I disagree. I actually live in NY, and take the subway every morning. There's no way anything would happen to that kid. There are thousands of people around, and everyone pretty much looks after one another. Calm down people. The trade off of having a neurotic, mal-adjusted, socially ignorant introvert who is scared of everything versus the .000000000
And besides, she's not saying that everyone should do this, just asking everyone who has an opinion about what she should do in regards to HER kid to back off....and they should. There are lots of kids that young whop take the subway to their school every morning. And I mean a lot...
"There's no way anything would happen to that kid. "
Right. And while you're at it, let your kid chat with whoever they want to on the internet. After all, your kid's gotta learn how to communicate with people, right?
Agreed. I used to go out and explore too, but these are NOT the same times as back then. Sending a nine year old out on his own is careless and irresponsible. Could he defend himself? All it takes is one nut job searching for a helpless child. Shame on you for gambling with his safety.
How are these times any different? There've always been psychos out there. There've always been perverts out there. There've always been the people who would kidnap kids out there. The only difference between then and now is that now we let it scare us to death!!!
You are right that its not the same as back then, its SAFER. The crime rate in NYC is the lowest its been since 1963. Parents who did this in the 60', 70's, and 80's sent their kids out into a more dangerous world, not a less dangerous one!
The difference now is that 24 hour cable news broadcasts every tragedy from every corner of the globe into your living room on an endless loop. The events are actually less likely to happen now, just more likely to be publicized.
As others have pointed out, 9-year-olds have negotiated all sorts of complicated circumstances through most of human history. Most of us raised prior to the Reagan era find this hypervigilance more than a little neurotic. As a little boy, I roamed the woods, streets, and byways almost from the time I could walk. I also learned to make my own breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast when I was in the third grade. It's time to set the little butterballs free, don't you think?
It is not the writer who makes you seem like an overprotective neurotic-it is the shaming coup de grace you decided to include at the end of your post. There is no cause for outrage toward this woman. She is making choices with her child that are opportunities for growth. You don't agree-fine, but why so angry?
Skenazy has a right to raise her son in her way. You have a right to raise your children in your way.
I feel the same as you and want my kids to explore.
We did have one scare. A guy tried to lure my son to his car with promises of toys while I was getting some items from the van.
I saw it just in time and the dude to off but he was arrested a few weeks later trying to abduct a little girl.
Really scarey for a while but I am letting him roam more freely lately and he is relaxing.
But I'll bet he now knows not to even consider anything like that!
The maim street media has pushed child abduction to the point of hysteria. Boo! Vote to continue the police state or your children will be snatched.
Lenore, your actions were safer than sending a child to church camp in Texas.
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