How To Live On $0 A Day: Rich Corporate Executives Have Problems Too, You Know
During these difficult financial times, most of us have been focused on things like paying the bills, keeping a roof over our heads and feeding the children.
Being an empathetic person, I thought it only fair to devote a little attention to the 1% of the population who helped create this situation, yet are still employed and living like pashas. Let's not forget that this is a time of fear and uncertainty for them too.
Sure, their concerns are different than yours or mine. But I'm sure to them, the worry that their excessive wealth and lavish lifestyles will inspire envy, larceny and angry hordes is just as excruciating as the worry of becoming homeless is to the rest of us.
So, Hank, Larry, Lloyd, Bob, Ben, Ken, Vikram, and the rest of you guys, here's my advice to you on how to get through the recession.
I know this is going to be difficult to hear, but you're going to have to pretend to make some major sacrifices.
Planes, Yachts and Automobiles
Nothing enrages the people whose money bailed you out more than to see you in a shiny new corporate jet. Especially when they're trading down to shopping carts. Instead of giving up your luxurious jet or putting it in storage, antique it. You'd be amazed how a few dings on the nose, some dice hanging from the rear view mirror and some old "Free Huey" bumper stickers can take your jet from "rich corporate bad guy" to "just another jet from the hood."
Consider hiring someone to paint some camouflage on your jet, yacht, limo or hummer so it doesn't attract the wrong kind of attention. With a pentagon quality paint job, you might even be mistaken for a military vehicle and garner love and respect rather than simmering resentment. Another plus, you'll actually stimulate the economy by hiring a painter. Make sure you hire American for a change. It's a wonderful opportunity to appear to contribute something meaningful to America's no longer working class.
Better Homes and Gardens
A few well-placed props can make a 85 million dollar estate a place you can feel safe showing to the impoverished masses (from the other side of the gates, of course). Park a rusty, dilapidated pick-up truck on the front lawn and let the garden go. A burning trash can or tires are always a nice touch. The neighbors might object, but it'll keep the robbers and lynch mobs away. Or just put a foreclosure sign out front (FYI, I have one you can buy for $19,843.02 or $536.12 a month at 33% compounded daily for the rest of your life).
Perfecting The "Waif" Look
Fortunately, your trophy wife can still spend a fortune keeping up with the latest designer trends and look like she dug her wardrobe out of the dumpster. Several designers are coming out with "recession chic" lines for the winter (check the latest WWD or Vogue in the plastic surgeons waiting room). Stay away from anything with a prominent designer logo (I know it kind of defeats the purpose of buying a designer label, but be strong). For those ubiquitous Ralph Lauren and Izod logos, have your seamstress whip up some St. Vincent de Paul or Salvation Army labels for a cover up.
Finding Inner Beauty
Speaking of plastic surgeons, now's a good time to get those implants (chin, butt, boob, pec, whatever) you and your family members have had your eyes on. In a time where the chasm between the haves and have nots has never been wider, putting all your money in your body instead of on it is the healthiest thing you can do. Another plus; If a revolution should occur and your fortune is pillaged, you'll still be able to hold on to hundreds of thousands of dollars of your assets -- nobody has figured out how to repossess a pound of flesh (or silicone gel). Yet.
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you know, rather than try an sell the jet, i figured i'd get a better deal by donating it to npr. i now don't have to pay taxes until 2135. i feel so good about myself.
I'm not sure you thought this one through. How on earth will you travel to offshore locations without the jet?
steerage. it's the new first class.
This year my beautiful wife and I decided not to do anything too ostentatious with our money. All of our expenses have been what we like to call stealth luxuries. We've already taken a lot of your advice. My new limo is beautifully camouflaged and my wife is now a double d with Kim Kardashians derriere and she's spent hundreds of thouands of dollars on jewelry made out of beer can tabs. I'm very proud of my wife for sticking to it and would like to get her a really important piece of jewelry. Something with real gemstones, like the hope diamond or something. What can I get her that won't cause an uprising among the little people?
Your wife sounds like a gem. A couple of thoughts: How about a jeweled bra to go with those new double ds? It's the perfect gift for someone in your position--ridiculously expensive and self-indulgent, but since it's not in plain sight (unless your wife is a stripper), it won't arouse the ire of the masses. Victoria's Secret has one for 15 million you might want to look into. Here's a link to peruse your options http://most-expensive.net/bras
Another possibility; buy her a diamond mine. I saw one for sale in Botswana for only 11.5 million just the other day. It's a lovely opportunity to exploit a whole new group of people and to get diamonds wholesale.
when i read the headline, i thought this piece was going to aggravate me.
very funny; nice work.
"just another jet from the hood." made me giggle.
Thank you. It's always an unexpected pleasure to hear that I haven't aggravated someone.
Or downsize your trophy-wife's breasts, sell the old big ones on the silicone aftermarket, and buy her a WonderBra. The rest is pure profit.
I don't think downsizing is in the cards for any of these boobs.
boobs. thats funny!
I was going through Vikram Pandit's garbage the other day and found dozens of empty bottles of Kristal champagne and not one scrap of food. I was outraged. Maybe if these guys would put something decent in their trash for the rest of us to eat and drink we wouldn't get so ticked off.
Stories like yours make me appreciate Ken Lewis. At least he occassionally leaves some leftover cake in his trash.
Wonderfully funny....I specially like the bit about the pound of silicone....
Paint the jets green and then tell everyone you've "greened" your jets.
Yes! That way, they’ll look socially responsible when they jet off to Monaco for their corporate retreat.
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