How To Live On $0 A Day: Rediscover the Childlike Joy of Halloween (Get Free Stuff)

Last year at this time you were probably at the seamstress putting the final touches on your Marie Antoinette/Sarah Palin/Henry VIII/Joe the Plumber costume. Unless you're a Wall Street or Insurance executive or one of their lobbyists, you may be feeling some trepidation as to how to deal with the holiday this year.

Halloween traditionally marks the end of the harvest season when people begin storing necessities for the long, lean months ahead. Which is exactly the way you should be looking at it now. Lucky for you, opportunity is everywhere.

Tricks, yaaaay!

Stop worrying about how you're going to afford candy for the trick-or-treaters. Those Halloween tricksters you fear can be a godsend. Think about it; a good house TPing requires at least one roll of toilet paper. Once you get it back on the roll it'll come in handy and save you money. Play your cards right and you won't need to buy another roll of toilet paper until 2010. Who knows, you might even get hit with quilted toilet paper in decorator colors if you live in an upscale neighborhood.

Even better, your tricksters could be armed with eggs, which would be a delicious change of pace from your usual breakfast of nothing. Save yourself some extra work and stop the culprits before they strike (unless you like your eggs scrambled).

Seize the day (and anything else you can get)

This is the one time of year where you can don a scary robber mask and freely enter a Brinks armored truck, local merchant or lavish mansion and nobody will think anything of it, even if you're carrying a large bag. Be forceful when demanding your treats. Warning: Don't try this in a bank. My local branch brutally informed me that they arrest anyone who enters wearing a mask (even a Hank Paulson mask!). Typically, they make no exceptions, even during this festive time of year.

Getting treats in goods and unmarked bills

These days, parents are afraid of sending their children to strangers' homes. Many communities have made arrangements with local merchants so the kids can trick or treat at stores safely. Take advantage of this opportunity. Tell your child to ask for staples like a jar of peanut butter, tampons, flour, shampoo, etc. Better yet, have them ask for the contents of the cash register. How could anyone refuse your adorable little angel? This is also an excellent opportunity to teach your child manners: remind them to always say "please" and "thank you."

Free candy
Even if you're over 4 feet tall, and not wearing a costume, opportunities for free candy are everywhere. At the bank, the stores, the hair salon, the library, in lobbies. Grab it while it's there or you'll regret it later, I guarantee it. If you have children, give them laundry bags or trash bags and don't let them come home until the bags are full. Since you may be depending on your Halloween treats for nourishment, it's important to optimize your Halloween harvest's nutritional value by consulting the chart below.

Halloween candy food pyramid

Always go for the candy with the greatest number of food groups in it. For example, a Chunky bar is preferable to a Hershey bar with almonds, because it contains three food groups, dairy (milk chocolate), protein (nuts), fruit (raisins) while the Hershey bar only has two (dairy and protein). Mix a Chunky bar with a Nestle Crunch bar (containing rice) and you've got a complete, well-balanced meal. Anything with coconut is also a good bet since it qualifies as both a fruit AND a nut.

Treats with financial value

Just because a candy has no nutritional value, doesn't mean it's worthless. On the contrary, Skittles, Red Hots, Hot Tamales, Sweet Tarts, Mike and Ikes, m&ms and Pixie Stix are known moneymakers. With a little clever marketing, you can resell them at a huge profit as drugs to stupid rich people. For example, sell the Pixie Stix as pre-chopped cocaine in designer colors that come with their own straw. The beauty of this approach is you get all the income of a drug dealer or pharmaceutical executive, without the guilt of actually selling drugs (although the high fructose corn syrup may be more dangerous than drugs). Do not try this on hardened drug addicts. They might hurt you.

The morning after
Pumpkins are both delicious and nutritious and using them for merely decorative purposes is a crime. You'll be performing a valuable service by picking up all the spent pumpkins in your neighborhood and disposing of them ... in your mouth. Here are some recipes, including how to stuff a pumpkin for Thanksgiving.

