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Getting Whitey: Michelle Obama's Secret Negro Agenda
There is a rumor circulating among the right wing tin hat set that a videotape exists of Michelle Obama saying derogatory things about white people. Newsflash: Train a camera on just about any black person long enough and you'll get footage of him/her saying something derogatory about white people. You are, after all, friggin' everywhere! You are frackin' inescapable. (One of you has even crept into my bed and has been there for nearly 17 goddamn years!)
Of course we say nasty things about you. But just as it is with Christians and gays, just because we say nasty things about you doesn't mean we hate you. Good Christians hate the sin and love the sinner. We love white. We just hate whitey.
Michelle and I actually had a conversation about getting whitey at the first annual International Black Get Whitey Conference. It was a wonderful event. All the help was white and everyone treated them really, really badly. There were cupcakes with an image of Farrakhan dribbled on the icing. Delicious! There were twin crackers with mayonnaise sandwiched in-between. Get it?--"mayonnaise sandwich-eatin' crackers." And they were served by... well... right! It was catering gone downright meta. What a hoot!
After Jeremiah Wright's invocation damning white people to hell and a complimentary screening of "Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song," we got down to business. The first (actually, the only) item on the agenda was revenge -- how to pay whitey back. Some of you have obviously been dreading this since the end of Reconstruction. Obama practically has to tattoo the flag on his ass to convince you he's not out to get you. Judging from your behavior, I suppose you've just put yourselves in our shoes and realized that if the roles were reversed, revenge is all you'd think about.
Of course, there were embarrassing choruses of "Kill Whitey" from the gallery, but in the spirit of Martin Luther King, they were quickly silenced. "After all," an afro-sporting Condoleeza Rice admonished, "we are not Republicans, for God's sake." (Oh yes; she's been pretending all along. It IS a wig.)
Of course, we considered reparations, but decided that after eight years of the Bush administration, the US treasury had neither the funds, nor the borrowing power. We considered bringing back affirmative action. White folks just haaaated that. But we didn't want to repeat ourselves. Barack is all about "change." Then Michelle herself devised a most ingenious solution.
We're moving in. In an Obama administration, any black person will have the right to walk into the home of any white person and eat, sleep, drink, and spend the household income to his or her heart's content. You'll wake up, and my tighty whitie-clad ass will be hanging out your fridge 'cause my head'll be in it. You'll shudder and tsk at the injustice, but you will not protest, for denying my right to "get whitey" will be a criminal offense, punishable by the deposition of additional black people into your home. Bitch loud and long enough, and we'll be hangin' out the windows. You won't be able to walk from the bathtub to the sink for Negroes.
That Michelle is a genius. We all celebrated by bumping our knuckles together. It's not a "terrorist fist bump" as Fox News suggested. It's the International Get Whitey Bump. Just make a fist and bump, bump, bump your knuckles against your neighbor's.
You should practice, practice, practice. There will be a test.
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LG,
I asked to be notified whenever you made a post here. I never considered your racial background. I just loved your writings and insights shared. They are always thought provoking.
However, as much as I recognized and appreciated the sarcasm of this 'Michelle' piece, I do worry.
What I'm discovering day by day is the extent to which 'Whitey' don't play that sh-t! Since Obama, they've either lost their sense of humor, or lost their racist mind! It hasn't replaced rac--ism unfortunately, and pointing to it drives people unconscious or defensive.
So please, in the future man, serve up a disclaimer or something. For instance, you might preface your piece with the following; "This essay is intended to stimulate thought and good humor. If you are in any way offended by its' contents -- then you should check your humanity out with the next 'colored' person you see on the elevator!"
"Alobama hit the hammer, high or low!" (Performed by alternately bumping one's fist together!) ; + )
I love this article. It puts the fears of white people in the right context. Their fears are unfounded.
Dude that was so funny!
Great post! I fully expect to see it on Fox anytime now.
" . . . as quoted on HuffPo . . . "
Hysterical......"one of them even sneaked into my bed..." LMAO
hahahahahahahahahahaha.... oh man... this was hilarious !!!! Really enjoyed it !!!!
Thanks, that was fun.
Of course, it's hard to think of more reasonable rationale for the fear evidenced by so many white people who apparently buy into the "he's Islamic" lies just because Obama is different and also seem to believe that a black man given power will react like a loosed hungry lion rather than a human being.
I heard that Michelle persuaded Barack to change the national anthem to "One Nation Under a Groove."
TRU FAX!!!111
Dang, I love P-Funk but in honor of the column how about" Paint the White House Black?
"Shaft Goes to Harvard,"
starring Barack Obama
It's a very small world, Silver Springs, Fort Eustis, two sisters, army brat. Great article, it made me smile.
Col. Wright's son.
I'm not sure what I was expecting when I clicked on this -- then I read the "shared my bed line", started to laugh and continued through the end. ("Yes, it IS a wig!" That's hysterical!)
There will, unfortunately, be some people who will take this seriously -- their loss.
Cmon people... get a sense of humor. Damn funny piece. There needs to be more laughter these days. Thanks for the post
lololol....I was there and really enjoyed the cheese served on CRACKERS lol... Sometimes I just dont get white folks. On one had some fear retaliation, but then refuse to say what sparked retaliation....Can someone tell me what they are so afraid of????
IMHO they are projecting. Especially the clingy, bitter "Gun, God, and Gays" faction.
You know those who believe it is their God-given right to kill a man while protecting their families?
They know if this country treated them as it treated its Black citizens, they would be burning for revenge.....In their limited thinking, they believe everyone would do the same.
The United States has treated black people better than any country on the face of the Earth. I wish people (of all colors) would realize that.
Not sure if this obvious use of satire will be used that way by the right wing. Some of these people are so concrete they may get fearful just reading your article. My thoughts are still out
Yes, that Michelle Obama she's been treated so poorly as a cotton-picking farmhand. Her life has been SOOOO hard!! I think she got 1000 lashes just the other day. That poor woman. And Barry Soetoro, er, Obama. His is a life which has been nothing short of going all the way to the summit of the highest himilayas. First practicing Islamic Tradition in the most populous of Muslim nations. Then moving to the barrio of Hawaii with his destitute Christian White Grandparents as Barry Obama. Now totally confused with his identity he resorts to blowing blunts and rails in an attempt to "find" himself. He does find himself. Now he is Barack Obama. While going to some of the best schools the country has to offer he goes into law. Never ran a law firm let alone practice it and is president of Harvard Law Review. Now "converting" to Christianity after meeting his super-non-jaded wife, Michelle and attending a bastion of tolerance and moderate psychology at the TUCC. Meeting great people of humanity like Louis Farrakhan and Rev Wright. While nodding his head in agreement in the pews of the greatest church the human race has ever been witness to, he decides to run for office. Running for office out of Chicago where politics is played out with "fairness" and "openness" at the forefront of the fight. The rest is history, as they say.
Someone didn't get their nap today.........
See? There's always at least ONE. . .
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