How to Live On $0 A Day: Know Your Healthcare Options
When you're broke and uninsured, the fear of needing a doctor can send a person into a spiral of depression that can only be cured with prescribed medication.
I'm here to tell you, don't despair. With all the advances in healthcare, science and technology, these days you really don't need a doctor.
Say you've got a sore throat. Google it. Thousands of of websites dealing with sore throats will come up. After hours of research and cross-referencing, you'll probably conclude you either have seasonal allergies or a lethal strain of swine flu. Google seasonal allergies and swine flu. Read everything you can about their causes, symptoms, prognosis and cures. Delve into the heartwarming stories about seasonal allergies and swine flu. Learn which celebrities have had seasonal allergies, swine flu or pet pigs. Find out who they're dating, their favorite designers and how they stay slim. Chances are by the time you've thoroughly researched the topic, your sore throat will be gone.
If the ailment persists through the diagnostic process, or worsens, you might want the option of seeking medical attention. Not so easy without health insurance, money or a non-maxed out credit card. This is where the government steps in to protect you after all the years you've paid into the system. In some states, those in need can qualify for free health insurance for a specified period to be provided by the state or county of residence.
The application procedure is relatively simple.
1) Stand in line for one hour to make an appointment at your county health services office.
2) Fill out pages of forms divulging your deepest darkest secrets.
3) Stand in line for two hours for an 8AM appointment along with 50 people who also have 8AM appointments.
4) Wait inside in a room with 50 other people for your 8AM appointment to start at 11AM.
5) Discuss your deepest darkest secrets with a stranger.
6) Wait six weeks.
7) Repeat the entire process one month later because they seem to have lost your paperwork.
You could qualify for six months coverage. You might want to consider becoming blind or pregnant in order to increase your chances.
The only catch with the state program is your plan will expire by the time a doctor will see you (if you haven't died by then). Try to plan your medical emergencies well in advance.
Of course, there's always the emergency room. They're obligated by the law and Hippocratic oath to treat anyone who needs it. Just make sure not to bring any ID unless it belongs to someone else. And always act as though you have amnesia, even if your problem is a broken toe. This way, you won't be bothered by constant phone calls and threats from collectors that will make you wish your broken toe had been fatal.
It's always wise to take preventative measures. Since you're not working, you don't have to go outside much and risk exposure. But for those rare trips outdoors, always wear a helmet, non-porous gloves and a germ mask (free latex gloves and masks are available at your nearest hospital--try to get an insured person to pick them up for you, since hospitals are riddled with germs). Avoid dangerous activities like breathing, eating and crossing the street.
Helpful generic replacement suggestions for costly prescription drugs:
Xanax, Valium and other sedatives -- Vodka
Antibiotic and antiviral drugs -- Vodka
Prozac, Zoloft and other anti-depressants --Vodka
Codeine, Vicodin and other pain relievers-- Vodka
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this post is so emblematic of how we have veered so deeply into perversion about what health care is. In any given community in any given epoch, those inclined to apply their acumen to solve the puzzles of health considered it obvious, par-for-the-course to assess and address the ways to treat the ails of the day. Except in this culture at this time.
But we have somehow reached a place where people argue why this doctor - say it again, DOCTOR - ought not be responsible to the onset of your condition because you can't afford it! No, it's his American right not to treat mankind. Hippocrates be damned, He's got arteries to stent!
I think I remember that guy, when he was just in pre-med. I served him at some non-union restaurant (he was a bad tipper).
Doctors don't exist in cultures that don't have a middle class.
Can I substitute Jameson or Jack Daniels for the vodka?
Absolutely. Some say that nothing cures depression and anxiety better than a well-aged, grain-based liquor, taken orally. But in the name of cost-efficiency, I’d still use the generic vodka for any ailment that requires a topical application.
Funny.
With Cinco de Mayo around the corner, I'm wondering about Tequila as a cure-all. What's your expereince? If I wear a sombrero will I be cured more quickly?
Stay away from all Mexican products!!!!! Cinco de Mayo has been cancelled this year for fear that it may carry swine flu. In fact, even using Spanish words may be dangerous. You should probably disinfect your keyboard.
But the sombrero helps prevent headaches. I can't give it up. Not here in Park City!
cynicism isn't funny for over 30 crowd, we've moved onto black humour.
Dear Dr. Lesley,
I tried to get Medi-Cal when I got laid off but evidently I don't qualify because I have a car. The fact that it's 30 years old and only worth $2,000 (if I could even sell it now) doesn't seem to matter. In the state of California's eyes I'm rolling in it. But I have a cyst I need removed. What would you suggest? A bottle of vodka and an exacto knife? Maybe the salon where I used to get my bikini wax when I had money for that sort of frivolous thing would do it for me?
I had a painful cyst on my wrist once . When faced with a choice of costly surgery or falling on it, I chose the latter and am very pleased with the results. But not all cysts are that easily remedied.
Fortunately, in reaction to the economy and healthcare situation, “Surgery for Dummies” is being rushed for publication this summer. Reserve a copy at your public library. If you can’t hold on until then, make sure you're up to date on your tetanus shots. A word of warning: if it requires the whole bottle of vodka to hold the exacto knife steady, don't proceed with the operation. Good luck!
Hip Replacement: Duct Tape
Tubal Ligation: Duct Tape
Vasectomy: You know those little fingernail clippers...?
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Ahhh, fingernail clippers!!!! I've been using pruning shears.
I love it! Gotta pass this on to HR.
most accurate summary of our health "care" system if you're poor that i've ever seen. it's not that much better if you have coverage. though that's more the fault of the insurance industry and it's twin beliefs that the patient is always lying and that their profit margin is more important than the patient's health than the doctors themselves.
Don't get me started on the insurance companies. They're the modern equivalent of mobsters demanding protection money. The only difference is, the mobsters actually provided protection.
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