The Joyous Benefits of Having an Enemy

Try this: walk down the street and ask people at random if it is nice to have an enemy. I'll bet that most of them would say 'no' and then look at you as though you were some sort of pervert.

Well, they're wrong, I tell you. I'd say it right there on the sidewalk, and I'm saying it to you now:

Enemyship gets a bad rap.

I've been mulling over this seemingly outlandish assertion for some time now, ever since I first encountered the word 'frenemy.' For those of you unfamiliar with this term, the Urban Dictionary offers the following explanation:

Fren * e * my (fren-uh-mee), noun
Someone who is both friend and enemy, a relationship that is both mutually beneficial and dependent while being competitive, fraught with risk and mistrust.

Now, I really, really hate this notion. Not that I haven't had nascent frenemies of my own -- but being an intolerant, irascible person, I tend to cut those nasty shrubs down at the roots pretty quickly.

There are few things more embittering and cynicism-inspiring than having to watch your back amidst your own tribe, as it were. Plus, the sort of resigned pragmatism that makes frenemy-arrangements possible also breeds self-hatred, arising from the knowledge that you lack the cojones to stand up for yourself.

What a waste.

My advice: stop making teeth-gritting nicey-nicey, pull out your sword, and officially make your frenemy into an enemy.

You'll feel immediately refreshed.

First will come that sort of rush that usually accompanies recycling, or some other sort of do-gooding activity. Ah, the joy of ridding one's life of sticky, insidious insincerity! The glories of independence!

But then, if you're clever, you'll realize that there are other, less pious benefits to having an enemy. In fact, enemyship provides many delightful opportunities for self-improvement!

For example: you'll look better. Well, not automatically, but I guarantee you that you'll make more of an effort with your appearance, lest you run into the Enemy at the store or at a party. If your Enemy sees you sloppily attired with a greasy pony-tail, hung-over bags beneath your eyes: you lose. And you won't want to lose, trust me.

Ambitions will swell within your chest and you'll achieve more than you ever thought possible. You'll have more of an incentive to have those achievements noted in prestigious publications, where the Enemy will be sure to see them and feel piteously shame-faced in comparison.

Your wiles will sharpen and you'll think more strategically. All of those youthful chess lessons will pay off as you connive your way to successful one-uppsmanship against your feeble Enemy.

You will enjoy the classic Bette Davis movies more. Keep a notepad by your side when watching The Little Foxes and Jezebel. That old girl will teach you a thing or two about making short work of your detractors.

You will have greater empathy with important historical figures, and will embody important philosophical standards of being. Who hasn't been defined in terms of their opposite? God versus El Diablo. Scarlett versus Melanie. Krispy Kremes versus bean sprouts. And so on and so forth.

Who knew that in eschewing enemyship, that you were giving up such ripe opportunities for betterment and enlightenment?

I personally was very disappointed when I learned that a frenemy-turned-enemy of mine had moved out of town. For several months, I was looking terribly snazzy at all times, and had my wit sharpened to a fine point. These days, without my Enemy, I'm afraid that I often battle the slovenly malaise so peculiar to writers.

Quel dommage.

I'm sure that there will be naysayers among my readers, who will contend that enemyship is an energy-suck, regardless of the wonderous benefits delineated above.

In return, I say: hogwash.

It's a damned sight more constructive than wallowing in repressed anger and bandaging your back after each stabbing.

 

 

 

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