The Latest Insult to Women: "Settle for Mr. Good-Enough"

It's been a long time since I wanted to jab my eyes out after reading an article, but Lori Gottlieb's creepy offering, "Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" in March's Atlantic had me reaching for the closest pair of scissors.

"Every woman I know - no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure - feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits thirty and finds herself unmarried," she says. "If you say that you're not worried, either you're in denial or you're lying."

She then offers herself up as a piteous example of someone who held out for too long, a fabulous yet overlooked woman who had to resort to artificial insemination once she realized that her saccharine notions of Mr. Right weren't going to develop into a tangible man.

Don't be like me, she says. Lure the closest man into your lair and once he's there, slap on the cuffs. Do it young, before the prospects run thin. So what if he's a serious depressive? Who cares if he's a recovering alcoholic? Don't be so picky.

"Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics," she quips.

Sadly, this is not a feeble comedy routine, premised on the hackneyed portrayal of Woman as Man Trap. It's Gottlieb's universal plan for women to "have the infrastructure in place to have a family." In her view, all heterosexual women "really want a husband (and by extension, a child)." Our purpose on the planet is to breed, and if we deny this fact, we are "being disingenuous." Husbands are really just walking sperm banks. Marriage and love are mutually irrelevant entities.

And what a rosy picture of marriage she paints:

"[It] isn't a passion-fest," she says. "It's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business."

Oh, reader, don't get so upset. It won't be so bad. After all, you'll hardly ever see the guy! He's just the one who will "take out the trash and provide you with a second income that allows you to spend time with your child."

Oh, wait - you're already married? And you're actually in love with your husband? Boy, did you fuck up. According to Gottlieb, you're still destined for misery: "Those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year."

Frankly, I don't know why anyone should heed Gottlieb's glum advice about marriage, considering that she's never actually seen the institution from the inside and didn't even bother to consult one happily married woman - or man - throughout the seemingly endless piece. It's kind of like reading a version of The Devil Wears Prada written by a Vogue subscriber.

Yet it irritates me that such a prestigious publication made the decision to perpetuate the stereotype that the American woman is really just a brain stem attached to a ticking womb.

To test Gottlieb's hypothesis about the ubiquity of marital desperation, I asked a sampling of my contemporaries to read the article and get back to me with impressions. Most of them replied with repulsed ire.

"Wow, what a throw-back," said one. "Even Phyllis Schlafly married for love."

"How dare she speak for us?" said another, who then commented that Gottlieb lost a real opportunity to garner sympathy for the difficulties facing the single working mother.

And, most cruelly: "When you opt into a marriage of convenience solely because you want the material support, especially when you admit to being repulsed by the man -- that's low-grade prostitution legitimized by a marriage certificate."

However, another friend suggested that Gottlieb articulated what many women feel but don't dare admit, and called it "revolutionary."

I'm afraid that I don't see the revolution; I only see the regression. When Gottlieb calls for "settling," she's essentially calling for the return of the arranged marriage. Yes, Ye Olde Arranged Marriage in brand-new clothes, in which husbands and wives are commodities to be matched, bartered, traded.

Except the modern version, a la Gottlieb, is that women are now in charge of commoditizing and peddling themselves.

Now, that's progress.

It never ceases to astonish and dismay me how this generation of American women obsesses over the male psyche and strategizes its way into marriage. Especially when those who obsess over it the most seem to have the grimmest view of what marriage actually entails.

We are supposed to be pursuing happiness, not infrastructure.

When someone takes such a desiccated approach to human relations, it's not difficult to fathom why she has trouble with successful relationships. Hell, I had a difficult time gleaning why she wanted children in the first place. She made childrearing sound as dreadful as marriage, calling it a process that "ages you ten years in ten months."

Consider what Ms. Gottlieb's personal ad might look like:

SWF will condescend to tolerate a subpar, chores-oriented, largely-absentee man to participate in joyless marriage that will resemble a mundane non-profit. Interests include over-analyzing old Friends episodes (from which all insights into the workings of the human heart are derived) and exhausted abstinence ("because how many long-married couples are having much sex anyway?").

That's definitely going to have 'em lining up at the door.

The more I read, the more delusional, destructive, and self-centered the argument appeared. Delusional because no man in his right mind is going to buy into this sort of poisonous, alienated arrangement. Gottlieb repeatedly implores women to search out mediocre mates who would nevertheless make good "daddy material." The question: would men find such a reductive, calculating, and cynical person to be good "mommy material?"

It's additionally delusional because Gottlieb totally underestimates the emotional toll of being in a loveless (or "tepid," as she euphemistically describes it) marriage. As the unhappily-married Lottie says in The Enchanted April: "You'll get colder and colder, until at last you die of it. That's what it's like living with someone who doesn't love you."