Now go out there and have a happy, bountiful Halloween!

 

Comments

[Albert Kelly]

luv all ur suggestions lez. cool if i do this stuff on other holidays? columbus day? summer solstice?

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Totally cool. But the turnout can be disappointing for those holidays. I was hoping someone would TP my house last summer solstice, but nobody showed up.

[WomanInOrangeSweater]

A word of warning: Don't try to use Necco wafers in lieu of quarters at the laundromat. They just break and jam the machine and you lose a perfectly good Necco wafer.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Excellent advice. I still experience pangs of remorse over losing a chocolate Necco to the Maytag in my old apartment building.

[msbadger]

I think we should all dress in costume and go to the office party at the places that laid us off! Free food, they'll have no idea, and you can find out who else didn't make the cut!!! (I may be on to something here; we used to have KILLER potlucks where I worked.)

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

You're totally on to something. While you're there you can also pick up some office supplies!

[Gorsegrower]

Whatever happened to the traditional 'trick or drink' housecall? One could usually score some hard cider if nothing else.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

It seems that all the niceties of our culture have gone by the wayside. I remember when people used to give out full sized candy bars. The trick or treat sized ones don't even make a decent hors d'oeuvre.

[soupless]

My wife is telling me that I went a little over the top with my Dick Cheney Halloween costume simply because I had an arterial stent put in my heart last week. I've always subscribed to the Stanislavski school of trick or treating and feel that my candy haul each year reflects the extra commitment. I'm thinking that my wife is wrong on this one. And as soon as I finish planning the invasion of a small, candy-rich cul-de-sac two blocks east of us I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with her. Any thoughts?

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

While I admire your dedication to your craft, I tend to agree with your wife on this one. Especially since in order to do a totally realistic Cheney you'd really need to have your heart removed.

[kibblenbits]

The only thing I can add is that chewy candies and gum can be used as an adhesive. Tape and glue are expensive and gift-wrapping season is just around the corner. I’m wrapping my nephew’s birthday gift with the Sunday paper and a caramel right now.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Are you using a premium brand caramel? I've tried using Kraft caramels and they never seem to hold. I'm a Starburst fruit chews girl, myself. They really stick and I love using bright, cheery colors when wrapping gifts.

[debster889]

Don't forget the mock "trick or treat for Unicef" collector made by covering an animal cracker box with orange paper and adding a slit in the top.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

I have to admit, when I first read your idea, I slapped myself upside the head for not thinking of it first. But after a lot of deep reflection, it just seems wrong to me. An animal cracker box is just too small to hold a decent amount of cash.

[pbnguru]

Lesley, have you sold out to the Candy Lobby? Not to be confused with Candy Spelling. Who, btw, is downsizing herself.

Anywho, I hope you negotiated the proper product placement endorsements prior to putting this out there.

Those candy people have buckets of money! Get it? Buckets, Halloween - Hahahahaha

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Clearly I'm a terrible business person and didn't consider the value my endorsement. Do you think it's too late? I wonder if iit would be a conflict of interest to sell out to both the candy lobby AND the ramen lobby?

[MoneyHungry]

Finally a food pyramid that fits my lifestyle! I'll remember to add a Nestle's Crunch to my Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for a complete meal. Would you recommend a local red or white wine with that?

[petralesole]

I live in the wine country, and I suggest a red, possible a merlot.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

I've only had the Reeses Peanut butter cup/nestle crunch dinner with a French Merlot and while I thought the round berry notes complimented the peanut butter nicely, I would have liked a touch more acidity. But I've heard the California merlots are lighter and crisper. I'll bow to your wisdom on this one, clearly you're a foodie.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

If you're going with the Nestle's crunch/peanut butter cup combo, you'll still need a fruit component to make it a balanced meal. Wine is an excellent choice. The trick is finding one that works with both the heaviness of the reeses PB cup and the lightness of the Nestle's crunch. A sparkling rose would work nicely.