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Lenore Skenazy Headshot

The Year in Carols

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Sing 'em and weep!

The Secretary of State Girl (to, "The Little Drummer Boy")

Come they told me pa rum pum pum pum
The prez elect to see pa rum pum pum pum
He ran a perfect race pa rum pum pum pum
That's how he got my place grrrrrrrump-pa-pum pum, beat like a drum, feel like a crumb
But to honor him pa rum pum pum pum
Here I come.

Barack -- yoohoo! Pa rum pum pum pum
I somehow lost to you pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring pa rum pum pum pum
But if your phone should ring a ding-a-ling- dum, at 3 a. um, I'll up and come
Shall I work for you pa rum pum pum pum
Or just stay glum?

Barry nodded pa rum pum pum pum
Michelle and Rahm kept time pa rum pum pum pum
I'll do my best for you pa rum pum pum pum
I'll keep Bill dressed for you! Pa rum pum pum pum, he'll abstain from, anything dumb
Then he smiled at me and gave me my plum
Now he's my chum.

Christmas in Illinois (To, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas")

Buy yourself a senate seat for Christmas
Line forms to the right
I'll be taking bids for it all through the night.

Why not buy a senate seat for Christmas?
Be an effin' elf
Hurry up or I may take the seat myself!

Once again here Illinois
We are good old boys for sure
Stealing things that are near to us
And insisting that we're pure

Who's that fella standing on my doorstep?
Hope his check's a wow.
Hey what's with the handcuffs? Don't you dare touch -- ow!
So much for my merry little Christmas now.

The Recession Song (to, "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas")

It's beginning to look at lot like Doomsday
Everywhere you go
Take a look in at Citibank
As sad as a moldy frank
Without a handout it to Hell would go.

It's beginning to look at a lot like Doomsday
Bailouts by the score
But the saddest of sights to see
Is the sight of Detroit's big three
At the alms house door.

A pair of hopalong boots and a whole lotta loot
Is the wish of a squished GM
Cars that can fly and we'd actually buy
Is the hope of the other men
And mom and dad can hardly wait to own a home again.

It's beginning to look a lot Doomsday
Everywhere you go
Circuit City went to the chair
So did Lehman and Levitz and Bear
So much for each one's brilliant CEO.

It's beginning to look at lot like Doomsday
Gone prosperity!
But look on the side that's bright
If you're cold after Christmas night
You can burn the tree.

Regular Joe the Plumber (To "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Regular Joe the Plumber
Had a giant pail of woes
He didn't have a license
Didn't pay the tax he owes.

All of the other plumbers
Used to get more work than he
Regular Joe the Plumber
Longed to join the bourgeoisie

Then one wacky campaign night
John M. came to say:
Joseph you're so middle class
Won't you come and save my... election hopes.

Then all the talk shows loved him
As they shouted out with glee
Regular Joe's a footnote
In our country's history!
He's a blip in his-tor-y!

Away in a Hotel (to "Greensleeves")

"Whose child is this?" John Edwards asks
As he in unwanted spotlight basks
He's not the prez, he's not the veep
He is just a philandering, two-timing creep.

This, this ex-candidate
Who seemed so bright and seemed to care
He's left with a wrathful mate
And a lot of expensive if good-looking hair.

A-Rod's Kabbalah Holiday (To, "I Have A Little Dreidel")

I have a little dreidel
I don't know how to play
I tried to ask Madonna
She said, "Shut up and pray."

Oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I don't know what to do
I traded good ol' Santa
For chocolate coins and you.

Words From Santa to Hannah Montana (to, "Oh Christmas Tree")

Oh Miley C., oh Miley C.
How are thy photos tarty
You took those pix
With Leibovitz
Who told you they'd be "arty."

She had you wear a smile and flirt
Too bad she skipped a bra and shirt
Oh Miley C., be not Britney!
Please wear your pants to party.

Feliz Brangelina (To, "Feliz Navidad")

Angelina had
Angelina had
Angelina had another baby or two with Brad
I wanna wish them a lot more kiddies
That they have in a lot more cities
Cities filling with itty bitty
Brangelina spawn.

Lskenazy@yahoo.com

Lenore Skenazy is co-author of The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook (Broadway Books). For more Skenazy carols go to Reader's Digest.