The argument is destructive because it advises women to make themselves vulnerable to litigious divorces from "tepid," ill-conceived marriages down the line. Let's try to get that divorce rate above 50%, shall we? A further obvious note: divorce is incredibly expensive, not to mention harrowing for the children manufactured by these unions.

And furthermore, her argument is unfair to the rest of us women who don't want to be reduced to Desperate Housewives-in-the-making. It shreds our credibility across the board: emotionally, professionally, and economically. Gottlieb has created yet another ugly division in a generation of women defined not by solidarity but by Mommy Wars and the Opt-Outs-vs-the-Opts-Ins. It's also selfish and presumptuous to impose this worldview on the next generation of daughters, teaching them by example that marriage is based not on emotional commitment but rather by sheerly "market-driven" forces.

Parents are supposed to want their children to aspire to the best. Would Gottlieb tell her own daughter - as she advises thousands of anonymous female readers -- that fulfillment and happiness are chimeras and therefore not worth pursuing? Instead of telling her, "Reach for the stars," would she say, "Just cut a deal?"

Would she advise her daughter to "sell [her] very soul for damaged goods," as she so nicely phrased it?

Gottlieb does not need a husband. She needs hired help.

And I only wish that she'd hired some before she wrote her latest article, and spared us a glimpse through the window into her depressing world.

Comments

[MinerSam]

She can marry Barak Obama. His wife says he has breath in the morning, and smelly feet. And that she has to tell him to take out the garbage.

[ilouie]

Ms. Blume, I absolutely loved your article, suggested it to my wife (I'm afraid we're happy although I do apologize for that) and agreed with every word. However, you forgot one essential thing: What are all the joyless, uninspired, lifeless men and women whom anti-depressants and 12 Step programs didn't help, supposed to do? They have to marry each other and rationalize it somehow. I mean, a few may romanticize their disappointment and confusion through religious fundamentalism; telling themselves their 'following God's plan,' but the rest will have to buck up, tie the knot and dumb down in America. I mean, there's a reason why fast food is "cuisine" in our country.

[mambomary]

hey, she has the right to her opinion and to write it. Basically, she's saying that Mr. Good Enough is better than nothing, and you can say that about a job. Marriage is a job, get it?

[ManyColored]

On the other side of the water, it turns out that when you finally realize how selfish you have been and how much attention and caring a woman really needs, it's too damn late.

[spjv]

"And furthermore, her argument is unfair to the rest of us women who don't want to be reduced to Desperate Housewives-in-the-making"
That's very true. I'm a fan of Lori Gottlieb typically, but this article really made wonder. It's never a good thing to settle. Who wants Mr. Half-Assed? Certainly not me!

[LordMoon]

Why would anyone want to get married?

If you look at the demographics, the biggest trend is people living alone. A very large percentage of eligible men have no desire to get married and have children.

In fact in 30 years American culture will be gone replaced by fundamentalist christian culture and Roman Cahtolic culture.

Because they are the only one having families, and children.

Since no one really is interested in understanding why, I will not volunteer the details.

It's so much easier to stay inside your confort zone than understand the truth. That this culture has carried out a social war against men for so long now, that' it's managed to destroy it's own future.

And that's why 30 year old women are desperate to find a husband, because they can't find one.

[tbone99]

men don't want to get married because they want the economy can't be counted on and they don't want to be responsible for anyone but themselves.

[mwissot]

The line: ..."perpetuate the stereotype that the American woman is really just a brain stem attached to a ticking womb" is profound beyond. What an amazing way to put it. Love this column.

[tbone99]

Interesting that is was written by a single mom who basically could have gotten the help she was wishing for from a good nanny, or decent pro child gov'nt childcare.No need to became an actress 24/7, faking orgasms and enthusiasm.Face it -monogamy without love is just captivity.
As a mother there were many times I wished to be single so I could bring up my kids the way I wanted without having to constantly negotiate and compromise on things important to me.

Guess the grass is always greener.

[april4president]

Thanks for this hilarious piece, Lesley!

I started reading the article in question, felt a deep abhorrence, put it down and walked away--chalking it up to my own "defectiveness."

I guess not! And I guess I wasn't the only one!

[MerhabaAbi]

After reading this I had to call my wife. Boy did we get lucky. Neither of us had to settle. At least as far as I know, neither of us settled. Oh shit! Does that mean I'm just Mr. Good Enough? Seriously, I was in an even worse situation then absentee provder/handyman. DON'T SETTLE. If you already have, save your own life and leave.

[SouthHouse]

Hi Folks--

This subject always inspires the recollection of popular cliches and bon mots. But here are two that I have found have quite a bit of truth to them. That is because the success we have in finding Mr. or Ms. Right may have a lot to do with how successfully we manage our expectations.

So here they are:

1. The MAXIMUM that you would WANT to do to win the heart of the one you love is the MINIMUM of what you will HAVE to do to keep it.

2. The most common disappointments in relationships are that Men expect Women not to change-- but they do; Women expect Men to change-- but they don't.

Nuggets of wisdom brought back from my travels between Venus and Mars.

[Konnie]

never marry outside of your SPECIES!

that includes social class, education, finances ...........you can also add religion, political bents, racial biases (sp), driving habits, drug and alcohol differences,
even food preferences, and throw mamma in there too.

NEVER SETTLE. EVER! you will come to dispise
even being in the same house, let alone same
room or car................been there/done that.
divorce is expensive - and harms the children more than you will ever know.....being single and not having babies is not a disease or handicap.

[wayoutleft]

another fun time with the girls. but let's put away the toenail polish and return to the obvious explanation for all the anxiety. i.e., most of the single audience for this "relationship" literature doesn't want to get married at all. they want to continue with good jobs in big cities lunching and shopping with their friends on their credit cards. but they're guilty about it. so an industry sprouts furnishing women with excuses for not being married that reside in the easily established excuse of the inadequacy of prospective men. it's really men, not women, that need to understand this. it's tough to keep in mind. in this literature it seems women are talking about themselves; but it is the implicit inadequacy of men that sublimates the guilt over rejecting marriage.

[drblack]

face it: to nature women are wombs and men are womb fertilizers.
This is nature at work.
Nature doesn't care what you do as long as you mindlessly reproduce.
So in one sense this was a correct assessment,
but on the other hand humans(some of them) have brains.
people say dumb things. What do you expect from American media?!

[davedave]

not "mindlessly reproduce."

reproduce sucessfully......quite different, many strategies.

mindlessness is only one of them.

d

[governmentissue]

Marriage and raising children is not all about love. A lot of it is work and requires a partnership that is based on more than love, like the ability to put food on the table and to teach your kids right from wrong.

I do not agree in lowering expectations but I really think more emphasis should be put on having realistic expectations. A ton of the divorces I have seen, have been a result of people going into marriages with Disney like fantacies of love triumphing over all.

Marriage is hard work, not always fun and sometimes really down right disappointing. It can also be truly wonderful and a family can be the most rewarding thing in the world. You gotta take the good with the bad though. Its not stroll in the park. And oh yeah, you will not be having near as much sex as your single years. Sorry if you can't handle that reality.

[loril]

It sounds like you are pointing out the extremism in views that it seems to take to get published these days. Of course I found the views expressed by Ms. Gottlieb depressing and short sighted. On the other hand, I completely agree with your sentiments about the reality of married life.

If you are considering who you will live with for the rest of your life, have children with and entrust much of your well being with over the long term, it must be a pragmatic decision as well as a sentimental one.

Certainly, you must be attracted to your future spouse and surely you must feel a special connection with them. But, often it is easy to be very attracted to people who are not right for you...or even harmful. Lust and ideas of romantic love need to be tempered with other considerations.

Those who have made marriage work over the long term realize that the married state is an ever changing and evolving condition. Working together as a team does become the most important task...and marriage does take work.

I have a daughter and I would never want her to "settle". However, I will also counsel her not to rush into marriage because of internal or external pressures. Evaluate the person on all levels and think about how you will respond to the person 10, 20 or 40 years in the future, after the first blush is long gone.

For my husband and I, the key is conversation. We have been having an ongoing conversation for over 15 years (pre marriage and post) and it is still fascinating for us. Communication and respect for one another's opinions certainly helps. I cannot see the hypothetical couple Gottlieb describes having this...nor can I see the fairly tale Disney couple having that quality either.

[singermuse]

No woman (or man) should ever settle for mr/ms "good-enough"!
Unbelievable article! With so many children already here in the world literally DIEING for want of a loving family, women should not have to resort to being a "womb with a view". Motherhood is great but we could also make it easier for qualified, emotionally stable people to adopt, whether gay or straight or married or single, it would certainly hit the snooze button on that biological clock. Put that biological clock on silent mode, starve that overfed obnoxious ego and look around at all the incredible opportunities to give, to love, to participate in this world that needs it.
If a woman or a man finds that "best" someone, wonderful!
But if not, life doesn't have to be a continuous "holding pattern". Better to be single, happy with good friends, participating in one's community, than unhappy and stifled or even worse, maybe abused in what you thought was a "good enough" relationship.